Reader Request: Dealing with autism for the non-autistic

So you don't have autism but you are going to be working with someone who does. Or maybe you have friends with and autistic child. Perhaps you are witnessing a meltdown in a grocery store. How do you handle such situations?

Getting to know a person with autism can be understandably confusing. Hopefully these tips will help you along in the process.

First and foremost, anyone with autism does not see or feel the world around them like you do. There will be reactions that make no sense. Simple or minuscule things may cause stress reactions. This is because of sensitivities way higher than yours. The most important thing you can do in any situation with autism is to stay calm and collected. If you stress out, the person you are dealing with will go even further over the edge. If you get stern and try to force an issue, it will make it worse. Calm and collected is the way.

Eccentricities are common. It's best to just accept them. No harm is meant by them (99% of the time) and they should simply be seen as personality quirks and nothing more. Even high functioning autistics have a hard time seeing how their quirks affect people around them. It gets harder when those quirks get rejected and we are trying to work out why. The advice here is to take the eccentric with a grain of salt and just shrug it off. Don't give it any extra attention unless some violation of space is occurring. Which brings me to;

Clear communication is key. Autism is a very literal issue. Metaphors and slang can be the enemy. If you are just joking, you should say so or come up with a known way for the person to understand that you are joking. Some of us don't comprehend facial expressions. So your laughing smile means the same as an angry grimace: basically nothing. It's not completely like that for everyone, but worthwhile to keep in  mind.

Things get internalized a lot. Misconceptions and misunderstandings happen all the time. They require patience and talking it out. A lot of people with autism will be harder on themselves than you or anyone else could ever be. So if you are thinking of ripping your autistic employee a "new one" because of some mistake, be careful. Explain the problem clearly and how to avoid it in the future. Aside form popular belief, autistic people do care what others think of them and want to get things "right". Autism is a self punishing beast.

Going to extremes. People with autism are either anti-social (by appearance at least) or overly social. There isn't usually any gray area. Seeing the gray area of things is very difficult. It's either black or white. Rules are rules. Things can get very technical fast.

Delayed maturity. This is especially important to understand with children. Maturity is generally behind, often by several years. Tolerance is helpful.

Now, to wrap this up, I offer a list of things NOT to do with anyone who is autistic. This is general information and may vary by individual.

Don't touch: Especially if there's a possible meltdown situation. Your touch will only add to the sensory stress that's going on. However, you may not have a choice if self harm comes into play. If a person starts hitting him or herself in the head, firmly take hold of their wrists and speak in a low quiet voice. Be calm. Children may have to be held with the "hug" method. If you are not suitably trained in restraint, seek assistance.

Don't shout: Again it's a sensory issue and only adds to stress. Speak in a calm tone and don't try to over-shout the person you are dealing with. Once a person is calmed down, they will be easier to talk to.

Don't startle: It may seem like fun and games to some people, but startling sets off sensory issues like wildfire. It triggers over-sensitive fight or flight response that can get out of hand in a hurry. Think of  it this way; would you startle your buddy who's a war veteran? Of course not. Don't startle autistics either.

Don't ask parents what their child's special skill is: Most of them don't consider their children a sideshow act. You may mean it innocently, but it gets tiring. It happens all the time.

Don't use the word  normal: Nothing feels "normal" to an autistic person. It invalidates and diminishes that person's struggles by telling them "Oh that's normal". The term is so hated, that it's one step away from a racial slur.

Don't interfere with parents: Unless they ask for your help (and they usually won't) they just want to deal with their child's current issue and be left alone. In public, it's stressful and embarrassing enough without someone coming to lend their advice or tell them off about their child. Some DO appreciate words of encouragement like "I think you're doing a good job". You can even ask if someone is okay, but mostly they want to be left alone. Sometimes, other autism parents are welcome so long as they identify that.

So, tolerance, clear communication, and understanding are key to dealing with autism. Stay calm and cool. Don't get physical unless a life is in danger. And take your time getting to know the person or child. Situations vary. Use common sense for the rest.

Suggested reading: Understanding Autism for Dummies

Acceptance and understanding

That's what people of the autism community really want, acceptance and understanding. I've actually found people confused by this. Various attitudes out there make it more difficult to educate on the idea. Attitudes of "why can't you just get over it" or "just shut up" or "you look normal".

What they don't get is that we have social difficulties that haunt us in everday life; some worse than others. Yes there are those who aren't bothered by it at all, but look aroud, does everyone really look identical to you? They aren't; they're fat, thin, short, tall, and varying shades of color. The same goes for the affects of autism in each member of its community.

You may be frustrated by the strange behavior or reactions that don't make sense to you from some person who actually has autism. But the truth of the matter is that person is likely just as frustrated. That's because he didn't intend that outcome in the first place. Imagine trying to say good morning but having your body or facial expression do something without your consent in the process. Or imagine that your brain won't let you recognize facial expressions and body language in others. You can slowly learn it with intense study and assistance (like I had to have), but for the most part, it's hard work. Wouldn't you appreciate a little understanding from others as you struggle?

I've seen others with worse effects in autism than me and I've seen them struggle. I had them ask me why they couldn't catch the situation before they did something they called "stupid". I told them they aren't stupid, it's part of our condition and we have to get past the issue of those who don't understand. We have to take the opportunity to educate when we can. But you see, there's one expression we learn really fast and that's shock. Shock we never intended to cause and that's very frustrating.

No one wants to be socially impaired and having that problem creates an internal struggle in a lot of autistic people. It can make us try too hard which brings the opposite of desired effect.

So, next time you see someone do or say something that doesn't match the situation very well and it kind of shocks you. Try to pause and reflect for a moment on what made that person do that. Was it autism? Other disorders cause it too, but you get the idea, I hope. And I'm not saying we're all trustworthy either, that's a different scale of issues.

I'll end this with a quote from the movie, Mozart and the Whale: "Autistic people want to be social, we just really suck at it." (Not entirely true so take it loosely).