Passing Thanks (dedicated to Donna Carmen)

She was one never afraid to speak her mind. That was my Grandma Carmen. If she had any opinion at all, whether you asked for it or not, she would give it to you. It may not be what you wanted to hear either, but she was very honest. Thing is, I don’t ever remember her being wrong. She passed away in the hospital just yesterday and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Yes, that creates an interesting array of thoughts. As I sit here and remember her, I realize that I’m thankful for having her in my life. She was very influential to me and one of the most supportive people in my family.

She took me in when I was stranded in the streets of Los Angeles at 17 years old. I was a troubled and random kid who still didn’t know that he was autistic or what that meant. Her strong honesty and direct communication guided me towards finding a job and doing for myself. I didn’t always like it, but it worked.

When I learned about having autism, she was one of the first family members to take immediate interest. She often had articles and people to tell me about when spoke after that. Like everyone, she knew there was something going on with me, but no one knew what it was.

I remember Fourth of July get togethers, family reunions, home shopping network and football being a big deal around her house. I remember the giant satellite dish and Grandpa’s giant ham radio tower antenna. I remember more Avon “shaped” cologne bottles than I ever saw in my life.

I remember anytime I was hungry while staying in her home she would say, “the food’s there to be eaten” and “If you leave hungry it’s your own fault”.

So I have a lot of experiences to be thankful for and I learned a lot that helped me in life. I’m very thankful and that is what I am carrying into my Thanksgiving this year.

Autism and holiday gatherings

I know of many families who don't go to holiday gatherings anymore because of their child's reactions or unsupportive family reactions that are involved. For some of these situations it's understandable. But if you have a high functioning child you may be depriving them of important social practice. That being said, it's that time of the year to consider all the things we need to do for our kids to survive the social dramas of the holidays.

Holiday gatherings fill a place with extra sounds and smells that can trigger the more sensitive of our kids. There have been times when my son just wanted everyone to go home because he couldn't take all the mixed voices anymore. The extra mix of smells from varieties of food cooking can be a trigger too. While the typical person finds all the odors a delight, too many can overload an autistic.

Can your child handled a holiday gathering? How well does he or she handle crowds? How big of a crowd? How loud? Compare your child's sensitivities that you already know about to what you know of your family's gatherings (if you haven't tried already) and you can gauge their reactions.

How do you handle the hard spots? How do you handled the possibility of meltdowns from sensory overload? As a matter of practice, remember to plan an escape route to a designated "quiet spot" where your child can feel comfortable and relax for a bit. A place to hide from the sensory input. If you are going to another persons home, you should discuss this option with them and see if they can work with you. If you have unsupportive family, this may be difficult. Understanding that, your child's welfare is more important than any holiday gathering. You should take no shame in having to leave early or just not going.

If you don't go, be sure to share some holiday experience with your child at home. Cook things that have some of those smells and get them involved in your own home festivities.

Another way to help with possible problems is to have things there that are positive distractions. Things that your child loves in the sensory realm. For example, maybe they just love the crinkling of wrapping paper in their hands? Let them play with it. It's better than a meltdown any day and comforts them. For that matter, some are best left with their special diet and what they prefer for the day rather than forcing them to what you know they may not eat. This will keep the peace for your get together and everyone will be happier for it. Try not to forsake any routines so you can help them say as balanced as possible.

What's most important is that you know your child and know what affects them and how. You are the one who can help them the best. Be their holiday advocate and you can find ways to get through the holidays easier.

With that, I wish all of you a very happy holiday with many happy tidings involved.

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