Autism and learning social skills

A wonderful question was posed to me recently from Lisa on Facebook who said:

"You mentioned that folks on the Autism Spectrum are affected by autistic blindness and do not necessarily do well at recognizing other folks' feelings and needs. Do you have some specific suggestions about how to be autistically un-blind?"

That got me thinking and I have a few ideas. Maybe some of you helpful readers could add your own in comments? Comments are moderated for being family friendly.

I've written on teaching out kids social skills, but I hadn't really thought about helping those of us who are adults today. We didn't have the same supports that are there for our kids today. It's a different world.

So what are some key and important things to know about socializing that help us recognize how others are feeling? As I go over these, the key is being able to add them together to get an accurate feel for the other persons attitude. This takes, practice, practice, practice. So try not to get discouraged. Also, click on images for larger view.

Facial expressions: While they are inconsistent in the autistic world, in a typical person they can tell you alot about how someone is feeling. Expression works best in the eyes (something that may be intense for you in the first place, I know). Other telling features are the eyebrows and mouth. Tightly shut mouth (pressing lips together hard) and furrowed (v shaped) brow suggests agitation or tension. Not necessarily anger, but could head that way. Raised eyebrows show interest. Tight lipped and avoiding eye contact (looking at the ground or off into the distance) could mean being emotionally upset. Smiles can be tricky. Usually they mean amusement or just having a good day. Maybe glad to see you? Sometimes it means they're nervous. Confused? This is where the next area comes in.

Body language: The positions people hold their bodies in as they interact are very telling of how they are feeling. When it comes to smiling, as above, this is particularly helpful. So lets break down body language.

Head: Tilted to one side is curiosity or interest. It can also be silliness if the person is acting out with wide gestures and strange facial expressions. Tilted forward (with eyes looking up at you) is a "get down to business" expression. It means they want you to get to the point of what you are talking about. Tilted back and looking down their nose at you is of interest but scrutinizing. This isn't necessarily unfriendly, but the person is likely reserved on what they are thinking. I should mention that the "down the nose" look is commonplace with street gangs. You can tell them by their clothing most times. It's more pronounced with them though. In average people it's more relaxed. You can google pics of expressions which I highly suggest for practice.

Shoulders: Drooping down means boredom (especially with the head tilt and a curved lip) or frustration. It also signifies depression or sadness. Generally it's not a positive thing. Held upward and level is a sign of confidence and alertness. These area extremes and mid ground is possible.

Arms: A big "tell" is crossed arms. This usually suggests that they don't want their personal space invaded. It's a matter of personal security and may signify discomfort. If they back away, draw clothing around them tighter, cross arms (the tighter the more you should give them space) then they are uncomfortable. Don't close in on this person. I'll get to personal space in a bit. Arms just hanging at the sides or in pockets is casual and relaxed. Movement of arms can tell a lot too. Wide sweeping gestures with raised voice and agitated expression may be something to stay back from. That person is likely upset.

Hand: Watch for clenched fists. This is the fastest way to tell if someone is agitated enough for you to steer clear. You don't have to run for the hills, but something is upsetting this person severely. They may be traumatized (watch for crying, shaking shoulders, and trembling in arms) or angry (watch for gritted teeth, v shaped brow with similar trembling). Hands that just tremble may be from a medical condition and not something alarming by itself depending on the person.

Legs: While sitting, crossed legs is very similar to crossed arms, though not as dependable because a lot of people sit this way. Both crossed legs and arms is almost definitely a security issue. They don't want you that close to them (or maybe anyone else either). While standing, shuffling feet around a lot could be a sign of agitation or just being antsy and having a hard time standing still. They may be in a rush to go do something else. Be careful not to stare at peoples legs, especially in the region of the waist line/torso. Guys, that is especially important for you. It makes people uncomfortable.

Note that there is no perfect way to recognize what people are feeling. With practice you can be right 7 or 8 times out of ten. Don't be discouraged if you don't see it all right away.

Now for some pointers on interaction.

When you approach someone, if they back away, do not close in. They are telling you how close they want you to be by backing away. Give them their space.

Be careful of staring too much at a person. If you are going to hold your eyes anywhere, look at their nose and cheeks (if not the eyes). Veer away casually from time to time as if just noting your surroundings.

If a person is nodding while listening to you, you are generally okay in your position. They are interested in what you are saying. Or they're just playing along, hard to tell sometimes. You may be able to tell by adding in other factors as above. Are they constantly looking away other places and shifting around? They may want to be somewhere else.

In closing tips, study facial expressions. Lots of pictures are here on the internet that you can find and look at faces. Same to be said for body language. The more you look and learn, the better you can interact. There is no perfect way, but remember to give people personal space and try to relax.

For personal space when facing someone, imagine the length of your arm, that is how far away you should stop (and don't approach fast, that startles people). Standing next to someone (unless in a crowded place) can be half that distance, but should be full length in most open areas.

Hopefully this information will help some of you out there in recognizing how others are feeling or reacting. Remember; practice, practice, practice. Never give up.

Good resources: Internet, or check out books on facial expressions for artists! Same for body language.

Acceptance and understanding

That's what people of the autism community really want, acceptance and understanding. I've actually found people confused by this. Various attitudes out there make it more difficult to educate on the idea. Attitudes of "why can't you just get over it" or "just shut up" or "you look normal".

What they don't get is that we have social difficulties that haunt us in everday life; some worse than others. Yes there are those who aren't bothered by it at all, but look aroud, does everyone really look identical to you? They aren't; they're fat, thin, short, tall, and varying shades of color. The same goes for the affects of autism in each member of its community.

You may be frustrated by the strange behavior or reactions that don't make sense to you from some person who actually has autism. But the truth of the matter is that person is likely just as frustrated. That's because he didn't intend that outcome in the first place. Imagine trying to say good morning but having your body or facial expression do something without your consent in the process. Or imagine that your brain won't let you recognize facial expressions and body language in others. You can slowly learn it with intense study and assistance (like I had to have), but for the most part, it's hard work. Wouldn't you appreciate a little understanding from others as you struggle?

I've seen others with worse effects in autism than me and I've seen them struggle. I had them ask me why they couldn't catch the situation before they did something they called "stupid". I told them they aren't stupid, it's part of our condition and we have to get past the issue of those who don't understand. We have to take the opportunity to educate when we can. But you see, there's one expression we learn really fast and that's shock. Shock we never intended to cause and that's very frustrating.

No one wants to be socially impaired and having that problem creates an internal struggle in a lot of autistic people. It can make us try too hard which brings the opposite of desired effect.

So, next time you see someone do or say something that doesn't match the situation very well and it kind of shocks you. Try to pause and reflect for a moment on what made that person do that. Was it autism? Other disorders cause it too, but you get the idea, I hope. And I'm not saying we're all trustworthy either, that's a different scale of issues.

I'll end this with a quote from the movie, Mozart and the Whale: "Autistic people want to be social, we just really suck at it." (Not entirely true so take it loosely).

Meds for your child? What you need to know.

The decision to put a child on medication is never a light one. I can count many a parent who has said to me, “ I will never put my child on medication”. There is always some reason behind their strong feelings and usually it involves the fear that they will lose the person their child really is. They don’t want their child to be a zombie or controlled in “that way”.

Because of that, I find it bears repeating ad nauseam: The purpose of a medication is NOT to control your child. The purpose of a medication is to help a child control him or herself. If your child is doing well without medication, that is wonderful. However, I have had more than one parent, who gave me an anti-medication lecture trying to use my son as an example. They have actually pointed to him and said, “See? He’s doing fine right now”. This is a dead point to make because he takes his medications every single day. That means, at the exact time they pointed at him, he was under the effects of his medication. Were he not, I guarantee you “okay” would not have escaped their lips. Naturally some have given me the example of how well their own child is doing.

You cannot take example of how other peoples children are doing, with or without as concrete example of how your child will do. You must do the homework and research for yourself. That being said, here is what you need to know about applying medications to your child.

Trial and Error: Getting the right results from medications with your child will always, always, always be result of trial and error. There are no guaranteed results that will occur in every single child who tries any given medication. That goes for adults as well, for anyone who is going to start medications for disorders.

Time and Patience: Results don’t happen overnight, period. To gauge full effects of any med you may have to administer them for at least a week and up to a month. During that time, you will have to watch for side effects and give them time to either clear up, or show you that your child can’t use that medication. You will have to see how long the level of the med has a proper effect and talk to the doctor about whether or not to increase dosage.

Know your meds!: Read about them, research them, and know them inside and out. How long before you see results? What are the side effects? If they are wrong for your child, can you stop them cold turkey, or do you have wean them off? You need to know all these things for any form of medicating you intend to do with your child.

Don’t cut out the doctor: I don’t care what you are giving your child, over the counter or prescribed. Especially if you are using prescriptions and plan to add other chemicals from “over the counter”, you need to have a doctor on board to advise you on what those extras could do mixed with things your child is already taking. Things like Melatonin, food additives, and supplements can interact with existing medications and bring out undesired effects. Keep your doctor on board and close to what you are doing. Don’t hesitate to call and bug your doctors office with questions and make sure to do research.

No, medication is not for everyone but it is necessary for some. Not only should we not judge others for their use of medications (whether they do or don’t), we should educate ourselves before we do. Considering your child for medication? Get educated and know the territory. Remember that you are your childs best and most important advocate.