A Letter to my Daughter's Stalker

Dear Melissa Ely, (I'm not hiding her name because of her very public posts and brash public attempts).

This purpose of this message is to give you critical information that you have refused to accept so far. That information includes the summary denial of any involvement by any person of the family of Wilde or Moxham in the disappearance of your dog, Maggie. You continue to claim that no one has denied involvement yet hung up the phone on every attempt to deliver said requested information. Now you have it. Involvement of Dyani Wilde or any other person in the disappearance of Maggie is fully denied.

A copy of this response to your claims will be retained for my records to present to court as well as posted publicly online. You have already set the precedent for this by continuing to post libelous slurs against my daughter, Dyani on your page for public consumption. As I am an online journalist I can more than follow suit and return the favor with screen shots of all your comments and photo evidence.

Maggie the dog was never rehomed. The post you keep circulating had a date on it that is now suspiciously concealed. It is from a time when your son Sam was part of an agreed effort to find Maggie a new home because he could not care for her. In fact, he simple would not care for her, leaving her to the rest of his roommates. He changed his mind on said endeavor and it was cancelled. So I repeat, Maggie was never rehomed. I have been informed that he has also been abusive to Maggie, once breaking a broomstick over her back. This is where I could quote you saying that you “hold your children to a higher standard” but we’ll get to that soon enough. I will inform you however, that the post you now conceal the date on will not last as evidence in a court of law without proof of said date and proof that the dog was rehomed specifically on said date. If you can pull off a magic trick like that, I’m sure the judge will be more than impressed. Unfortunately, as I understand, the date of Maggie’s disappearance is far from the date of the post and I repeat, as soon as Sam said he didn’t want to rehome her, the plan was cancelled. She was never rehomed. Maggie got loose and ran off as dogs often do. You would likely have better luck putting in a lost dog report with Animal Control and the Humane Society as well as making regular visits to the Humane Society. While you are wasting time stalking people who did nothing, time could be ticking away for your dog at the “pound” where she is only going to be held for a limited time before they decide what to do with her. The choice is yours.

You claim that the “authorities have been notified”. That is a true claim, but not the way you present it. I had a decent discussion with the police myself. They informed me that they find no fault in Dyani in any way. If they did, action would have been taken a long time ago. I know the officer had to threaten you with a trip to jail if he was called back out to that address regarding you in any way before the end of his shift at 4 am. But your misrepresentation doesn’t end there. You claim to have called Animal Control and wield that claim like we should all be quaking in our boots over it. No. I worked for Lincoln Animal Control as an officer for over 6 years. I know for a solid fact there is no city ordinance that they have to follow (without evidence) that will result in them taking any action except to register that you made a complaint and that your dog is missing. That’s it, that’s all. No tickets will be issued. No arrests will be made. So like any other authorities you are harassing, they will not be your personal revenge weapon.

You deny that you are stalking my daughter, however you miss the facts that have been gathered and notated. Let’s recap some shall we:

-multiple documented phone calls to law enforcement with frivolous and unproven complaints or to use law enforcement as a weapon (illegal and stalking behavior)

-phone calls to relatives no matter where they live with demands and expectations = stalking behavior that you even admit to in multiple posts on your page. You even claim boldly for all to see that you are going to call ever number Dyani has called since months back. That is stalking. That is all stalking. No matter how you want to color it.

-your call to CPS with intent to do damage because you aren’t getting your way. It’s pretty interesting that you did that when it threatens to get your son cited for sanitation at the same time. Have you seen his room? I have. I have photos too. Photos of piled garbage, molding food, and cat feces (but I understand you hold your children to a higher standard). Naturally, your son is doing nothing to clean up his part of the mess, right? Your call of CPS can be subpoenaed along with all your other calls to prove the activity.

-being seen driving around the block where Dyani lives over and over again until 2am? We may not be able to prove this, but it will be claimed anyway. Hey, you can make crazier claims than that and expect them to be taken seriously. But yes, that is stalking.

-repeated public slurs and calling for “making her famous” on your page as public shaming is stalking. All screen captured. All of those slurs will be presented to a court of law should you wish to go to one. Then you can explain to the judge your supposed evidence that Dyani or anyone else in her house are capable of or “enjoy” killing animals as you stated. Be prepared to prove and show evidence for every single crazed claim you have made against or about my daughter.

-having your son call the landlord in an effort to get Dyani evicted.

Her son's room according to the roommates

I understand you plan to sue my daughter. When you do, we will counter sue you under grounds of all of your posts, calls, and actions. We will present all photos and your posts to the judge for consideration. OR, you could go the right way about looking for Maggie as I suggest above. If she is at the shelter and you don’t look for her, well, the clock is ticking.

I do understand you think you’re pretty cute for getting Dyani’s call history so you can harass random people, like my other daughter, Lexi, or Dyani’s mother. You and yours laughed at me because you don’t think I can do anything. Well, maybe if I were to act just like you and do what you do, only better. It would be unfortunate for someone with investigative skills like mine to do that, wouldn’t it?

I guess I could contact Mr. Martinez and ask him to control you as your boyfriend, right? Or maybe I could call Kathleen H. Mark H. Sam Sr, Audra M., or Barbara E. and ask them to control you before I became “your worst nightmare”? But then I wouldn’t stoop to your level so I won’t contact any of them.

I don’t have a call log, but I could write letters to all the addresses you’ve ever lived at and ask them about you, just like random phone calls. You know, like 2909 N 52 st, 3158 N Cotner, or 1030 N 48^th? Or maybe the addresses in Crete or Alvo? Nah. I won’t do that.

I could use others as a weapon like you by contacting the school dean with all your postings and your son’s postings. I wonder if that would affect his pursuits in psychology? But no. I wouldn’t do that either.

So now comes the part where I tell you to cease and desist all actions against my daughter. She didn’t do anything to your dog and there is absolutely no significant evidence that she did. For that matter, you may want to talk to your son about what is really happening, because everyone else knows what he’s been up to, but you. Dyani’s life is non of your damn business. So you back off, and I will back off. Otherwise, go ahead and try to file in court so we can counter sue you. That serves us just fine. And I will continue to investigate you.

As a special note, I will not post this to public until you have had a chance to read it and respond. If you do not respond and agree to back off and go look for your dog the right way, I will post publicly and play the same game you do. Your choice. (and here is the proof that she read all of this)

Post from her page

So, reader, what do you think? Does how you raise your kids affect how they might wind up with a stalker one day? Can you reason with crazy? Is she crazy or just unreasonable? I can tell you I don't care if she scares. She has even admitted to being a window peeper. OH and should I make an online folder of all these posts of hers? Do you want to read them? (Maybe after they are shown in court).

Autism and Street Smarts: Avoiding Trouble

No advice is perfect for everyone and this is no exception. This is aimed at the high functioning who may be able to take care of themselves. Still, this may be of use to anyone in variable ways.

My experience comes from being on my own in the streets from age 14. I survived a long list of things that people have told me I shouldn't have been able to. But I did. As a child in the streets of Barstow, California; I was offered a place in the darkest criminal elements, yet I avoided them. Knowing what I know today, it's hard for me to figure out how I avoided them, but saying no actually worked for me. I'm not giving a list of the things I was asked to do by creeps looking for street urchin kids because I would have to give a trigger warning. What's important is how I survived and how you can avoid getting into trouble by some basic rules.

I developed these rules as a means to survival where it mattered most. While I hope none of you are in such dark situations, perhaps this will keep you out of them.

Rule #1: "It's none of my business". This is what I would say to people who started talking to me about illegal things they wanted to do. When someone approached me about an idea that I knew would cause me problems or get me arrested or even killed; I would just say "that's none of my business" and excuse myself for some fake errand I had to do . Let other people go get themselves in trouble. Don't preach at them, don't try to interfere directly (anonymous calls to police are fine), just use the phrase and get out of there. The whole idea is to get to a safe place and away from the threat.

You might wonder why that worked on people who tried to recruit me for their dirty deeds. I may have been lucky, but it seemed to impress (weirdly enough). In several cases, I had someone say to me, "keep saying that and you'll live a long time". That was good enough for me.

Rule #2: Pay attention to whats going on around you. For those of us with sensory disorders that never shut up, this is actually easy. So long as you stay in well lit areas and practice looking like you know exactly what you are doing, you'll make yourself less of a target. Practice noticing what is going on around you so you can avoid spots that look like trouble. While you are paying attention and being alert there is a very important pointer here:  DO NOT STARE AT ANYONE. A passing glance or using your peripheral vision is good enough. Practice noticing things out of the corner of your eye at home. Noticing small details can save your life. Remember, the idea is noticing what to avoid. It's okay to change your entire route for this purpose. More on that in a minute.

Rule #3: Don't go where you don't belong.  Most of us autistics already dislike crowds so we have a great excuse. If you are about to walk down a street you don't know and it's got shifty looking people hanging out on cars, smoking and drinking and it even looks dangerous... don't go that way. Keep to well lit and public accessed streets. Don't be wandering around at odd hours of the night. Stay out of back alleys. You can usually research and find out where high crime areas of your city or town are so you can stay away. You can research online or ask a trusted source such as a police officer (believe it or not).

Rule #4: If you must walk through the dark, do it like you just don't care. This is an exception to rule 3. There may come a time where you just have no choice but to walk down that block past those dangerous looking guys. You have to act like it just doesn't matter to you where you have to go. Think of the coolest and calmest day you ever knew in your life and walk like that. If someone nods at you, nod back, but keep moving. Don't stop, don't get into a conversation if you can help it (remember rule 1). Don't stare at anyone and just keep moving until you are far away or safe at home.

Notation: Unfortunately some of us LIVE in these places. Hopefully home is safe for you.

Rule #5: Have alternative habits. As a general rule, autistic people (including me) are serious creatures of habit. Breaking habits and changing routines is not easy for us. I suggest we practice not thinking of it as breaking our routine, rather adding an alternative routine to protect ourselves. Sometimes, something bad will happen even on the safest street and you will have to alter your route. There could be a terrible accident, a fire, or even a police standoff. These are all  things that may make you change route. Having back up routines can keep you out of trouble. Your favorite grocery store is on fire? You will have to be ready to go to a different one. So have that plan already in place. When I was on the streets, I had to have several alternate routes I could walk to avoid people who were trouble. I got used to shifting quickly. You shouldn't have to do that with more than one or two back up plans. Just don't think of them as broken routines. They are shifted routines that are in case of emergency.

By following these rules to the best of your ability, you can avoid dangerous situations or even being involved with police while keeping yourself safe.

But what if you are trying to teach your child with autism how to be safe? I'll cover that in my next installment.

Article tries to link Autistic MEN with Child Porn

I am sick to my stomach. My blood is boiling and I could burst into flames any second now. Yes, I could spontaneously combust with the disgust I am experiencing right this second. What has me so bent? This article:

Autism and Child Pornography: A Toxic Combination 

Go ahead. It opens in a new window. It's an article by none other than Eustacia Cutler, Temple Grandin's mother! It's written for the Daily Beast (not sure what I think of that combo) and it's getting more than a few autistic adults up in arms. Before I explain why, I'm going to come right out and say this article is irresponsible and dangerous. If you go by just the bold print, sure, child porn is a toxic combo with anything. It's practically the most heinous of the heinous. It's a level of crime that gets you murdered in prison just for being there. And this article wants you to believe there is an alarming trend of autistic men viewing child porn.

So what's wrong? First lets take the author's credentials into consideration:

Eustacia Cutler is a published author. She has a Bachelor of Arts (in what I don't know). Her research in retardation and autism established the basis of two television documentaries. And finally, she wrote school programs for television. That and she raised the most famous and popular autism icon we can mention; Temple Grandin.  Add all that together and it's reasonable to say that this woman's word is going to be taken at face value as rock solid fact by people who don't know enough about autism themselves.

And I want to add, I'm sure she knows plenty about autism, but this article is bad news with a capital B-A-D!

The article starts out with a single case of a young man being caught with child porn on his computer. This young man has autism. Now it's important to note that Eustacia did not interview this man, did  not examine him or read any of his psychological records (at least she says nothing about any of that). Therefore, everything based on this  man as an example is absolute speculation. By the way, this is the only case she offers to support her theories or "facts". She presents all of her information as fact, by the way. Never does she say "in my opinion".

That brings us to what the whole of her article is really "supported" by. Yes, I mean "supported" as in using matchsticks to hold up a brick building. She states in the article that her years in studying autism have given her "insight to autism's social hurdles".  I want to point out at this point, that she is specifically talking about autistic MEN. Just the men. She doesn't say "in such and such circumstances" she says "autistic men" period. What does she say?

Autistic men have the minds of ten year olds: She doesn't say that certain types of autistic men are like this, she just says that we have the minds of ten year olds. "They look like grown men but inside they're only 10 years old."  I will agree that immaturity (to varying scales) is commonplace in autism (to both sexes!) but we do grow up. Amazing thought eh? I'm 43 years old, have an IQ of 145, have had jobs since I was 14 (until disability in 2008), managed to survive on my own since I was 14 (in the streets), now have 4 children and a loving wife, and I harbor an intense hatred of crimes against children. You might call me a special case but get this; in my 9 years of study, research and advocacy, in talking to hundreds of different people with autism (my Facebook page has over 4000 people connected to it) I have traded words with exactly ONE person who was arrested for child porn. That was Dr. Nick Dubin and he admitted he knew it was wrong and is now presumably serving time somewhere. And he should be! Even for Dr. Dubin, while he may have had immature thinking, is not 10 years old nor does he have the mind of a 10 year old. At least there's no research evidence to prove this and that brings us to the next point.

She admits there's no supporting data: That's right. Right in the middle of the article she admits there's no data available to support that autistic men are any more prone to becoming pedophiles than any other classification of human being on the planet. But she continues to present her "insights" as "facts". Mind you that won't matter one wink to the layman who's trying to learn about autism and stumbles across her article. Posting an article like this, expecting to to be accepted as fact without supporting data (studies, research, crime statistics) is extremely irresponsible. The layman is going to look at this article and go "OMG, autistic men become pedophiles!" or "Oh yeah, I bet that weirdo down the street is one of these."  And my next point doesn't  help because I'm quoting her directly when I say:

"They don't want to be taught by adults, they want to be taught by 10 year olds": Dear God! When I was dating at 17, 18, and 19 on up... I had an age requirement that I was very serious about. If you couldn't go where I go because of age... we didn't date, PERIOD. I wouldn't go more than a year backwards at 17.  A couple years ago I gave my daughter grief for dating a guy a bit older than her. And for the record, I was taught by a woman older than me. I wouldn't have had it any other way. You can bet I plan to teach my son what's appropriate too! All of this article is so sadly generalized it's frightening. There's no way to misunderstand highlighted points like that unless you just can't figure out basic English. And what studies do these words come from. What supports the idea that adult men with autism (spectrum not withstanding) would rather mess around with 10 year olds? Well, according to Eustacia, adult autistic men are retarded and infantile and don't know any better. According to her, we're slaves to our sex drives and stunted in the brain. But this article targeting autistic men doesn't stop making leaps into madness there. 

She takes a slap at Tony Attwood that's not even related to the article: You read that right. What does Tony Attwood have to do with any of her article. Oh, I know, he's a man and has autism! But her slap actually has nothing to do with the article at all! 

Quote:

 I asked Tony Attwood, an internationally known autism counselor who works directly with those young men with Asperger who despair of finding their way in the world—or of even understanding it.

“Were you ever able to stop a boy from suicide?”

He turned from me, his face taut: “I think maybe I did ... once.”

Wha? Suicide? What does Tony Attwood saving some kid from suicide have to do with child porn? What does Tony Attwood have to do with the article at all? I can only call this a personal slap or stab. Apparently she doesn't like Tony Attwood. What better place to bring out the slapping glove than an article about autistic men going pedophile? 

I can safely tell you that I am not the only person who feels this way. Check out this article by Emily Willingham. She breaks it down quite nicely.

The autism community has enough stigma problems. We're associated with being retarded, weird, or violent. We get labelled as school shooters or fanatical whackos. The last thing in the universe we could ever need is to be associated with pedophilia. I've said it before and I'll say it again: having autism does not make a person any more likely to be a criminal than anyone else. It does not make for instant psychopaths. 

I believe we need to teach our children about sexuality and how to protect themselves from predators. We need to teach them internet safety and the law. I don't believe my child having autism automatically makes him a risk as a pedophile. In closing, I submit that, just because you're a celebrity (Jenny McCarthy anyone?) or raise one, it doesn't make everything that comes out of your mouth gold. It doesn't make you an expert. Eustacia Cutler is not a doctor in any form of psychiatry. She posted flamboyant information with no supportive facts or studies to back it up. If I were Temple Grandin, I would be really pissed at my mother about now.

Autism and Violence

In my last posting, I discussed the deadly crime of Adam Lanza. I discussed that having autism by itself does not indicate a tendency to become homicidal. Anyone who does become a murderer has a list of factors that led to their actions. That's not to condone those actions, rather to show that there is no single factor that makes one a homicidal maniac.

Today I want to talk about violence that does occur with autism and other inhibiting conditions similar to autism. Just like anything, there is a spectrum or scale of violent tendencies that can occur and they are not what you would normally expect.

Involuntary Stress Reactions: Consider a young man heavily affected by autism. He needs assistance in practically every facet of life. In each step of his day, a great deal of patience is required to work with him. If pressed too hard or if someone gets in a hurry, they risk a violent outburst. This could be flailing, kicking, biting, and even throwing things. It comes from severe difficulty relating to the world around them. This is a person who lives under constant stress in trying to function each day. He requires consistency in all things, from how he brushes his teeth to how he puts his shoes on. Everything has a delicate routine and he is so sensitive to it, that the slightest variation risks an overload to his stress limits and senses. With consistent therapy and support, some people's outbursts can be controlled. Some can even learn a limited sense of self control.

Why does this happen: Imagine all your senses and your limitations on stress at their near maximum just because you woke up today. You live on a proverbial balance beam where a hair out of place means a long fall. And that's what it feels like. I feels like your world just fell apart because someone move your alarm clock one inch out of place. That's giving you the most extreme possibility, but it does exist.

Involuntary stress reactions are not always violent either. What I am talking about is an automatic response to stressors, like tapping a nerve in your knee. It can be as simple as an odor that always makes you gag. You may not be able to control it without years of practice, if ever. When ever you come across that odor, you gag uncontrollably. Phobias are involuntary without treatment. It's an uncontrolled and severe fear. It's an uncontrolled response to that fear.

Young autistic children, even if high functioning, struggle in social development. This, as you might imagine, has to be very stressful. Our high functioning kids can learn not to be violent however and that is usually what is required. No, not all are violent. But it stands to reason that kids do go through phase where they will hit or kick other kids because they don't know how to react to the situation at hand. From what I have personally seen in autistic youth, it seems this phase can be drawn out.

Take a kindergartner who bites another student because he is angry. It could be for anything. They could have just bumped into each other. If this kindergartner has autism, that could be a sensory issue. He could have misunderstood and thought the other child did it on purpose. Maybe he reacts to being touched by surprise. Clearly, many factors could take place to the involuntary response. Regardless of them, it's a response from a sudden stress. In most cases, the behavior is correctable and treatable over time. This is involuntary because you combine a sudden stress with lack of developed impulse control.

This is the kind of violence that can be found in autism. It is not calculated or homicidal. It's not meant to be cruel either. It's nothing more than an automatic response to stress. So, when someone wants to talk about violence and autism in the media; it's time to get more of an education on just what kind of violence really happens in autism alone. Autism, by itself, is not a contributor to homicidal or psychopathic tendencies.

Connecticut school shooting and autism?

On Friday, December 14th, 2012, in Newton, Connecticut, Adam Lanza embarked on a mission of death and destruction. He took two 9mm handguns and shot his mother to death. That wasn't enough for him as he took those guns to Sandy Hook Elementary and opened fire in two classrooms. 20 children of ages 5-10 and 6 adults lost their lives.

The media calls this the second worst shooting of it's kind due to the death toll. I say it is the absolute worst of its kind due to its depth of depravity. Historically school shootings have taken the lives of adults. Horrifically, Adam Lanza chose to kill small children.

I am personally horrified at what has happened and my heart goes out to all the families who have suffered such a terrible loss. It's the worst loss any parent could suffer.

But what about the report that Adam had autism? If you read this Huffington Post article, you'll note that there are many discrepancies being mentioned. Just compare to this AP article (sorry I lost the link and now cannot find it, but you really should google search and compare for yourself).

-Huffington reports that he may have autism OR a personality disorder. This tells me that no one knows what he had or how. This is very important! When the media reports that some spree killer gunman was autistic, they create stigma among the uneducated that hurts the autism community.

-Reports on the guns being properly registered is also debated. Some sources say they weren't and at least one says they were. Not that it matters how they were registered at the bottom line. Adam clearly would have used them either way.

-Reports that his mother worked for the school are debated. Apparently there is report that no one at the school knew who she was.

Obviously, the media is not the best source to learn about autism. And I'll say this too: autism does not mean homicidal. Honestly, anyone can become homicidal and there are a wide variety of factors that add together to explain why. Until the media can get the story absolutely straight, we aren't going to know why he did what he did. There's only one thing that matters; what he did was heinous and an act of despicable terror. We need to remember this.

Again, my heart goes out to the families. My own youngest is 10 and I know all of you parents out there share the sentiment. Adam Lanza, for what ever he was dealing with, decided to become a killer. Now there are so many young minds scarred from his final acts in life. I hope they concentrate on the lives and minds of those poor kids. I also hope they eventually get the story straight.

Autism and the law: is Autism an excuse?

I recently had this question presented to me and it's an interesting one. Advocates opinions will vary, but I will try to explain to you how it is and isn't an excuse.

First of all, when dealing with any disorder of a person who commits a crime, the most important factor is their active knowledge of right from wrong.

If that knowledge is questionable, the person can be put through psychological assessment to determine their competency to stand trial. Even that doesn't guarantee that this person will just be set free back into society, depending on the charges at hand.

That's the second most important issue (or arguably equal in some cases), the offense that has been committed.

Third gets into the details of how the offense took place. Did the persons medical condition cause a situation that was out of their control? That is and has been an applicable defense in cases before.

Example of knowledge of right and wrong: The case of Nick Dubin, the doctor and advocate arrested for downloading child pornography. In the police reports, Dr. Dubin is reported to have admitted he knew it was wrong to do what he did. That admittance (coupled with the fact that he's highly intelligent with a doctorate degree) may be held as evidence that he knew right from wrong. Therefore, autism is not a defense against the crime at hand.

An opposite example could be the case of Zakh Price in Arkansas and other kids like him. Reports indicate he was being restrained and lashed out, kicking the principal. There are many cases like this across the country. Some of these children are being charged with assault. The problem is that their condition may have caused a situation beyond the child's control. A child with a sensory disorder (like with autism), is susceptible to sensory overload. If they are pressured too much, they will be forced into a fight or flight frame of consciousness and could lash out in attempt to get away from the extra sensory issues that are triggering them. Some cases have been dismissed and therefore, autism is an applicable defense.

There are many dynamics in cases and criminal offenses that may take precedence in deciding all of these factors. I should point out that this is the same, however, in any kind of court case. That's why we have courtrooms instead of lynch mobs.

What gets most advocates in an uproar, isn't the fact that someone with autism got arrested and they should just be let off because they're autistic. It's how the arrest occurred, the details and what they were arrested for. In most cases (that advocates care about), the person arrested can be shown to be have been mishandled. There have been cases where a person was arrested for "disturbing the peace" and "resisting arrest" and they turned out to have been severely autistic, otherwise mentally challenged, or even having an all out seizure. One case showed a man arrested for those two things and later proven to have been having a seizure from an allergic reaction. These are cases of clear failures in the legal system at the police level. These are the cases that raise hackles and sensitivities everywhere. It's a scale of unfair treatment that we want to see corrected. The only way to correct it is with education.

So, no, advocates do want a free ride for criminals. And that also should not be compared to wanting autistics accepted for being able to live life like anyone else or allowed to live life with equal rights as anyone else. We should also beware of anyone who tries to create stigma against all advocates or all autistics based on one advocate opinion or one person who commits a crime claiming to have autism.

So I leave you with this, 1) get all facts.
2) If you commit a crime and demonstrate that you knew it was wrong, you will likely be prosecuted no matter what conditions you live with.

Autism and Trauma Part 4: Crime and Loss

I wrote some time ago about my son's missing toy dog, named Nunya. It was his very favorite and once in a while he brings it up and can't let it go. It brings him to tears that we can't find it. I can only reassure him that perhaps it's in a better place or some spot we just haven't been able to reach. I don't know how his little stuffed dog vanished, but it's gone. I've taught him that sometimes we lose things and there's really nothing we can do about it. It is a lesson I will have to reteach him and reinforce for years to come. It will nearly always be over the same lost toy. That's how hard it is for an autistic child to let go of a lost object. It's traumatizing and requires additional support and teaching.

That's not to say that loss isn't difficult for the typical child or person, it's just harder at much simpler levels than it takes for a typical child. Traumatic loss can break an autistic's world and cause regression and depression. Not good things for our kids to have on any level.

The response for this is redirection, reassurance of positive things and possibly even therapy. It's important to be quick to teach and react so that you can start working on corrective support right away.

Even worse is the nightmarish idea that any of our children could be the victim of a crime. I know of one case where I cannot give names. The autistic child was molested by a teacher. What made this case particularly difficult was the fact that the child was already fairly non-verbal. Victimizing a child is a heinous act, moreso to me, when it involves a child with disabilities. The truth could still be found however in therapy, doctors assistance, and parents who know their children. His behavior changed enough that they knew something was wrong. What about those who are even less functioning? How much function do you think they will gain?

If you said they will lose function and may regress into themselves, you got the bull's eye! Children with most forms of autism, even if high functioning are considered gullible and may not realize they are in danger. They are twice as likely to believe a stranger's lies even if told not to. That's why you have to reinforce all teachings here more than with any typical child.

Everywhere I go, I reinforce with my son that he must stay right beside me and I often have a hand on his shoulder or I hold onto a portion of his shirt in my fingers. I don't do this harshly, rather lightly. If I feel his clothing slip from my fingers, I know I need to see what he is doing. My own high sensitivities help me to keep an eye on him and register even the slightest movement he makes. I never allow him to leave my sight alone with anyone I don't know. Even in my local Doctor's office, that is small and highly trustworthy, I'm nervous if he's out of sight. Overprotective? You bet I am.

Even so, there is always the chance of something happening to our children that is out of our control. We have to make sure that we are there for our children no matter what. Take reports seriously and investigate them. Get them proper treatment and support with fire alarm haste. Early intervention and support are key in treating trauma for crime victimization.

While this isn't as common as bullying, it's damage capability cannot be ignored.

Part five is the last part of my blog series on the effects of trauma on autism. I hope that you can see the differences in the types of trauma and how they can affect the autistic so much faster and harder than with a typical person. In the same manner it is also more difficult to treat because of the social disabilities that they have. It's hard enough to understand the social world around us, but hurt us with it and it's just that much worse.

Autism and Trauma Part Two: Bullying

Bullying is killing our children. Don't believe me? Put the words "bullied to death" in your search bar or Google them and see what you get. You'll see a list that boasts over 32 million results for how children are being relentlessly tortured by their peers. You'll find stories of schools getting sued because they failed to protect a child on their premises, and he or she took their own life. Time magazine recently put out an article on two eleven year old boys who hung themselves because they just didn't know where to turn. They were accused of being 'gay' and harassed to a breaking point. So far as I found, those were neurotypical children. They were bullied because they were different. If our typical children find it hard to escape or let it go, how must that be for the autistic?


I survived bullying that has brought instant tears to the eyes of some of my readers in the past. For that matter, it shocked many just by talking about it. Much of what happened to me ocurred in the presence of an adult. Why didn't they intercede? They were under the impression that we were just being kids. A boy on the playground once looked at me strangely and said, "Here, let me fix that for you." Being an Asperger's child, I took him literally, having no idea what he intended. He put one hand on the back of my head and the other over my nose. He pressed suddenly and hard, blood erupted down my face. "There, that's better," he said with a smile. I went straight to the teacher on the playground. I don't remember him getting any more than a minor 'slap on the wrist'. No follow up was done and every day on the play ground after that, he would smile at me from a distance until I noticed him and then run away.


That was in elementary school around fifth grade. Junior High was truly a nightmare. I was singled out for just about everything I did or every reaction I had. Between every class I ran a guantlet trying to avoid being shoved into lockers, having my books taken away and thrown downstairs or in the garbage, being kicked and punched, or even shoved down the stairs myself. I walked home from school an average of twice a week with blood on my face from my nose or mouth. I had no safe haven and there was no justice.


"Why don't you just be normal?" the adults would ask sternly. So it was my fault that other kids wanted to brutalize me. I know today that isn't true, but that was the loud and clear message to me back then. Besides that, I could not be normal. I had autism, though Asperger's is a self masking condition and no one knew. The simple fact is this, I am not now, not then, nor shall ever be, normal. It's a word I have come to despise.


So, what can we do about bullying in our schools across the nation? Education is the answer. We need to teach our children that hurting each other, teasing each other, is wrong. Stop passing it off as 'they're just being kids' because that's just not true any more. Child cruelty is growing out of control by leaps and bounds. When a child as young as seven years old, decides to take his own life, you lose the power to say, "he was just being a kid".


Schools need to implement a zero tolerance policy with mandatory counseling for both bully and victim. Make that policy known in every single classroom. Get the kids involved. When ever bullying is witnessed, all the kids should point right at the bullying child and say, "Hey! NO BULLYING!". It's an instantaneous public and social response that puts the bully on the spot by his peers.


I also suggest the book, Asperger's Syndrome and Bullying by Nick Dubin. He's an autistic author I have come to respect a great deal from his writing. You can find his books on Amazon. The school my son goes to has a beautiful program called 4>2 (Four is greater than two), or better said as 'for is greater than to'. It simply means that doing something for someone is better than doing something to someone. It is taught through all the grades of his school and powerfully advertised with bulletins on every wall. It's a system that has impressed me greatly.

If you see a need at your child's school to combat bullying. You must pull all stops. Print out this blog and show it to the faculty of that school. Print out the stories of lost children and use them as teaching aids as well. Find public speakers (like Nick Dubin and myself) to talk to the school and teach them about how bullying must stop and what can be done about it. Or take the podium yourself and share your own experiences. Help your school to implement a program. You can also demand that the school take steps to protect your child from an aggressor. If they absolutely will not take action after all these steps, you may have to consider the consult of an attorney. Our public schools are obligated to protect our children. This has now been proven by case law across the country.

I survived bullying in order to spread education on the trauma it causes. Even the most good natured teasing can be tough for our autistic kids, so imagine what outright bullying does. Take action, stop bullying.

Part 3 will be about abuse, so stay tuned and thank you.

Autism and Trauma: Part one

I know I've mentioned before that traumatic events are harder on autistics, but why is that? First lets take a look at what constitutes a traumatic event:

Fear: We actually have a very sensitive startle reflex that others have trouble understanding. They say, "why is it so easy to scare that guy?" and confuse it with a personality flaw. Depending on how hard we get startled we can face two-fold trauma of what startled us and public embarrassment.

Bullying/Abuse: Asperger's children are highly susceptible to bullying and can run into abuse situations easily as well. Since I am a survivor of both I can cite some definite examples. For one, since my behavior simply was not like any other child, I carried a large bull's eye with me every where I went. Even though I changed schools often, the outcome was always the same. My reactions made other kids laugh and some got downright cruel to get those reactions. Children without proper diagnosis, with parents that are frustrated with them and don't understand what is really going on, can submit a child to abusive situations, even if unintended. The trauma of feeling worthless or unloved still takes it's toll heavily.

Crime Victimization: Becoming the victim of a crime is highly traumatizing in it's own right. Add the oversensitivity and black/white thinking of an autistic and it's pure chaotic terror. Loss: Losing a family member, friend, way of life or even an object can induce traumatic effect.

Sensory Events: This often rides hand in hand with the startle reflex, however, can be harsh on it's own as well. Loud sounds that cause pain or discomfort (or other sensory effects of the same outcome) can create longlasting memory.

So, why are these so much harder on the autistic? Simply put, we are typically very late in developing the defense mechanisms to protect ourselves and cope with things around us. We find it hard to let things go even if they seem small to everyone else. Our needs of routine, sameness and predictability are as strong as our need of food, water, and shelter. It takes years of practice and learning to be able to handle some of the most basic changes in our lives. When you take someone who is so sensitive to their surroundings that moving and object two inches upsets them, what do you think the effects of moving into a new house will do? To a neuro-typical person, this is pretty commonplace these days and you can "get over it". To an autistic, it's destruction of everything they know.

So traumatic events can start with smaller events than would affect a typical person. With the impaired coping mechanisms, it may be impossible to let go of events that occur for much longer than typical. How, then, can we help with trauma of such a sensitive scale? With early intervention and constant support techniques. With Asperger's syndrome and high functioning autistics, it is possible to help get past some forms of trauma. It takes constant practice and reassurance, but it can be done. Take my son, for example. He had the misfortune of a dog biting one of his little fingers. He's now terrified of dogs. I take every opportunity I can, to introduce him to friendly dogs that we meet. Sometimes he'll touch and pet them, sometimes he won't. In either case, he gets to see a friendly dog with others, like me, petting it and getting positive reactions.

Naturally there's a lot to be said for timely counseling and interventions. Especially with bullying but that will be another blog. In my next blogs, I am going to go into each area of trauma and tell you how to handle them. So stay tuned, part 2 is in production now.