Learning from mistakes versus shame

My son made a couple of choice recently that he deeply regretted. I won't go into the details of them here and now. I would rather present the lesson they have brought us to.

In both of these situations his decision did get him scolded and corrected. They were serious decisions and did affect others around him. Recently he's taken to being hard on himself at various times of self frustration. He refers to himself in a harmful manner and degrades himself angrily. This has brought about an intervention of lesson that is very important for him. It told me he needs my support and if your child on the spectrum does this, they need your support too.

The lesson here and correction for this, is that it's more important to learn from our decisions and mistakes than to feel shame for them or beat ourselves up over them. No one wants us to hurt ourselves in any fashion. They prefer we learn something, make changes and move on. This is not such an easy thing for an autistic person to do in the first place. But if we apply early support to our children in this lesson, could it become easier for them? I sure hope so.

So I've told my son that I don't want him to call himself names or be ashamed (yes he used the word 'ashamed'). I want him to learn from his mistakes. His teachers want him to learn from them too. I've told him that I would never want him to feel shame or dislike himself over anything. We all make mistakes, sometimes they are embarrassing or silly, but mistakes all the same. We have to learn something from them so we don't make those mistakes again.

Next I asked him what he learned from this decision and talked with him about ways to avoid making that mistake in the future. In both cases it was about making a different decision, one that would keep him out of trouble. So long as he does that, there is no reason for him to worry any more.

But the rest of the lesson and intervention continues. It seems that this is a phase that must be dealt with. It requires correction and teaching so that he doesn't develop a habit of hurting himself as a mode of self punishment. No one deserves that and it's easy to fall into.

Anatomy of a schoolyard bully

Anatomy of a bully, what kinds are there? Does it make it any difference in how you deal with a bully to know where they're coming from? Maybe so. Nothing can change the fact that bullying is wrong and cruel. Nothing can change the fact that schools need to have a proactive stance on bullying. I think it's worth a look however, to try and see why the bully is partaking in his or her behavior. What's causing them to act out? To me, it seems that there are five types of schoolyard bully and these are totally my own definitions. Feel free to add your own views in comments.

The Angry Victim: This child is angry and hurt from some other issues that the school may not know about. He or she is taking their anger and pain out on others. They may be victims of bullying from larger kids, siblings or abusive parents. What ever the case, they need intervention and help.

Cruel: This is a child who has learned or been inspired somehow to be mean because they consider it "fun". This is the worst type of bully and should be looked at closely for possibilities of serious mental disorders.

Authoritarian: This child thinks they are somehow an authority or need to be the Sheriff of the school yard. They may be somewhat athletic and study in martial arts. They excuse their bullying by claiming they are "teaching someone a lesson". The sources from this could stem from any of the other bully types, but it makes them more dangerous because they truly think they're bullying is "justified" and they have the authority to do what they are doing. Could be a classic narcissistic trait. Leaders in college hazing fall in this category because they think that pledges must suffer to join the fraternity.

Discriminator: This is a bully more likely to commit hate crimes over race, religion, sexual preferences, or just being different. They commit their bullying because they think their target is somehow a lesser being and doesn't belong. This can go strongly in hand with Authoritarian and may often be combined.

Follower: This person is a bully by default and association more than anything. They may not even want to be a bully, but they are too afraid of the lead bully to do anything about it. They go along with bullying to avoid being the next victim.

We already know what happens to victims of bullying. They suffer loss of self esteem, post traumatic stress, and rise to risk of social outcast, drug abuse, and suicide. But what about the bully who is allowed to carry on without intervention?

Bullies who grow up learning that they can get away with the behavior risk falling into criminal lifestyles. They learn that violence or abusive behavior is acceptable and that only grows the longer it continues. Of all the bullies, the one who grows up to be the most dangerous is the Angry Victim. Since they are a combination of bully and victim they grow to be jaded and resentful. They carry all the risks of the victim with the possibility of being the one to explode and take others with them. Even their own families.

Next to this is the Cruel bully who does it for fun or entertainment. They will be abusive to their loved ones and use people for personal gain. It's been considered that several serial killers may fall into a category like this or the Angry Victim. Both could fall into criminal lifestyles easily with gangs or worse.

So, when it comes to preventing or taking any action against bullying, it's helpful to remember that both sides will hurt in the long run if nothing is done. Bullying hurts everyone and leads to broken lives on both sides. Knowing the source of a bully's behavior may help to intervene and correct. Again, there is no excuse for bullying, but the more ways we can find to combat it, the better.

Stress and sensory overload

What triggers sensory overloads and rage reactions in autistics? Why is stress so hard to handle?

Many people with autism may find excess stress or negative stress in general difficult or triggering to them simply because of the natural effect stress has on our bodies.

Stress triggers a release of adrenaline naturally as a defense mechanism. Adrenaline amplifies sensory input or intake. Consider that people with autism already have senses that may be "turned up" or "amplified". They already have a natural level of difficulty with sensory issues. Add adrenaline and magnify that. The result is sensory overload which can trigger several forms of behavior response.

Not everyone is triggered the same way or as easily as one another. But something found to be unpleasant, such as a sound or texture, will only become more unpleasant as it continues because of the natural stress reaction.

It all depends on what our sensitivities are and how they affect us. It also depends on how much we've had to practice with that sensitivity to live with it. Some sensitivities can be lessened by dealing with them enough to raise resistance. Not all can be handled what way either depending on the level of sensitivity. My sensitivity to squeaking balloons is a good example. I can't tolerate it, it's painful. I've actually had a squeal happen near me at a high enough pitch that it made me cry out. Others, stared at me strangely. Fortunately, the sound was short lived. I still had to retreat and give myself some sensory deprivation while the adrenaline effect wore off.

Just having a single sensitivity to something doesn't make you autistic either. It's an extreme of sensory issues across the board. Some are too high, others are too low, and those not affected could be drowned out by those that are over loading.

Our brains naturally process everything we take in around us. They do so with a series of what I like to call "breakers" that allow us to sort the sensory input. These breakers allow you to ignore input that isn't important, like the ticking of a clock when you're trying to talk to someone. In sensory overload and sometimes without, that ticking can be too loud for us to ignore and we will struggle with it and every other sound in the room in order to concentrate on your voice.

The stress reaction is also physically exhausting. It's like your very senses have had a seizure and they leave you drained from your body fighting to compensate.

It's best to have an escape route or allow an escape route for calming measures. Patience is also a serious virtue. Autistics should not be pressured or rushed. Berating and yelling will only make things worse. Even still, those of us with autism should do our best (if we are high functioning enough) to know our own conditions and how they affect us. Knowledge is truly power.

The effects of restraint

As I've been writing my support blogs, I've found some areas get repeated. Those are often worth repeating and additional insight. They're worth keeping up front in our minds as reminders of their importance. Kind of like bullying or Halloween safety. Today it's about the use of restraint in meltdowns or other behavior.

First, I want to remind everyone that the proper use of restraint is more than just how a child is held or how restraint is used safely. It's also about when restraint even should be used. Restraint is a last resort only for physical protection of the child and others around him or her. The importance of this cannot be emphasized enough. The first line of defense or action should always, always, always be verbal. That's not taking extremes into account, but may prevent extremes from becoming the norm in a child.

Behaviors that do NOT require restraint would include; breaking a pencil, ripping a piece of paper, stomping feet or being verbally defiant. For that matter general defiance should never be responded to with restraint. Restraint must never become a disciplinary tool. That defeats it's purpose, which is only to protect.

Behaviors that should involve restraint are; head hitting, attempting to stab self or others with a pencil, flailing fits that could harm others or the child, violence that is a direct and fully recognizable threat. Not just tossing a book across the room either.

A singular act of defiance, like throwing a book or pencil, is not an action where restraint is required. If they start throwing everything, which makes it a repetitive action that doesn't stop with verbal or softer approach, that could be a restraint worthy situation.

I want to touch base on an important effect of restraint and it's a significant drawback, even to proper use. One effect I've found in research and reading is that restraint always makes the situation worse before it gets better. Why is that? I think you will find that most of our children on the spectrum are very sensitive to their personal space and anything that touches them. Things that touch or invade space without consent or by surprise can get some interesting and negative reactions. The action of being restrained, not only invades personal space, but adds to already overloaded sensory issues.

This isn't to say, "don't ever restrain", rather to keep this effect in mind if you are going to apply restraint to a situation. The child in the situation will feel worse and act out more before they calm down. That is a natural reaction to such intense sensory trauma. Yes, I said "trauma". Too much restraint, or misuse of restraint can be severely traumatizing. Sensory overload is already like that by itself. Sensory overload and stress overload are like your senses having a seizure event. Have you ever known anyone to have a non-traumatic seizure?

Because of this, the after effect is generally an exhausted person or child. It takes a lot out of you to have your body whip into high gear and hold like that for any amount to time, especially several minutes to as long as 45 minutes. Just 3-5 minutes feels like an eternity. I haven't seen a child go through a 45 minute meltdown, but I've heard of it. I can only imagine that child being out of action for the rest of the day.

So restraint, at first, will momentarily increase all effects of what the child is suffering that makes restraint necessary in the first place.

Now consider what it's like to anticipate being restrained. How would you feel, if you went into class with the conscious thought that you may be held down on the floor today? How would you feel if that was your thought every day? How would you fare if you already had an emotional disorder and that was stressing you out every day? That can be the effect of improper restraint and restraint used as a punishment. That added stress, makes it more difficult for a child to "behave" than without. That child already has a stressor in place that they cannot control and pushes them towards their personal limits of daily stress. This is more than simply learning to behave because of consequences of our actions. This is in excess of anything normal.

When my son throws a toy, I take it away. That's a natural consequence. I do not pin him to the floor. That would not be a natural consequence. Not anywhere in life.

My son has, years ago, had fits where he would bite himself or head bang. In those instances, where verbal failed to redirect him, I did scoop him up and hold him to stop it. He would escalate because that was the natural body reaction, but then, in time, calm down. I still remember the time around being 3 when he looked up at me and wanted to know why he couldn't stop. He recognized there was a problem, even at 3. Kids know and remember. We would do well to remember that ourselves.

Dealing with frustration and emotions

Emotions can be intense issues for those on the spectrum. Just because we don't always show emotions doesn't mean we don't have to cope with them. High stress emotions are the hardest, especially if dealing with breaks in routine or unexpected events.

Frustrations need early coaching and support work. Learning how to stop and take a few deep breaths and think about our next actions can be a challenge.

For example, a child is playing with toys but time for the school bus is coming up in fifteen minutes. Even forewarning can trigger a negative response. When that happens with my son, what ever he throws a fit over gets put away immediately. With some things, if he's cooperative, it can stay out until he gets home from school. He knows this and most days it works well with him.

Mostly the trigger is that change in events and interruption to what he's currently doing. It means switching tracks and that takes daily practice. I have been known to interrupt what he's doing in checking on him, just to give him that practice. It's going to happen a lot in life, especially at school or later in life in jobs and social interaction.

Recognizing when an emotion is overpowering is important too. It's okay to take a break and remove yourself from a situation when feeling overwhelmed. I employ this practice with my son as well. Signs that he is overwhelmed and needs a break are things like swinging his fist, hitting furniture, throwing a toy, shrieking, or clawing/biting himself.

I discuss with him that when he feels the impulse to do these things is when to take a break or stop and take a few deep breaths before doing anything else. He knows that it's not okay to hurt himself and that throwing things or swinging his fist could hurt someone else. Even so, this takes lots and lots of practice. There is no fast fix for these feelings or behaviors. Even with medications, my son still needs this practice. It is the coming years and crucial areas of school like Jr High, that I hope for this practice to pay off. Other support areas will be less for him at that time. So it's important to have behavioral practices in now.

Picture day

Well, today is picture day at school. What that means for us is dressing up and looking nice, but that's not all. It means extra care in our morning routine to make him presentable.

As it is, I don't even brush his hair until minutes before we walk out for the bus. That's because it has a better chance of staying that way. If I brush it early, he rubs his head on the floor or wraps in a blanket for play time and it's completely undone.

Then there's coaching that needs to be done before he goes. I tell him exactly what will be expected and that he needs to be cooperative for pictures and the photographer. Fortunately, he loves having his picture taken in general. So hopefully that means he will be eager when the time comes.

He didn't want to put on his nice clothes today, at first. He usually picks his clothes is why and that changed routine for him. He likes having his choice of clothes. Breakfast isn't usually messy, but it's a risk. The biggest mess risk is taking his vitamins.

He doesn't like to chew his vitamins without a mouthful of milk. That creates mess possibilities galore. I try to get him to just chew and swallow but there must be a texture issue with the gummi vitamins. Yes, we have tried all sorts of vitamins and he doesn't like the texture of any of them. These are the only ones I can get him to take at all. And he needs them because his little body is hyperactive in more than just behavior. It goes through sustenance and vitamins just as fast.

But all that is done now for this morning and he's not torn to shreds. His clothes aren't wadded and soon I'll help him brush his hair. Looks like we'll have a good picture day after all. Please feel free to leave comments about your morning challenges and share your own experiences.

Staying in the lines

One thing that seems to plague people with Asperger's (according to some reports and my own experiences) is handwriting. Handwriting involves use of coordination and spatial skills that we can have difficulties with. Currently we are working with my son on his issues.

When he writes his name on a piece of paper, he has trouble defining it inside the lines. It comes out large and multiple words wind up overlapping. He finds this frustrating as it's not intentional. It's a natural difficulty with his condition.

The only real cure is practice. Practice at slowing down to apply skills to paper. Occupational therapy can also help and he does work with an OT. He told me this morning that someone in class told him about lines in a way that's helping him. He couldn't explain past that, but we'll take what we can get.

My own handwriting is horrendous. What's funny is that I'm an artist and I like to draw fantasy creatures and super heroes. I can do a fair job if I put enough time into it. So what's the deal with my handwriting? I have to slow down. Even then, my hand has lost some of its steadiness in time. My drawings have suffered as well as my handwriting.

Some good ways to help your child include working with teachers and getting large print practice workbooks for home. Start with a single line and practice keeping it between two other lines. As he gets comfortable with this you can add lines or letters to practice with. Even so, our natural impulsiveness makes us want to go faster than what our hands can do.

Most importantly, it is controllable and correctable with time, patience and practice. That doesn't mean he will develop beautiful handwriting, but it can get better.