Book about growing up undiagnosed

This was going to be pointers on how you can be an advocate. However, I recently found something that I hadn't seen in some time. It's a link to download my book, Raised in Hell for free. Yes, my first book about living with autism from a very special perspective is free and always has been.

Why is it free? Because I know that families seeking answers already have enough on their plates. If you're wondering about seeking diagnosis and there are problems, read my book.

Why is it special? I know there are a lot of books about people and their autism out there. My book is about what can happen when no one knows what is wrong. It's about growing up undiagnosed. My father was often perplexed on what to do with me as were many. No one knew what I had or what I suffered and I couldn't explain it to them. I believe that frustration is connected to the abuse and bullying I survived. If there were the right education available at the time, my life would have been very different.

So I think it's important, very important to see what can happen. It's just one example and there are tougher ones out there.

So there's the LINK to the page where you can download my story (book one anyway) and hopefully it's thought provoking. Wondering about getting diagnosis? Read this. You'll have to scroll down a ways to get to the download.

Holiday scam season

It's that time of year where finances run high and people are out after your hard earned dollars. Unfortunately, scams are everywhere and you have to watch out. It's gone far beyond your doorstep or phone. Now it's all over social media sites and you might be surprised at who gets involved.

Donations. This is one of the worst because they tug at your heart strings and make you want to help out. People will claim they are collecting for some family who went through a fire all the way to collecting for big name charities. Well, I'm about to give you some pointers to avoid giving your money to unsecured donation scams.

First is a big rule you need to follow. Make it your policy and don't break it. When people come to your door or call you on the phone for donations, DON'T DO IT. Almost no one goes door to door for sales anymore because of all the scams and dangers involved. None of the big charities do this. NONE of them. Even school fundraisers have instructions telling kids not to go door to door. That's not to say you have to worry about little Jimmy next door. If you know him, know his parents, and know his school, you're probably fine. Even the Girl Scouts aren't supposed to go door to door anymore. I know that's a bit extreme, but it's to deliver a point. Joe Blow who you don't know is in your area selling magazines for the Autism Society? WRONG! Get it?

Now, as for those people claiming to collect donations for big charities, there's a few things you need to know. Here is the most important:

Anyone, ANYONE, claiming to collect donations for a major charity or organization (who is not part of that organization) MUST do so with the approval of that charity or organization. If they don't, they risk themselves towards things like jail time.

Even if a person is legitimate and still doesn't have approval of the charity organization to represent them and collect donations for them, they are doing it WRONG. I have personally seen people get into trouble for posting that they are collecting for the Autism Society or March of Dimes when they had NO approval to do so.

Check this out LINK. This man was arrested for selling raffle tickets for the Make a Wish Foundation. He even claimed to be authorized but he blew a big rule. NO door to door! On top of that, Make a Wish said he was never authorized to collect donations in their name.

Make a Wish's official status is this: Anyone collecting for them in any fashion must do so ONLY after going through an approval process. That will result in a signed agreement and letter of authorization that one must be able to show upon demand.

So, even if someone is collecting legitimately, one phone call could get then arrested. Protect yourself and do it the right way if you are considering this. If someone can't show you they are legitimate (as pretty much ALL the organizations do it this way) don't give them you're money. Don't give them your money for this, no matter what.

But how else do they look convincing past that?

Maybe they are selling something? Doesn't matter. If they claim proceeds go to a named organization, they have to protect themselves by following protocol. Otherwise you just can't be sure.

Maybe they say their kid is doing it. Same answer as above. People use their kids for personal gain all the time and it's pretty sickening. "My child has cancer and six weeks to live. It's his personal wish to give to the American Cancer Society and he'll draw you a Christmas card for just five dollars so he can give." (note the quotation marks, I am NOT looking for donations at all), I have personally seen this one on the news with parents who's child wasn't sick at all. They even did the Christmas cards and were caught with over 60,000 bucks!

Maybe they claim to be advocates or some special interest group? They might even have a list of tips like this on their website. That's right, they'll advise you on how not to be scammed by practicing due diligence their way. Well, just throw their own questions back at them and see what happens. If they are legitimate they:

-won't get offended
-won't insult you or bash you in any way
-will give you a DIRECT answer
-will be able to show proof requested

When they don't give you a direct answer based on above... run.

So what do you do when you come across these people?

Two things:

1: Do not confront them. Even on the internet. Many of them are willing to be major internet bullying nightmares and you won't hear the end of it for a long long time.

2: Call authorities and inquire. Call the organization and inquire. Leave it at that and don't buy or donate if in doubt.

It's really just that simple. Protect your money and don't give it out to support fakers and scammers. Be sure to check in next time for another survival blog dealing with advocates.

Social interpretations

One of the things I see my son struggling with is social interpretations. He thinks he means one thing, while everyone else sees his activity as something else.

This morning a lesson came to being when he was caught tormenting the cats with a roll of wrapping paper. He thought he was "just playing". The cats didn't agree. So, I devised a lesson to today to help him how things are socially interpreted.

Interpretation is how we understand something we see or hear. Because of varying points of view, interpretation can be very broad and different from person to person.

For this lesson I made four flash cards and asked him what he saw of each one.

First, (you can click for larger view) the top photo. He said someone was punching someone else. I asked him, what the thoughts might be of the two people. What if the person doing the punching really thinks he's "just playing". Does the person taking that punch feel the same way? And what if they are both "playing"? Will people who see them think they are playing? Things we see in social settings are at the mercy of interpretation. It's why we have to be careful of the things we do.

Now take a look at this picture. It looks like someone is crying. Why do people cry? Are they hurt or sad? That's the automatic thought and usually true. But what if they are crying because they're happy? What if they just laughed so hard, they couldn't help but cry? What if they just have allergies and it makes their eyes tear up? It's hard to judge from just a tear in the eye, but this demonstrates how many ways something as simple as a tear can be interpreted. Of course, the best thing to do is ask why they're crying, but that isn't the lesson here.

Next we see a person running. Why do people run? Usually it's for two reasons; to get away or to get to a place. People are either running from something or to something. Many times it's both. So why is he running? Is he in trouble, late for class or scared? There are many interpretations that can be made from the sight of someone running down the street. Mind you, I'm not adding anything else to the scene of the person running on purpose. Try to add interpretations only to the act of the person running. How many can you come up with?

Finally we see a person pointing and laughing. The second person is frowning. What are their interpretations? Is the person laughing being cruel? Maybe. Maybe they just thought something was honestly funny. The other person likely doesn't understand and may accidentally have their feelings hurt as a result. And how many ways can this scene be interpreted by a third person? Finally, can interpretations get us into trouble?

Our discussion was very thought provoking and my son appeared to get a lot out of it. Could your child use some interpretation advice?

My neuro update

So, yesterday I made the hundred mile drive to Shreveport to see a neurologist about my MRI. It was a good visit. She listened to me, answered my questions, and formed a diagnosis plan.

We did a big blood draw for an auto-immune panel. This way, if it's not MS, we can see if it might be one of the other auto-immune diseases. It's not easy to diagnose these on just an MRI after all.

I will be scheduled for a new MRI for after the holiday to see if anything has changed. If nothing has changed, it's not likely MS. If it has changed, then it may be MS. If it's not conclusive a lumbar puncture is the next step.

I really felt good about this trip. I wasn't treated like it was all in my head or that I was a waste of time. I didn't feel like I was the next project on the conveyor belt. That alone was enough to make me feel like this trip was a step forward. So, the fact that this takes time and multiple tests is easier to accept.

Step-parenting and special needs

It's tough to be a parent of a special needs child. It's even tougher to come in as a step-parent to a special needs child. I'm going to sing some praises today and I hope this also serves as useful information to you who read this.

The step-parent is the one who is coming in, late in the story of your child and has to take a major crash course in your child's needs. They weren't there from the beginning like you. They didn't have to deal with diagnosis or all the research you've taken years to do. They are, for lack of a better term, taking "baptism by fire". Statistics aren't kind to these relationships either.

If your child is lucky enough to have a step-parent like my son does, you'd know they deserve a great deal of praise. My Lisa deserves just that.

Not only has she tolerated a great deal with him, she's stepped up to bat, rolled up her sleeves, spit on her palms and gotten to work on the matter. She's been a great partner. She catches things I miss and taken her position as a step-parent very seriously.

She was the one who insisted that our boy needs a dog. Even with his fear of dogs, she found one that now plays and sleeps with him. She helps him with his homework more often than I do (even though he tests her by giving up easily or throwing fits). She pays him a small allowance for a clean room once a week. She easily pays for half of his rewards for good days, weeks or months. For that matter she printed him a brochure reward menu with his picture on it. Then she has a hard time sleeping from time to time with worry that she's doing okay with him.

We need to remember what our step-parents put up with. The best step-parents are the ones who are able to be "parents" in spite of the challenges. This is especially true in special needs families.

When it comes to being a SP of a special needs child, you have to be prepared to get your hands dirty. It's hard and there's a lot to tolerate. For many it's too much. And it can be tough on in-laws too, no doubt (just to mention).

So what do we do, that makes a success of our story?

Rules: We are on the same page with the rules and back each other up on them. If she sends him to his room for something he did, I back it up. If we don't agree on a discipline, we discuss it. We don't let him play us against each other.

Activities: We are all involved on this. She's constantly on the look out for activities he might enjoy as rewards or just in general.

Family Discussions: We talk about important issues together and he is included.

Respite: Uh oh. I have to admit, this is where our current difficulty lies. You must have respite and a break from time to time. You need to go out on dates with your partner and let someone else help with the kids. I'm sure, though, many of you can sound off here and show that you have a hard time with this too. The realities of child care will likely be my next blog. It's hard for several reasons. Yet, it is oh so needed and important. I can tell you that because we don't have it right now. We feel the pain and know what it's like.

Step-parents, should also start things out slowly. Get to know the child and spend time with them. Don't move into disciplinarian right away. That comes with time if at all. Parents should also never allow disrespect of a step-parent. Learn the needs of the child and take up a teamwork approach in fulfilling those needs. With us, my word is the final one on what is done with my son. However, I have great respect for her input and we've done a lot to help him through various difficulties.

United you stand, divided you fall. It's hard work, but also very rewarding. Our kids have their best chances (even when it looks bleak) by what we do with them now. I see it in my home, and hopefully many of you do in yours.

Asperger's and delayed maturity

I recently posted a comment on my facebook page that created some decent discussion. One point of Asperger's or mildly affected autism that I and many studies have noted is a delayed maturity. That means that maturing (socially and emotionally) appears to be delayed in children and adults with these conditions.

Comments left by other parents were quite enlightening. Many of us do deal with temper tantrums and outbursts in our kids where it seems like the behavior of a child three (or so) years younger. It naturally varies from child to child.

This can create inappropriate behavior that isn't intentional, rather they just haven't grown out of it. For example, a "huggie" and "kissie" child may continue the behavior years past where most children mature away from it. When the child is 9 years old and is still kissing peoples arms or stomaches (when hugging them hello or goodbye) it can seem rather odd to some people who don't understand. A hug and kiss goodnight is still appropriate for parents, but some may want to hug and kiss everyone in the room. Don't think that can't last until 11 or 12, because it can.

The important thing to do is constantly be ready to correct and teach. My son is learning handshakes for others instead of smothering hugs and kisses that make others feel uneasy. Just as one example.

"You are old enough and big enough that it's time for you to (fill in the blank here)." Explain what is expected of them.

When the behavior carries over to school, it can quickly invite bullying and being socially outcast from groups of more mature children. Schools are getting better at understanding this so they can teach better social skills too, but it's best if Mom and Dad are the ones really on the ball.

Late maturity also affects capability to handle stress (note my past blog on the subject) and childish tantrums can result easily. There are reports of such behavior even into 20+ years of age. Not all of it can be helped or taught out of. All we as parents can do, is our best, to teach them from youth. Many of us, who are around my age, have had to "go back" and relearn after our diagnosis and researching our own conditions. I know I struggled as a child and now I know why.

For those of us who have young children on the spectrum, this is the perfect time to apply those practices.

(Be sure to visit my other blog Galaxy Zento and it's fan page on Facebook! Click the like button and follow along!)

My neurological journey

Conditions are deteriorating. Things that remind me of that happen more frequently now. In the beginning no one could find any proof of the damage in my brain. I've researched websites to include places like the Mayo clinic and found that it's not easy to find the proof sought. It has to be drastic to show up on MRI's without a dye contrast. I was unlucky enough to have doctors who wouldn't run an MRI with contrast unless I was flailing on the floor. That compounded getting diagnosis accurately.

I even saw two neurologists and both of them discounted and dismissed me. The second literally kicked me out of his office only because I have bipolar disorder. He wouldn't hear anything I had to say.

In the mean time, I've consistently and slowly been losing my balance. I wear out faster than ever, despite exercise. I have vertigo over simple and slight movements of my body or head. And my cranial nerves hate it when I try to lift something heavy, even if I'm physically strong enough to. I faint or have a fainting spell. Coughing is dangerous, it will knock me out. Sneezing causes nerves in my neck and shoulders to react and stun me. It's called a brachial stun, used by police officers to subdue unruly suspects. And the contused nerves in my forehead hurt a lot and often. All of this seems to go hand in hand with my sensory disorder and make it worse too. It's all be gradual, but I can definitely tell the difference.

Maybe my problem was how the doctors in the areas I lived did things. The first time I spoke about this to a doctor here in Louisiana he set me up with a contrasted MRI. It came back as quote: "unusual". To that I say THANK YOU, it proves I'm not crazy or imagining things. I've talked to lots of people who have gone through this in trying to track their health and take care of themselves. It's a diminishing and dehumanizing feeling when doctors won't listen to you. Then it's a Godsend when they do. Maybe, now that I have an updated MRI that actually shows something, I'll have better luck with the new neurologist next month. Yeah that's as soon as I can get in and I have to drive fifty miles too.

In the mean time, my short term memory is crud. My coordination is worse. Last night, I was having a bowl of chili. I went to get a spoonful and slammed my hand into the steaming hot mixture instead. It dumped on my lap and scalded my hand. I can't tell you how much that messes with my head when that kind of thing happens. Two days before that, I spent an entire day in what felt like a narcotic fog. No, I hadn't taken anything stronger than tylenol. I was useless for the whole day. I didn't hit my head, or get sick. I was just fogged beyond belief. I've had to catch myself on doorways, walls, and getting up out of a chair is treacherous.

As these things happen, I find myself saying "what the hell?" I'm only 41. Didn't I have enough to deal with in my autism and bipolar? Or maybe it's something more depreciating than bipolar ever was. What if the bipolar was MS all along? I don't know, but sure hope to find answers soon.

I do everything in short intervals, even this blog. It sits on my screen as I stop and rest my hands in between. It's a struggle I won't give up, even if I eventually have to have someone else type it. If I can get someone (ha ha on that). Well, I will post on my journey more as it happens. Till then, be well.

(Do you like heroes? Please be sure to visit my Galaxy Zento blog, follow it and come to my fan page at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Galaxy-Zento/233056856752787

Making Changes

Hello, my friends. I am making some changes to my blog and you may notice this in the coming months. I have deleted some negative entries that really don't help anyone so that the more helpful entries are easier to find. I will likely still be deleting a few more that don't need to be here, but in any case I will also be slowing down on my autism blogging.

I will also stand for autism education and try to find subjects that help with that from time to time. I don't know how often that will be, but I will certainly try.

So why the change? I am pursuing something in my life that has been put all but on hold. I invite you all to follow along in the new blog titled Galaxy Zento. It's my fantasy universe I have had since I was a kid. I want to do more on my fiction writing and that requires time management.

So, I'm not quitting this blog, just rearranging my time in writing. What that will eventually do to his blog in the future, I cannot say. It will remain online however, even if not active. As always, I welcome new readers and would love to have you add me on Facebook or become a fan of my new work. If you like heroes and villains and a good story, you'll like Zento.

Always moving forward and always standing for education!

Proof on the Wildeside, Wildeman's credentials

I've been waiting to write this one until I found on last missing piece of information. It's not that I owe anyone an explanation. It's personally satisfying to be able to show proof. So this has a dual purpose; one is that it's good to look back once in a while and realize you have made accomplishments in life, and two is the satisfaction of proving what I claim. So what was that piece I was trying to find? It's in this link:

Police arrest 19 year old after downtown shooting

Give it a read and you'll find my name down near the end. This was back in 2007 after closing time at the bar I was doing part time at. To quote me in the article I copy paste this:

"Dave Wilde, who was working security at Sur Tango, said he heard someone screaming about a gun around closing time.

He saw the man lying across the street, and “I just ran out there and got to the victim,” applying pressure to the wound until police arrived, he said."

Mind you, the shooter had not been apprehended yet. I was not armed sufficiently to handle a man with a gun, but there was someone bleeding in the street. I did what was best to do. So yeah, that was me. And yes, my over-developed sense of justice may have driven me, my career may have too. That brings me to the next items.

I've had people from an old posting still sending me messages and posting about how that rotten Dave Wilde goes around calling himself a cop. Well, that's obviously not true. I was not a police officer, nor have I ever claimed to be.

This is what I was, an Animal Control Officer with the power to issue court citations. I did not have the power of arrest, however I had a radio and that brought in those people when ever needed. And anything that had an animal involved, our office had to be there. I've been on drug busts, house fires, murder scenes, suicides, arrest warrants (no, I only handled the animals- note above), and anything else an animal was found in. Officers from my division have even been on dangerous standoffs. And no, I didn't carry a firearm. I didn't even have a bulletproof vest until the last couple years of my employment.

And I was published in periodicals for my work, including the newspapers. Enjoy some more photos. For that matter, if you are on my Facebook page, check out my photos under "accomplishments" for more. Of course, the people who thought they had the right to demand this information aren't allowed on my page for being hostile. I know they still follow here however. Oh well.

Then they even said I was lying about being in the military. Hmm. And before anyone says anything, no I'm not worried as much has having a small piece of personal justice. I know I don't owe any of these self important internet bullies anything. But here it is.

Nothing like photos and real news articles to prove the truth. Now I have this to be found whenever someone googles and finds the other trash that some people posted with their false authority. Yeah, it has bugged me over the years and you have to gain a thick skin. I have learned a lot from these experiences that I hope will help me with future plans. I have a lot to be proud of, especially today. I'm proud of a great lady in my life and my great kids. I don't need anyone elses acceptance but theirs. Yes, to be successful as a writer, I need readers acceptance, but that's different. So, since finding that (apparently) the misused information is going to stay on the net and get passed around forever, I decided I would feel better if I had something else just as permanent. So here it is. Let it float the internet forevermore.

Autism and learning social skills

A wonderful question was posed to me recently from Lisa on Facebook who said:

"You mentioned that folks on the Autism Spectrum are affected by autistic blindness and do not necessarily do well at recognizing other folks' feelings and needs. Do you have some specific suggestions about how to be autistically un-blind?"

That got me thinking and I have a few ideas. Maybe some of you helpful readers could add your own in comments? Comments are moderated for being family friendly.

I've written on teaching out kids social skills, but I hadn't really thought about helping those of us who are adults today. We didn't have the same supports that are there for our kids today. It's a different world.

So what are some key and important things to know about socializing that help us recognize how others are feeling? As I go over these, the key is being able to add them together to get an accurate feel for the other persons attitude. This takes, practice, practice, practice. So try not to get discouraged. Also, click on images for larger view.

Facial expressions: While they are inconsistent in the autistic world, in a typical person they can tell you alot about how someone is feeling. Expression works best in the eyes (something that may be intense for you in the first place, I know). Other telling features are the eyebrows and mouth. Tightly shut mouth (pressing lips together hard) and furrowed (v shaped) brow suggests agitation or tension. Not necessarily anger, but could head that way. Raised eyebrows show interest. Tight lipped and avoiding eye contact (looking at the ground or off into the distance) could mean being emotionally upset. Smiles can be tricky. Usually they mean amusement or just having a good day. Maybe glad to see you? Sometimes it means they're nervous. Confused? This is where the next area comes in.

Body language: The positions people hold their bodies in as they interact are very telling of how they are feeling. When it comes to smiling, as above, this is particularly helpful. So lets break down body language.

Head: Tilted to one side is curiosity or interest. It can also be silliness if the person is acting out with wide gestures and strange facial expressions. Tilted forward (with eyes looking up at you) is a "get down to business" expression. It means they want you to get to the point of what you are talking about. Tilted back and looking down their nose at you is of interest but scrutinizing. This isn't necessarily unfriendly, but the person is likely reserved on what they are thinking. I should mention that the "down the nose" look is commonplace with street gangs. You can tell them by their clothing most times. It's more pronounced with them though. In average people it's more relaxed. You can google pics of expressions which I highly suggest for practice.

Shoulders: Drooping down means boredom (especially with the head tilt and a curved lip) or frustration. It also signifies depression or sadness. Generally it's not a positive thing. Held upward and level is a sign of confidence and alertness. These area extremes and mid ground is possible.

Arms: A big "tell" is crossed arms. This usually suggests that they don't want their personal space invaded. It's a matter of personal security and may signify discomfort. If they back away, draw clothing around them tighter, cross arms (the tighter the more you should give them space) then they are uncomfortable. Don't close in on this person. I'll get to personal space in a bit. Arms just hanging at the sides or in pockets is casual and relaxed. Movement of arms can tell a lot too. Wide sweeping gestures with raised voice and agitated expression may be something to stay back from. That person is likely upset.

Hand: Watch for clenched fists. This is the fastest way to tell if someone is agitated enough for you to steer clear. You don't have to run for the hills, but something is upsetting this person severely. They may be traumatized (watch for crying, shaking shoulders, and trembling in arms) or angry (watch for gritted teeth, v shaped brow with similar trembling). Hands that just tremble may be from a medical condition and not something alarming by itself depending on the person.

Legs: While sitting, crossed legs is very similar to crossed arms, though not as dependable because a lot of people sit this way. Both crossed legs and arms is almost definitely a security issue. They don't want you that close to them (or maybe anyone else either). While standing, shuffling feet around a lot could be a sign of agitation or just being antsy and having a hard time standing still. They may be in a rush to go do something else. Be careful not to stare at peoples legs, especially in the region of the waist line/torso. Guys, that is especially important for you. It makes people uncomfortable.

Note that there is no perfect way to recognize what people are feeling. With practice you can be right 7 or 8 times out of ten. Don't be discouraged if you don't see it all right away.

Now for some pointers on interaction.

When you approach someone, if they back away, do not close in. They are telling you how close they want you to be by backing away. Give them their space.

Be careful of staring too much at a person. If you are going to hold your eyes anywhere, look at their nose and cheeks (if not the eyes). Veer away casually from time to time as if just noting your surroundings.

If a person is nodding while listening to you, you are generally okay in your position. They are interested in what you are saying. Or they're just playing along, hard to tell sometimes. You may be able to tell by adding in other factors as above. Are they constantly looking away other places and shifting around? They may want to be somewhere else.

In closing tips, study facial expressions. Lots of pictures are here on the internet that you can find and look at faces. Same to be said for body language. The more you look and learn, the better you can interact. There is no perfect way, but remember to give people personal space and try to relax.

For personal space when facing someone, imagine the length of your arm, that is how far away you should stop (and don't approach fast, that startles people). Standing next to someone (unless in a crowded place) can be half that distance, but should be full length in most open areas.

Hopefully this information will help some of you out there in recognizing how others are feeling or reacting. Remember; practice, practice, practice. Never give up.

Good resources: Internet, or check out books on facial expressions for artists! Same for body language.

Autism and stress

Question posed: What makes it so easy for people with autism to freak out?

On the surface, some may be offended at such a question. It's really a good opportunity to educate on what it can be like to live with autism or several other disorders that aren't plain to the naked eye. So, rather than get offended, I suggest sharing what stress levels are like for disorders of this kind.

First let's define stress in the psychological sense. First you may be interested to know that stress is a very subjective word and everyone has their own personal view of its definition. For the most part just about everyone understands that something irritating you is stressful and causes you "stress". There are positive and negative forms of stress as well. Everyone handles stress at least a little bit differently.

Another thing most people can agree on is that stress has its limits. You can only take so much of a "stressor" before you need to take a break. A good example of this is to think of exercise. Imagine picking up a five pound weight and bending your arm while lifting it. When you lift the weight you put stress on the muscles in your arm. The first time you lift it, may provide little stress. If you lift it a few more times, your arm may begin to get tired. The more you repeat the process of lifting and lowering the weight, the more difficult it becomes. This shows the limit of stress on those muscles. Eventually you will reach what is called "muscle failure" and you will have to put the weight down and let your arm rest.

In mental stress you deal with a similar style of limits, but different kinds of stressors. For example, think of your monthly bills. If you are having financial trouble or just on limited income, your monthly bills (electricity, phone, rent) may be a source of negative stress for you. Fear is another stressor, whether fear of losing your home, having your phone turned off. Fear may be of something real or imaginary.

One more thing that we can usually agree on is that, with enough stress applied, most things will break down in some fashion. That breakdown point is called a "stress limit". How many ways can you see stress limits in your day to day life?

Here's an idea; when you sit down to your next meal, pay attention to how you feel while you are eating. When you feel hungry, that is a stress. So, you eat your dinner and towards the end of it you start to feel full. Feeling full is a stress limit on your stomach. Whenever you breach a stress limit there is always a consequence. Overeating will make you feel bloated or sick, for example.

Now, lets consider another area of stressors. These are stressors that you face every day. They likely mean nothing to you at basic levels if you don't have a disorder. Environmental stressors, like odors, temperature, sounds, weather, traffic, and even other people bombard you every day. Your typical person learns to filter most of these out as they go about their daily routines. Even these stressors can be too much for you though. When you are tired and trying to sleep at night, you don't want to listen to your neighbors stereo rattling your windows.

So what are your stress limits? Well, consider your stress level through the day, like a weight scale. Take into account that all forms of stress add toward your personal limit. If you get enough rest and are of good health, you should start out your day with low stress and energy to move forward with. As you go through your day and handle work and various things that pop up in life, these will add in their own way. By the end of the day( which is different for everyone) you feel tired and need to rest for your next day. This can also change based on how much stress piles onto you in a short amount of time. That is the clincher.

With disorders like autism, PTSD, MS, Bipolar and various sensory issues, the limits to stress are not necessarily less. Instead, the senses and mental limits take on their full limit faster than with other people. In autism, the brain may not filter out all the stressors like typical person can do. Thanks to that, if you have autism, your stress limit in your senses may be maxed out before you even get your day started.

Having senses too high or low in sensitivity creates high demand on anyone. It makes your interactions and reaction with the world around you chaotic at best. That also creates frustration which adds to the stress and then you're even worse off than before. Then other people lose their patience with you (as you are likely also doing for yourself) and guess what? More stress! And, chill out doesn't work.

Improvement can be found in practice for some, but it depends entirely on the person and how strong their disorder is in them. Just like lifting that weight. If you do it every day or even just every other day, your ability will increase. You will be able to lift and lower more times before you have to stop. Some levels of our disorders will not allow for this. Take Multiple sclerosis for example. As a progressive condition, it takes away from what your body can tolerate or do. The practice may slow it down, but it it's strong enough, it will overcome your best efforts.

Because all stressors lend toward your full limit (yes some can be rested from in short periods), people with disorders reach lost limits much faster. Some are always at their full limit. If you were at your full limit on stress like that, you might find it easy to "freak" too.

Autism and fractured communities

On every autism group website I have visited I see a claim of community. We claim to be a community coming together or already there. The truth is, autism is the one medical condition that has more dissension and diversity amongst the members of it's community above any other. Allow me to explain that.

Anti-vaxxers, curebies, ND's(Neurodiversity), SA's (Self Advocacy), and even "Autism traitors" are labels we pass out indiscriminately amongst ourselves. At the same time, we adamantly shout not to label us. Along with those labels are heaping helpings of hatred and insults. One side or group is constantly bashing away at another for some perceived insult to their very existence. For one "group" that I haven't seen a label for, may as well give them one and call them "Parent Haters" or PH's. This group is more adversarial towards parents of autistic children with accusations that they are only trying to "cure" their children for their own selfish needs (and destroy who those children really are in the process). Then there's hatred to NT's (neuro-typical people) that is just as bad. With all this internal segregation, let me ask you something;

How can we expect to ever be taken seriously? I have searched other medical conditions for this phenomenon. I searched bipolar disorder and multiple sclerosis, for example. I searched cancer and physical disabilities too. Autism is the only medical condition that acts more like some kind of deranged politics mixed with religious standings. It's putting people at each others throats. Believe it or not, I actually have a theory or two as to why this is happening.

It really comes down to two things:

1) The fact that autism affects each person and family differently.

combined with

2) The inherent social blindness of autistic conditions.

For example, here is a quote from a PH: "I don't need a cure or treatment, so why should anyone else?"

It's well documented that people with these disorders (and this is why it's seen as a disorder) miss how other people are affected by various issues (including autism). There is a natural tendency to expect sameness in a personal view within everyone else. It's like we forget that, just because we see the world in a certain way, we aren't like everyone else. We forget that everyone sees things in their own way. This is especially destructive in autism as I listed above.

Autistics who don't believe they need treatment or cure, automatically assume that no autistic needs treatment or "cure". And I say "cure" very loosely because there isn't one. The same can be said for those who dislike diversity or advocacy. They lose sight of the fact that everyone is different and has different needs. Not everyone has the same intensity of those needs either.

Another example is the eruption of internet flame wars where the slightest difference in base opinion becomes an accusation of being the Anti-Christ and gets accused of criminal bullying on all sides. This erupts in waves of inappropriate behavior to include creating "blacklists", negative blogs, and even direct angry emails. And while all sides shout "bullying", none of them stop. Yes, I realize flame wars are part of any internet meme and I've seen them. I just hadn't ever seen them at this degree before. It's about as volatile as high scale nitro glycerin, and most of the opinions aren't even meant to be insulting, or could just be ignored.

A lot of the internet wars happen because of high sensitivities in all parties. Those same sensitivities are very common in autism.

We need to stop and remember that there is more than one way to be affected by autism. The more we persecute parents over their children (none of anyone's business by the way), people over advocacy, diversity, or wanting disability rights, the worse we all look as a result. None of these beliefs are facist, racist, traitorous, or out to destroy us all. None of them are criminal or wrong.

Someone wants a cure? Let them. No one can force it on you. No one can make you get an abortion either.

Someone wants help for their child? Let them, it's none of your business. And if you are a parent, try worrying about your own kids.

Someone says "neuro-diversity"? Let them. It actually has helped some people and that's a good thing. You don't want it, you don't have to have it or subscribe to it.

We need to stop assuming we know what everyone else should have or do. You know how we hate words like "retarded"? How about "crazy"? Well, I have talked to people who have seen all the behaviors above and they can't see is as anything but "immature" and "crazy" too.

If you want to represent something, make it something helpful, not hateful.

Cyber bullying drama: Putting out the fire

There is a Facebook page being circulated that I will not name. I won't name it because I don't want to give it any further power and frankly, it doesn't deserve any of the attention it's getting today. What it's doing is definitely wrong and who ever is behind it should be held accountable. That's easier said than done.

When people post horrid things on the internet, what they really want is your attention and disdain. Mostly attention. In this case, a person or persons has listed names of people in a negative way. It's a common behavior, especially with no facts listed to give the least bit of credit to the accusations. So, it's really not very elaborate.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyber-bullying

http://www.stopcyberbullying.org/index2.html

http://www.cyberbullying.us/

http://kidshealth.org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/cyberbullying.html

http://www.ncpc.org/cyberbullying

Please peruse these websites for information on cyber bullying. What's sad about some of the cases here is that these are adults, not high school children. Adults should know better but even so, they get lots of responses that only fuel their fire. So I'm going to share what I learned from direct experience. These are the truths of these bullies to remember;

1) Nothing will change their minds. No matter what you do to try and "shame" them, it won't work. In the same manner, you cannot reason with them either. No matter the real reason behind what they do, they either take pleasure in it or see themselves as some kind of authority figure, dishing out "punishment".

2)Anything you say will be twisted against you, no matter why you said it.

3)The more anyone responds, the more power it gives them. It doesn't matter if you responded to insult the bully or reason with him/her. They especially enjoy it when one of their targets is responding.

4)The only way to silence them is to ignore them. They will eventually move on to other targets.

Now, everyone who is a target of this web page, has every reason to be upset. They have every reason to want to stand up for themselves and give a bully a nice black eye. But this is the internet and a black eye doesn't always land as intended. So here is what you need to no in gauging the threat of an internet bully.

1) Capacity of true danger: How dangerous is this person to you? Do they have your personal information? You should never post personal information on the internet. If it's there, remove it! Can they physically show up at your home or place of work? Can they contact there and have they tried? You need to look at just how physically dangerous they could be. Yes, how much they can do in cyber stalking at home and business is also important, that means they have your personal information and you should report them.

2) What are they actually doing? You need to take a long look at their behavior and ask yourself what it really means in affect to your life. Can their words on a screen actually do something to you? If all they've done is post a name with some random accusation, that really can't do anything to you. Most reasonable people, if they see this will be able to piece it together for what it really is and move on. If they've posted your personal information, made threats or suggested others should hurt you, then that would be illegal. If they are contacting you directly and you save the info, you may have something against them.

That brings me to a fatal issue you need to know about these conniving internet bullies. They know a secret. That secret is that, so long as they don't contact you directly, they can post what ever they want on the internet about you. The idea is to trick you into contacting them so they can say YOU are the bully. They will use passive aggressive tricks and go to great lengths to employ them, without ever making a single threat. So long as they upset you, they are getting what they want. The evidence is in your response.

That's why self defense against the internet bully.... is silence. And sadly, you can't everyone to do that, so they will get the attention they desire. But what will you do?

Examples of what don't work:

Write a blog about them, name and shame: They'll just do the same thing and claim you are lying about them, you bully.

Attack them right back: They'll use it to say you attacked them, with name calling (if used) and anything else they can make look negative. Your anger is their friend.

Email them to get them to stop: anything you send is evidence of bullying for them.

Now, the best thing you can do if you aren't sure (before you take ANY action) is to call your local police and ask them what to do. Then... you do it.

Don't give this person the time of day. Don't give their name credit. They should be nameless and never known. They want infamy, why give them what they want? After all, there's more than one way to apply self defense. Fighting back doesn't always mean being aggressive.

Autism: Expecting too much of ourselves

There is a trait in our self patience I want to talk about today. I don't think this is in all of us but it's in me, my son, and I've it in many others. We have a tendency to take the world around us very seriously. In doing that we take ourselves twice as serious as anything else. We don't give ourselves margin for error. We get very upset with ourselves in the process.

A witness may not understand where the sudden anger came from. They might even think we are angry at them or someone else in the room. It's amazing how hard it is to explain in the midst of the moment. Where do such high self expectations come from?

For one, they come from wanting to be acceptable to everyone else. To us, we see our shortcomings as very expensive and potentially damaging. If we've had bad experiences in the past with others misunderstanding our mistakes (and most of us have)it compounds the issue. Past experience may include bullying, where enough daily taunting hit its mark. Dealing with impatient parents, teachers, or any other adults who punished us for those shortcomings make a mark too. It's hard to overcome your programming from youth.

Think about it, if you grew up with a condition that made you struggle, and no one gave you any patience in it, would you give yourself any patience today? I doubt it because you were taught otherwise. With a natural tendency to take things too seriously, we are at a disadvantage from the start. It's also what causes us to not do so well with stress. We can carry only small loads in that department.

My 9 year old son, already has hardships with himself. We counsel him on them the best we can. We tell him that everyone makes mistakes and they aren't the end of the world. We teach him that a mistake is an opportunity to learn something new. We teach him it's not worth being angry at himself. Hopefully, by starting in his youth, this will make a big difference for him as an adult.

For me, it's a hard lesson because I was taught the other way harshly. The bullying was hell and they often said I deserved it because I was a screw up in their eyes. There were a lot of them and the school was unmoved to assist. Have enough bullies on you and society takes a new shape. The drunken and drugged step-parent figure didn't help. I had no safe place to go. The only marginally safe time of day, was when my father got home from work. Even then, I would hear her ranting over what a horrible child I was to the point of screaming and yelling. Her punishments that included drinking sour milk, chemical burning my hands, and screaming daily obscenities also taught me the wrong lesson. I was taught that mistakes are not allowed, or you will be punished most severely.

So, now I'm hard on myself. It's not as bad as it was just a few years ago. I can give myself credit for what I've learned. I've come a long way. Now my story and these facts serve to help others. As with any of my blogs, I am glad to have it shared where ever my readers feel it would help. Just use a link back to here for shameless credits sake, right?

Remember to give yourself credit, it's actually a healthy thing to do.

Autism: What they want you to know

Recently I posted a question on several autism Facebook groups and my own Facebook page. The question was: What do you want people to know about autism? The answers not only provide an educational view but demonstrates varying views of having autism. I'm going to go over some of those response here and I hope you find them enlightening. As always, feel free to leave a comment (comments moderated for language).

Answers:

-Autism is treatable, not contagious, not the end of the world, not a death sentence: From mild to severe, autism's comorbid effects are treatable and manageable (though to varying degrees). Parents of children with autism want you to know that their children are under medical management and not going to drop dead in the middle of some grocery store or park. In the same light, if you are a parent of a newly diagnosed child, it's not the end of the world. Learn about autism and research it heavily. It's one of the best things you can do. Finally, autism is not contagious. No one is going to turn autistic by being around someone with autism. I don't care if he or she sneezes on you directly. You may catch a cold, but not autism. So there's no need to snatch up your kids and flee the neighborhood park on sight of anyone with autism.

-People with autism can rise above their challenges: Even some children or adults with severe autism may surprise you. While there are people who need help for the rest of their lives, there are just as many (more in fact) who can do all sorts of things. There are lots of children who are in mainstream classes in school, capable of dressing themselves and learning complicated tasks. So, just because someone has autism, it shouldn't be assumed they'll do nothing for the rest of their lives.

-Don't apologize to us: One parent pointed out the annoyance of people sympathizing with her as if her child were already dead or lost forever. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that" is fairly insulting. As a stranger you don't know anything about the person you're sympathizing for. How do you know they need it? How do you know how they even feel about autism? They may be managing perfectly well and only told you for sake of education and understanding. I've had this said to me over my own autism and I said "Not needed, it's my challenge and I live with it just fine".

-Autism doesn't stop because of age: Several parents want you to know that autism doesn't mysteriously go away because of age. It doesn't stop because someone turns 6, 7, 16, 21, or 60. While a select few have treatments that can effectively bury their autism, most will always have something that shows. Many will continue to need certain supports or treatments their entire lives. Remember the above as I say this, though, because needing support or treatment doesn't mean you're a total invalid.

-It needs to be managed, not fixed: People with autism, who area able to communicate this, want you to know they don't need to be fixed. As above, autism is treatable with various support, training, and even the occasional medications. While needs vary by person, it doesn't mean they are broken.

-We have feelings, are still people, need friends and social interaction too: It's also said that just because someone is non-verbal, doesn't mean the don't understand you. There is a movie called "Mozart and the Whale" where the main character is a man with Asperger's who runs a support group. He says in the movie, "We actually want to socialize, we just suck at it". Again this isn't typical for everyone, but it's fairly true by my experience. So, keep in mind that, just because their condition can isolate them, it's doesn't mean they like it or want to be that way.

-It's an invisible disability: It's not a fad, over diagnosed or over blown. Not everyone is disabled by it, but some are and some severely. Just because you don't see missing limbs or deformities, doesn't mean they have no struggles or aren't disabled. Most people who make the insulting observation: Well you look normal, are forgetting something. I have yet to meet just one person who says this who is a doctor. People with autism or even bipolar, don't want to hear about how normal they look. They find it belittling of their struggles and insulting. Having these conditions have nothing to do with how we look. We would like you to remember that.

-Too often mistaken for brattitude: While behaviors still need to be monitored, children with autism will act differently than typical children. They will behave in extremes and are usually delayed in maturing. That means an 8 year old may very well behave emotionally and socially like a 3 year old. These kids aren't being spoiled brats (in most cases), they are struggling to cope with the world around them.

-Autism affects the whole family: It takes a village to raise a child. That couldn't be more true with autism. Having to deal with an autistic child affects everyone in the household. Not only does the child need support, but the family does too in their own way. Siblings may get upset because they feel their autistic sibling gets away with more than they do. Adults may clash over support issues. It's not easy to balance an autistic household.

Finally, just two more. While I would like to post all of the awesome comments I got, I just don't have room.

-It's a manmade pandemic: I have to post this and call it to task. Remember what I said above? A pandemic is an epidemic of infectious disease covering large areas such as continents or world wide. So the comment is incorrect in the idea of a pandemic because autism is not contagious or infectious. It's not an infection. But manmade? That's entirely possible and even probable. Generations of exposure to major pollutants like lead, asbestos, chemicals, drugs, and yes, even mercury with varied environmental factors have damaged our gene pool (how could they not?). At this point, there is no single factor that causes autism, rather a collection of factors. So, did we do this to ourselves? Maybe.

-It's a gift not a burden: This comment struck me as important too. It shows that not everyone with autism in their lives thinks of it the same way. There are plenty of people who say "autistic and proud" and it doesn't slow them down much. They say they are fine in life and need no assistance or treatment. We do need to remember however, that this is not true for everyone. Not everyone feels gifted, is gifted, or can go without support. We need to respect each others feelings and realize not everyone is affected the same by autism. Also, just because you are doing awesome, doesn't mean everyone can do what you do. The fact of this demonstrates the autistic blindness to other peoples conditions that comes with being autistic. So please remember, not everyone feels gifted.

So, feel free to leave your own comments here about what you want people to know about autism. I had lots of great comments and I'm sorry I couldn't post them all.

And the bottom line, autistics are people too.