It just happened and the news hits you like a runaway truck. You experience a mixture of relief and shock. Relief at having a name for the thing you didn't understand and shock because you still have no idea what to do about it. Better yet, your doctor may not know what you should do either. It's bad enough that parenting doesn't come with automatic instructions, but you have far more to learn than the average parent.
Well you aren't alone and this write up is geared to give you more than one place to start.
I am an adult with autism raising a teenager with autism. I've been on your path and then some. Not only did I have to relearn everything I thought I knew about parenting, I had to relearn myself. This advice will by no means cover every thing you could face. Every child is different and how heavily they are affected by autism is vastly different. That's why it's called "the spectrum". Which leads to my first point:
Get to know your child: Sure, every parent has to do this, but you are watching for intricate details that others will take for granted. You are watching for triggers in sensory that others don't commonly react to. You are watching for extreme behaviors that demonstrate super interest or reaction or almost NO interest or reaction. These will be noteworthy to you so you can help your child interact with a loud and intense world. Look for both the things that aggravate and provide comfort. For example, if hiding under a blanket calms a meltdown, you best have a blanket with you on outings. There are three subjects that I use to teach people about autism in children. They are as follows:
-Sensory: Various sensory (your five senses) "problems" or imbalances are common in autism. Colors and lights may be super bright and overbearing. Sounds may be too loud and invasive. Textures may cause extreme discomfort. Yet, some sensory issues may do the opposite so much that your child seeks them out constantly. These can be very strange behaviors. The list is long and some behaviors can be disturbing. The good news is that your child will develop past hundreds of these behaviors. Behaviors as a toddler are by no means bound to be permanent. And by no means should you think you cannot teach your child alternate behaviors. You absolutely can.
-Routine: The order in which you do daily activities is something your child will likely become very sensitive of. Changes in routines may be met with severe resistance. This includes issues like change of wardrobe from one season to the next. As they grow, clear information on how and why of changes may help. Again, these are teaching points for you as the parent. It's simply something you will have long term work on with your child. The forms of many sensitivities will change with age. Just know, that if you teach them to brush their teeth before getting dressed and one day you switch that around, it may become a very difficult day.
-Social: Social interactions are heavily affected by sensory and some delayed maturity issues (but not just those). Social interactions have a tendency to go one of two directions; too little or way too much. Lack of eye contact or "appropriate" response to your emotions (anger or praise) are just the beginning. Clear and literal information can be of utmost importance. For example, my wife summoned my son to his messy bedroom where he had tossed dirty clothes down in his doorway. She asked him "what is wrong with this picture?". My son became very nervous because, while he saw the mess on his floor, he did not see a "picture" anywhere. If she had asked "what is wrong with these clothes?" he would have understood immediately. You're child will have to be taught very specifically what it means when you are happy with him or not. Just expressing the emotions, will likely not work the same as with a typical child. As an additional caution, never spank an autistic child. It will ignite sensory triggers, cause huge meltdowns, and teach them that it's okay to hit you and others. When I say that you will have to learn a whole different way of parenting it is not a casual reflection.
Be involved with your child: Your child needs you more than ever to help them understand how to live in our crazy world. I'm going to make a suggestion that has helped my own son in so many ways.
Play games.
Yes, games. I play and collect heroclix with my son. It's a table top game with tiny figurines of comic book super heroes played out on a map. I developed short term variations of the rules for my son to enjoy at a very young age (about 8). It helped him with social interaction, math, and problem solving. He still loves the game to this day. He has fond memories of interactions with those games. How to react to winning or losing and the random chances of the dice are incredible tools that can be integrated into teaching how the world works in real life. It's creative parenting at its best.
Finally, let me tell you that (while you are understandably shaken now) you have become the parent of a very special form of person. He or she is going to show you things about life you never thought possible. Get ready, because it's going to be quite a trip.
Showing posts with label autistic parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autistic parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Friday, June 18, 2010
Autism meltdown preparation
If you have a child with autism you may know this feeling. The feeling of anxiety over going to public places for fear of a meltdown or erratic behaviors from your child. Behaviors that others just don't understand. But since we know that meltdowns are going to happen, can't we plan for them?
What I'm suggesting is a safety protocol or plan of action to help you deal with meltdowns either before they can happen, or during.
With very small children you can bundle them up and whisk them out of the way in order to deal with a fit. It's fairly common practice. Larger children aren't so easy to pluck up and walk off with.
Mind you, this is not to assume this will work with every autistic child. It's likely to be more effective with the higher functioning children. So results may vary.
First, if your child is communicative with you, work on establishing an understanding of how they feel. Make sure they know they can tell you when they are starting to feel overwhelmed. The drawback is that you mustn't let this become a catch all for your child to get out of things that you simply have to get done. Appropriate behavior is still expected. You're going to have to be a little bit of a sleuth to figure out what actually triggers sensory overloads in your child. So we aren't talking about a fit because they wanted a toy, that's a different matter.
Practice keeping an eye out for places you can retreat to for a cool down period. This could be a bench or a side hall. Maybe even outside. Ideally it should be away from the main bulk of any crowd and somewhat secure. In a severe pinch, a privatized public restroom can work. That means you can lock the door for one person use. (Be aware that lots of noise from such a place will bring authorities) Use these areas as a place to calm down and gauge whether or not you simply need to leave. Practice clear communication, not only in your expectations, but in them telling you how they feel.
Look for signs of meltdown. This is likely going to be one of the hardest things to do. With many of our kids, almost anything could set them off because they have difficulty processing the world around them. Look for signs of frustration that don't make sense to given situations. This could be in jerking motions, stalling, starting to raise voice, sudden wavering in voice etc. It will take practice but can be done with diligence.
Also, before going out anywhere, discuss what to do when upset with your child. They need skills to use in order to help themselves calm down and refocus. Again, not going to work with all of them and will take extra practice with most. For some, just sitting quietly will work. For others, it's been suggested to sit, put their arms around themselves in a hugging form, close their eyes and take long deep breaths. It can work, but all you can do is try. For our kids on the spectrum, isn't just about anything worth a try?
What I'm suggesting is a safety protocol or plan of action to help you deal with meltdowns either before they can happen, or during.
With very small children you can bundle them up and whisk them out of the way in order to deal with a fit. It's fairly common practice. Larger children aren't so easy to pluck up and walk off with.
Mind you, this is not to assume this will work with every autistic child. It's likely to be more effective with the higher functioning children. So results may vary.
First, if your child is communicative with you, work on establishing an understanding of how they feel. Make sure they know they can tell you when they are starting to feel overwhelmed. The drawback is that you mustn't let this become a catch all for your child to get out of things that you simply have to get done. Appropriate behavior is still expected. You're going to have to be a little bit of a sleuth to figure out what actually triggers sensory overloads in your child. So we aren't talking about a fit because they wanted a toy, that's a different matter.
Practice keeping an eye out for places you can retreat to for a cool down period. This could be a bench or a side hall. Maybe even outside. Ideally it should be away from the main bulk of any crowd and somewhat secure. In a severe pinch, a privatized public restroom can work. That means you can lock the door for one person use. (Be aware that lots of noise from such a place will bring authorities) Use these areas as a place to calm down and gauge whether or not you simply need to leave. Practice clear communication, not only in your expectations, but in them telling you how they feel.
Look for signs of meltdown. This is likely going to be one of the hardest things to do. With many of our kids, almost anything could set them off because they have difficulty processing the world around them. Look for signs of frustration that don't make sense to given situations. This could be in jerking motions, stalling, starting to raise voice, sudden wavering in voice etc. It will take practice but can be done with diligence.
Also, before going out anywhere, discuss what to do when upset with your child. They need skills to use in order to help themselves calm down and refocus. Again, not going to work with all of them and will take extra practice with most. For some, just sitting quietly will work. For others, it's been suggested to sit, put their arms around themselves in a hugging form, close their eyes and take long deep breaths. It can work, but all you can do is try. For our kids on the spectrum, isn't just about anything worth a try?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Autism misconceptions in school
MISCONCEPTIONS OF THE CLASSROOM
It’s as important to know the myths and misconceptions of autism as it is the facts and realities. What I will share with you here are from actual experiences of parents I have interviewed around the country.
-This child can’t learn the material or is incapable of learning the material. Children with autism don’t react to or relate with the world around them the same as other children. This makes it too easy to underestimate their learning capabilities and for educators to just give up on them. My own son was accused of this because of his outbursts and behavior that made it seem like he wasn’t paying attention. Later in the year he showed them all that he not only absorbed the material and heard what was said, he understood it perfectly. Erratic behavior is not proof of inability to learn. For that matter, autistics are well known for absorbing everything around them. But they can’t sort it as fast as others because they literally take in too much at a time to do so. This factor of autism is murder on their attention span because literally every single thing in the room is demanding their attention at the level of a fire alarm. If all your teachers could be armed with this information, we can give these kids a better chance to make it through school.
-I just don’t see autism in your child. This is one that has frustrated many struggling parents and seems dismissive to them. You may see a hundred children with autism and not even know it. First of all, it’s not the school staff’s place to judge medical diagnosis. Every child with autism is different and there’s often other co morbid conditions that take affect on the child’s behavior. It’s a spectrum and behaviors can be affected all across it. I’ve had teachers suggest that my son is too social to have autism. What is missed with that statement is that our autism kids will be an extreme of either direction. Those that are in the extreme of social attempts still have trouble with social boundaries and cues. They want to be social but try too hard and wind up forcing people away as a result. It’s important that staff not worry about judging diagnosis (especially when they aren’t doctors) and concentrate on what will help the child learn.
-This child is a brat or a nuisance. If staff understand how our kids are affected by their conditions at all, they won’t dismiss them as just brats. Our kids aren’t just trying to learn a curriculum but how to live through a medical condition as well. Imagine trying to learn how to juggle and ride a bike at the same time. Separately you can expect success in a given period of time, but if your body and mind force you to do both at once it will get frustrating in a hurry. That’s life for our kids on the spectrum, constant frustration because things they try to do never come out as intended. Then they get more frustrated because someone is yelling at them or scolding them when it was a struggle in the first place. That’s not to say they should never be scolded but it will take practice to separate the behaviors that require a little healthy scolding and the ones that don’t. A rule of thumb is to apply to behavior that directly affects others. Hitting another child or acting out against another child is inappropriate and should still be dealt with immediately. Getting frustrated over a spelling paper is inappropriate but not hurting anyone. It doesn’t require the same amount of discipline or handling. It is where understanding and some sensitivity to the child’s struggles can go a long way.
-This child needs to be institutionalized. If ever a phrase should be banned from escaping a teachers lips to our autism families, it’s that one. This is a medical decision and should be made with extreme care. Autism kids don’t need to be locked in a cell, they already are inside of their own poor heads. Why would we want to compound that pain? In my Jr high years in Lincoln, Nebraska I was branded as retarded and made to stay in a hospital for 30 days for evaluations. While they still didn’t diagnose my autism, they did discover I was anything but retarded. It was not my school’s place to judge me medically. In all fairness however, autism can be a masking condition that is good at covering itself up. That’s why we need to apply this new level of understanding for all our teachers and staff.
-It’s just poor parenting. Autism is a proven disorder and has nothing to do with how a child is “parented”. As it is, parenting an autism child is very challenging. School is often far more structured than at home and doesn’t involve the same needs as running a household. Autism parents have to take their child to the store and appointments and be prepared for spontaneous behavior at any waking moment. Embarrassing explosive meltdowns could happen for just about any reason, but mostly reasons “invisible” to the bystander. Daily routines that most take for granted can be long drawn out episodes and require vigilance and patience to get through. Staff need to consider that they do not see but a fraction of these children’s lives. They also need to remember that these are special needs children and parenting is more of a challenge than with an average child.
-This child is unhealthy or diseased. Autism is a disorder, not a disease. It is not communicable though known to be hereditary. High functioning autism children can run and play just as well as any child. They can grow and mature, though maturity takes longer. Calling them unhealthy or diseased is inappropriate and hurtful to the relations with the child’s family.
-This child is supposed to have genius ability. Not all autism children have a savant ability, while such is popular in the movies. What is common is for them to become so enthralled with a given subject that they can’t let go of it. They may become “little professors” on that subject. They may be able to tell you trivial information that almost no one would even notice on the subject. They may even try to apply that subject to everything they say or do (whether it fits or not). However, that does not constitute genius, just intense interest that gets them “stuck in a rut”. People with autism are extremely diverse, though there are mannerisms that are common amongst them.
-This child will never leave home or be able to do anything on his own. This is an impossible forecast. It’s also highly inappropriate. It suggests that a child with autism will never mature or grow. It’s true that low functioning autism children may need care for their entire lives, but it’s not true for every child and certainly cannot be forecast based on the child’s condition in elementary school (for the high functioning). Children with autism go through phases of maturity and growth. They just take longer and have more difficulty. Not only is it wrong to say this to parents (refer to idea of not judging or diagnosing above), but the children can pick up on it as well. I remember being labeled as ‘retarded’ and I remember teachers in more than one state or district who told me point blank that I would never amount to anything. Remember that these children pick up more than they show. It’s psychologically damaging and hinders self esteem which does hinder their personal growth. With proper support and care, many of our children will grow, mature, and be able to lead lives on their own. It’s important for this to take place in our schools.
So, from this we can take that high function children with autism:
-CAN learn the material, even if they don’t show it right away.
-are diverse and will show symptoms differently in their behaviors.
-is NOT just a brat or spoiled child, rather at the mercy of their conditions.
-does not require being locked up just because they have autism.
-is not the result of bad parenting.
-is not diseased or unhealthy just because they have autism.
-is not always a genius.
-may mature and grow, even if it doesn’t look like it at the time.
It’s as important to know the myths and misconceptions of autism as it is the facts and realities. What I will share with you here are from actual experiences of parents I have interviewed around the country.
-This child can’t learn the material or is incapable of learning the material. Children with autism don’t react to or relate with the world around them the same as other children. This makes it too easy to underestimate their learning capabilities and for educators to just give up on them. My own son was accused of this because of his outbursts and behavior that made it seem like he wasn’t paying attention. Later in the year he showed them all that he not only absorbed the material and heard what was said, he understood it perfectly. Erratic behavior is not proof of inability to learn. For that matter, autistics are well known for absorbing everything around them. But they can’t sort it as fast as others because they literally take in too much at a time to do so. This factor of autism is murder on their attention span because literally every single thing in the room is demanding their attention at the level of a fire alarm. If all your teachers could be armed with this information, we can give these kids a better chance to make it through school.
-I just don’t see autism in your child. This is one that has frustrated many struggling parents and seems dismissive to them. You may see a hundred children with autism and not even know it. First of all, it’s not the school staff’s place to judge medical diagnosis. Every child with autism is different and there’s often other co morbid conditions that take affect on the child’s behavior. It’s a spectrum and behaviors can be affected all across it. I’ve had teachers suggest that my son is too social to have autism. What is missed with that statement is that our autism kids will be an extreme of either direction. Those that are in the extreme of social attempts still have trouble with social boundaries and cues. They want to be social but try too hard and wind up forcing people away as a result. It’s important that staff not worry about judging diagnosis (especially when they aren’t doctors) and concentrate on what will help the child learn.
-This child is a brat or a nuisance. If staff understand how our kids are affected by their conditions at all, they won’t dismiss them as just brats. Our kids aren’t just trying to learn a curriculum but how to live through a medical condition as well. Imagine trying to learn how to juggle and ride a bike at the same time. Separately you can expect success in a given period of time, but if your body and mind force you to do both at once it will get frustrating in a hurry. That’s life for our kids on the spectrum, constant frustration because things they try to do never come out as intended. Then they get more frustrated because someone is yelling at them or scolding them when it was a struggle in the first place. That’s not to say they should never be scolded but it will take practice to separate the behaviors that require a little healthy scolding and the ones that don’t. A rule of thumb is to apply to behavior that directly affects others. Hitting another child or acting out against another child is inappropriate and should still be dealt with immediately. Getting frustrated over a spelling paper is inappropriate but not hurting anyone. It doesn’t require the same amount of discipline or handling. It is where understanding and some sensitivity to the child’s struggles can go a long way.
-This child needs to be institutionalized. If ever a phrase should be banned from escaping a teachers lips to our autism families, it’s that one. This is a medical decision and should be made with extreme care. Autism kids don’t need to be locked in a cell, they already are inside of their own poor heads. Why would we want to compound that pain? In my Jr high years in Lincoln, Nebraska I was branded as retarded and made to stay in a hospital for 30 days for evaluations. While they still didn’t diagnose my autism, they did discover I was anything but retarded. It was not my school’s place to judge me medically. In all fairness however, autism can be a masking condition that is good at covering itself up. That’s why we need to apply this new level of understanding for all our teachers and staff.
-It’s just poor parenting. Autism is a proven disorder and has nothing to do with how a child is “parented”. As it is, parenting an autism child is very challenging. School is often far more structured than at home and doesn’t involve the same needs as running a household. Autism parents have to take their child to the store and appointments and be prepared for spontaneous behavior at any waking moment. Embarrassing explosive meltdowns could happen for just about any reason, but mostly reasons “invisible” to the bystander. Daily routines that most take for granted can be long drawn out episodes and require vigilance and patience to get through. Staff need to consider that they do not see but a fraction of these children’s lives. They also need to remember that these are special needs children and parenting is more of a challenge than with an average child.
-This child is unhealthy or diseased. Autism is a disorder, not a disease. It is not communicable though known to be hereditary. High functioning autism children can run and play just as well as any child. They can grow and mature, though maturity takes longer. Calling them unhealthy or diseased is inappropriate and hurtful to the relations with the child’s family.
-This child is supposed to have genius ability. Not all autism children have a savant ability, while such is popular in the movies. What is common is for them to become so enthralled with a given subject that they can’t let go of it. They may become “little professors” on that subject. They may be able to tell you trivial information that almost no one would even notice on the subject. They may even try to apply that subject to everything they say or do (whether it fits or not). However, that does not constitute genius, just intense interest that gets them “stuck in a rut”. People with autism are extremely diverse, though there are mannerisms that are common amongst them.
-This child will never leave home or be able to do anything on his own. This is an impossible forecast. It’s also highly inappropriate. It suggests that a child with autism will never mature or grow. It’s true that low functioning autism children may need care for their entire lives, but it’s not true for every child and certainly cannot be forecast based on the child’s condition in elementary school (for the high functioning). Children with autism go through phases of maturity and growth. They just take longer and have more difficulty. Not only is it wrong to say this to parents (refer to idea of not judging or diagnosing above), but the children can pick up on it as well. I remember being labeled as ‘retarded’ and I remember teachers in more than one state or district who told me point blank that I would never amount to anything. Remember that these children pick up more than they show. It’s psychologically damaging and hinders self esteem which does hinder their personal growth. With proper support and care, many of our children will grow, mature, and be able to lead lives on their own. It’s important for this to take place in our schools.
So, from this we can take that high function children with autism:
-CAN learn the material, even if they don’t show it right away.
-are diverse and will show symptoms differently in their behaviors.
-is NOT just a brat or spoiled child, rather at the mercy of their conditions.
-does not require being locked up just because they have autism.
-is not the result of bad parenting.
-is not diseased or unhealthy just because they have autism.
-is not always a genius.
-may mature and grow, even if it doesn’t look like it at the time.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Chew your food!
My son has become a pocket gopher. I'm already wrought with worry because he's underweight and we need to get some pounds on him. He's not an overly picky eater, but he's developed a serious habit. He stores food in his cheeks and not just a little of it.
When his dish is empty he shows it to me with pride and I commend him. Then it's off to play. But not so fast. I have to make him sit back down and finish the bulging mouthful he has. On a couple of occasions I have found him playing with his toys 15-30 minutes later with a golf ball sized bulge on the side of his face. He never finished that last bite.
So what is he doing? Storing it as a snack for later? I asked him about this, curious to his logic. Well, asking him only upset him. He doesn't know why he does it, he just does it. He also doesn't like talking about how he feels. So all I can do really is just make him sit at the table until his mouth is as empty as his plate.
Past that, we may never know completely why our children on the autism spectrum do everything that they do. Most of it has to do with sensory of some type. Maybe it just feels good to have something stuffed in his cheek? Needless to say, our kids can come up with some strange habits. If you don't wind up scratching your head in wonder at some things your child does, well, you're likely not paying enough attention.
When his dish is empty he shows it to me with pride and I commend him. Then it's off to play. But not so fast. I have to make him sit back down and finish the bulging mouthful he has. On a couple of occasions I have found him playing with his toys 15-30 minutes later with a golf ball sized bulge on the side of his face. He never finished that last bite.
So what is he doing? Storing it as a snack for later? I asked him about this, curious to his logic. Well, asking him only upset him. He doesn't know why he does it, he just does it. He also doesn't like talking about how he feels. So all I can do really is just make him sit at the table until his mouth is as empty as his plate.
Past that, we may never know completely why our children on the autism spectrum do everything that they do. Most of it has to do with sensory of some type. Maybe it just feels good to have something stuffed in his cheek? Needless to say, our kids can come up with some strange habits. If you don't wind up scratching your head in wonder at some things your child does, well, you're likely not paying enough attention.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Autism, How do we do it?
When you see that supposedly disobedient child in public, having a meltdown and you wonder about that behavior. You really should pause and consider the parent who sticks by that childs side. That's the parent who may have to leave a cart full of groceries because of an autistic meltdown. That's the parent who may have to full body hug their child on the spot to keep them from biting or hurting themselves or others in an outburst. They're the ones who have to put up with harsh public opinion when their hands are already full. In short, parents on the spectrum deserve a freaking medal.
It's not easy when your child can't concentrate enough to get dressed in the morning. He'll be starting to get his jammie shirt off when he erupts into this ear splitting "eeee" siren noise while shaking his head so hard you think he'll knock himself over. At the same time he'll whip his hands back and forth like he's trying to shake something off them at hypersonic speed. Being an autistic adult, this triggers my own sensory issues and I have to try and get him to stop. I say his name louder over his high droning sound and put my arms in the way of his superfast flapping. I distract him so I can bring him back to task of getting dressed. I will have to bring him back to task a number of times. I may even have to put his clothes in his hands while repeating myself over and over to put his shirt or pants on.
Often he will just get angry with me and we will have a short temper tantrum- mini meltdown that I have to "not" respond to. My refusal to engage in some of the behavior can also prompt him to get back to task and be back on course for the morning. Once he's dressed we can get to the next part of our morning. If you look through my blogs on my Myspace page you will find dozens of parents who can say they deal with exactly the same thing. I am certainly not alone in what I deal with. Some have to be dressed completely by parental hand so I count my lucky stars where I can.
This morning he considered breakfast more of a plaything as he smeared his scrambled eggs, spilled his milk and purposely dribbled from his mouth all over himself. Wild laughter ensues, much of it forced because he wants to hear his own voice. I clean up, correct him best I can and make him go without his milk to drink until his eggs are all eaten. I get another tantrum that I have to ignore and soon we are back on track again. Not every morning is this intense. Mornings with erratic behavior of this magnitude tell me it's time for a med check, but I still have to get him set up for the day before the phone calls can be made.
Next it's time to take daily meds and that is a new chore in and of itself. He hates his medicine, and what kid doesn't? We do our best to get it down, but he's in a devil of a mood and more dribbling ensues. A good morning sees meds down in about 3 minutes. Today it takes 15. And there's plenty of kids who have to be fed by hand on the spectrum because they just can't process the world around them.
People have commented to me on how much I can handle him since I have a condition myself. But they only see a fraction of our life in each others hands. They don't see our morning trials or the things we do together when he's able to go out and have fun. Then there are those who look at his odd behaviors when he is ON his meds and ask me how I do it. I bite my lip, I really do. I shrug and say that we just do the best we can. We have our routines and I work with him on proper social behavior. But it will take time. And I bite my lip because the person who asked me that is only seeing the lighter side of his eccentricities and already feel overwhelmed.
That's okay, because parents on the spectrum can't afford to get overwhelmed. We don't have that kind of time. We do what we do and we do it every day. On top of that, we love our kids and wouldn't trade them for the world. We don't write these blogs to say woe is me, we do it for those who just don't get it yet. I'm writing my blog for YOU, parent who doesn't have a special needs child. I want you to look at the next kid having a "fit" in the store and think of these words. And before you judge that parent, ask yourself what they already have to do for their child every single day. Then ask yourself if you could do it.
I consider our morning trials just part of life and we get through them and go on with our day. That's how parents on the spectrum are. It's just part of our lives and we deal with it. Just something to think about. You can search for me on myspace or facebook by my email, thewildeman2@yahoo.com. All are welcome there because you just might learn something new.
It's not easy when your child can't concentrate enough to get dressed in the morning. He'll be starting to get his jammie shirt off when he erupts into this ear splitting "eeee" siren noise while shaking his head so hard you think he'll knock himself over. At the same time he'll whip his hands back and forth like he's trying to shake something off them at hypersonic speed. Being an autistic adult, this triggers my own sensory issues and I have to try and get him to stop. I say his name louder over his high droning sound and put my arms in the way of his superfast flapping. I distract him so I can bring him back to task of getting dressed. I will have to bring him back to task a number of times. I may even have to put his clothes in his hands while repeating myself over and over to put his shirt or pants on.
Often he will just get angry with me and we will have a short temper tantrum- mini meltdown that I have to "not" respond to. My refusal to engage in some of the behavior can also prompt him to get back to task and be back on course for the morning. Once he's dressed we can get to the next part of our morning. If you look through my blogs on my Myspace page you will find dozens of parents who can say they deal with exactly the same thing. I am certainly not alone in what I deal with. Some have to be dressed completely by parental hand so I count my lucky stars where I can.
This morning he considered breakfast more of a plaything as he smeared his scrambled eggs, spilled his milk and purposely dribbled from his mouth all over himself. Wild laughter ensues, much of it forced because he wants to hear his own voice. I clean up, correct him best I can and make him go without his milk to drink until his eggs are all eaten. I get another tantrum that I have to ignore and soon we are back on track again. Not every morning is this intense. Mornings with erratic behavior of this magnitude tell me it's time for a med check, but I still have to get him set up for the day before the phone calls can be made.
Next it's time to take daily meds and that is a new chore in and of itself. He hates his medicine, and what kid doesn't? We do our best to get it down, but he's in a devil of a mood and more dribbling ensues. A good morning sees meds down in about 3 minutes. Today it takes 15. And there's plenty of kids who have to be fed by hand on the spectrum because they just can't process the world around them.
People have commented to me on how much I can handle him since I have a condition myself. But they only see a fraction of our life in each others hands. They don't see our morning trials or the things we do together when he's able to go out and have fun. Then there are those who look at his odd behaviors when he is ON his meds and ask me how I do it. I bite my lip, I really do. I shrug and say that we just do the best we can. We have our routines and I work with him on proper social behavior. But it will take time. And I bite my lip because the person who asked me that is only seeing the lighter side of his eccentricities and already feel overwhelmed.
That's okay, because parents on the spectrum can't afford to get overwhelmed. We don't have that kind of time. We do what we do and we do it every day. On top of that, we love our kids and wouldn't trade them for the world. We don't write these blogs to say woe is me, we do it for those who just don't get it yet. I'm writing my blog for YOU, parent who doesn't have a special needs child. I want you to look at the next kid having a "fit" in the store and think of these words. And before you judge that parent, ask yourself what they already have to do for their child every single day. Then ask yourself if you could do it.
I consider our morning trials just part of life and we get through them and go on with our day. That's how parents on the spectrum are. It's just part of our lives and we deal with it. Just something to think about. You can search for me on myspace or facebook by my email, thewildeman2@yahoo.com. All are welcome there because you just might learn something new.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Morning Trials 2
As I've mentioned before, mornings are a special time of day. Before Denver gets his meds in the morning he can be a very random child and way off task or focus. I will repeat myself several times and may even have to take him by the hand and lead him to what he needs to do. He hates that, by the way.
A simple task, like putting on a shirt, could take several minutes to a half hour to get him to do. I can get him to move on it if I give him a time limit. Yes, there is part of it where he's just plain oppositional. He really isn't a morning person.
He gets lost in fantasy and strange erratic behavior. He puts up his hands like a small animal and sort of "flutters" around the apartment. He even has to be reminded to finish chewing food that's in his mouth. He stores it in his cheeks.
This morning, he sat at his little desk for breakfast and perched on his toes on the seat. I can't stand this and you're about to see why. He went into "little animal" mode and dumped his bowl of cereal all over himself trying to eat like one. So, start the morning all over again. New clothes, new breakfast and hopefully that doesn't make us late to summer school.
As an update, Denver actually gained 2 pounds! Guess those shakes work after all. He is still under weight. Yes I feed him.
A simple task, like putting on a shirt, could take several minutes to a half hour to get him to do. I can get him to move on it if I give him a time limit. Yes, there is part of it where he's just plain oppositional. He really isn't a morning person.
He gets lost in fantasy and strange erratic behavior. He puts up his hands like a small animal and sort of "flutters" around the apartment. He even has to be reminded to finish chewing food that's in his mouth. He stores it in his cheeks.
This morning, he sat at his little desk for breakfast and perched on his toes on the seat. I can't stand this and you're about to see why. He went into "little animal" mode and dumped his bowl of cereal all over himself trying to eat like one. So, start the morning all over again. New clothes, new breakfast and hopefully that doesn't make us late to summer school.
As an update, Denver actually gained 2 pounds! Guess those shakes work after all. He is still under weight. Yes I feed him.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Denver's Blisters?
Just to get started, I have to say that my father's funeral honored him perfectly. Just so I can say it.
We went to Elmira, New York on the second of this month for that same funeral and stayed at the Mark Twain Motor Inn. A lot of things in that little town are named for the famous author who was born on the passing of Haley's comet and died when it passed again. Just a little trivia for you. In the nearly endless front yard of this establishment, stood a large gazebo. In it, Denver found some childrens toys and one of them was a little red bicycle.
I have had some difficulty in getting Denver to ride his bike at home because of balance issues that we autistics have in major scale. He wants to, but then doesn't want to. Well, as he often does, he took to his own schedule of learning and being prepared and started riding the little red bike. I was only too pleased to let him.
The area boasted a large placement of concrete around the gazebo so riding wheeled toys was a snap. However, it wasn't until my uncle and cousin arrived on their Ducati motorcycles that he made an interesting change.
Denver has always been scared of motorcycles. That has changed. My cousin Scott let him sit on the back of the big bike and he reached out and held the handle bars. He became even more fascinated with bikes when the Patriot Guard arrived for the funeral the next day. The Patriot Guard is an organization of bikers for the respect of fallen soldiers and veterans. Look them up on the internet, they are incredible.
Now, did I say he was fascinated? I had no idea. Just yesterday, here at home, Denver told me his thumbs needed to be trimmed. I thought he meant his nails, but I was wrong. Bits of dried skin stuck out from an equal reddish area on each of this thumbs. I asked him what they were.
"I had bubbles on my thumbs, and they popped, and stuff came out, and now they're all dried up."
Blisters, he had blisters. I always found those little buggers quite painful, how had he put up with them? I told him he had to be rubbing something an awful lot to get blisters. What was he doing.
"I was playing motorcycle at the hotel in New York."
Motorcycle? Then I knew. He must have seen how the riders revved up their bikes by turning the parts of their handlebars. The motorcycles enthralled him so much that he played at this on the little red bike until it gave him blisters. His thumbs are fine and I certainly don't want anyone to feel bad. These things happen with kids who can get stuck in a rut on an activity so much that they can't let go.
That's just something that autism of his kind can do. An interest can become so intense that it overwhelms any other distractions. I did have a hard time getting him off the bicycle so it makes sense.
I do have to get him to stop twisting his hands on his bike, but I'm glad he's so excited to ride it now.
We went to Elmira, New York on the second of this month for that same funeral and stayed at the Mark Twain Motor Inn. A lot of things in that little town are named for the famous author who was born on the passing of Haley's comet and died when it passed again. Just a little trivia for you. In the nearly endless front yard of this establishment, stood a large gazebo. In it, Denver found some childrens toys and one of them was a little red bicycle.
I have had some difficulty in getting Denver to ride his bike at home because of balance issues that we autistics have in major scale. He wants to, but then doesn't want to. Well, as he often does, he took to his own schedule of learning and being prepared and started riding the little red bike. I was only too pleased to let him.
The area boasted a large placement of concrete around the gazebo so riding wheeled toys was a snap. However, it wasn't until my uncle and cousin arrived on their Ducati motorcycles that he made an interesting change.
Denver has always been scared of motorcycles. That has changed. My cousin Scott let him sit on the back of the big bike and he reached out and held the handle bars. He became even more fascinated with bikes when the Patriot Guard arrived for the funeral the next day. The Patriot Guard is an organization of bikers for the respect of fallen soldiers and veterans. Look them up on the internet, they are incredible.
Now, did I say he was fascinated? I had no idea. Just yesterday, here at home, Denver told me his thumbs needed to be trimmed. I thought he meant his nails, but I was wrong. Bits of dried skin stuck out from an equal reddish area on each of this thumbs. I asked him what they were.
"I had bubbles on my thumbs, and they popped, and stuff came out, and now they're all dried up."
Blisters, he had blisters. I always found those little buggers quite painful, how had he put up with them? I told him he had to be rubbing something an awful lot to get blisters. What was he doing.
"I was playing motorcycle at the hotel in New York."
Motorcycle? Then I knew. He must have seen how the riders revved up their bikes by turning the parts of their handlebars. The motorcycles enthralled him so much that he played at this on the little red bike until it gave him blisters. His thumbs are fine and I certainly don't want anyone to feel bad. These things happen with kids who can get stuck in a rut on an activity so much that they can't let go.
That's just something that autism of his kind can do. An interest can become so intense that it overwhelms any other distractions. I did have a hard time getting him off the bicycle so it makes sense.
I do have to get him to stop twisting his hands on his bike, but I'm glad he's so excited to ride it now.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Seeing myself in him
Have you ever looked for yourself in your child? I'm not talking about eyes, nose or other physical features, or even intelligence or attitude. I'm talking about behaviors. As a parent who has autism, I guess I have a semi-unique perspective on this. Most parents of autistic children are not such themselves.
Denver can get very aggressive with his toys to the point of breaking them. This is because he's trying to make what's happening with the toy as much like what ever he saw on television or somewhere else.
Take action figures for example. If two heroes are fighting, it's not enough to pretend the punch and effect. He will actually haul back and slam one figure into the other with force and conviction. He often does this with things that are not meant to be hammered into each other. He wants to feel the force of it all. It makes it more realistic to him. "But, Dad, punching isn't like that." Neither is crashing when it comes to his toy cars.
This often causes broken toys and those get discarded with a small lecture on being rough on toys.
So how does this fit in seeing myself in him? I did that too. I used to play all star wrestling with my vast assortment of stuffed animals and I didn't hold anything back. I punched them so hard they flew across the room. I did the jump from the turnbuckle and body slammed them into the floor. This caused tears and such that my grandmother would fix. I would get a lecture though. Crashing? Oh yes, my cars crashed with force that cleared other object off the table. That got me into a lot of trouble. "You had to see the ash tray! What were you thinking?"
I wasn't thinking, I was crashing. Didn't they know the difference? Apparently not.
It's important to remember the very literal sense that the Asperger's child has (along with other autistics to be sure). Look at a real crash. There's always force and damage and things go flying. Why would I play it out any differently?
Being able to see myself in my son has given me great hope. I know that I grew out of all the behaviors he exibits today. I did this without proper support, so he should do doubly as well, right? Well, that's kind of far ahead and he will have his own decisions to make by then. I will just have to do my job as a parent and remember, that I did these things too.
So take a look at the things your child does and try to think back. Did you do anything similar? What insight can you find? You might be surprised.
Denver can get very aggressive with his toys to the point of breaking them. This is because he's trying to make what's happening with the toy as much like what ever he saw on television or somewhere else.
Take action figures for example. If two heroes are fighting, it's not enough to pretend the punch and effect. He will actually haul back and slam one figure into the other with force and conviction. He often does this with things that are not meant to be hammered into each other. He wants to feel the force of it all. It makes it more realistic to him. "But, Dad, punching isn't like that." Neither is crashing when it comes to his toy cars.
This often causes broken toys and those get discarded with a small lecture on being rough on toys.
So how does this fit in seeing myself in him? I did that too. I used to play all star wrestling with my vast assortment of stuffed animals and I didn't hold anything back. I punched them so hard they flew across the room. I did the jump from the turnbuckle and body slammed them into the floor. This caused tears and such that my grandmother would fix. I would get a lecture though. Crashing? Oh yes, my cars crashed with force that cleared other object off the table. That got me into a lot of trouble. "You had to see the ash tray! What were you thinking?"
I wasn't thinking, I was crashing. Didn't they know the difference? Apparently not.
It's important to remember the very literal sense that the Asperger's child has (along with other autistics to be sure). Look at a real crash. There's always force and damage and things go flying. Why would I play it out any differently?
Being able to see myself in my son has given me great hope. I know that I grew out of all the behaviors he exibits today. I did this without proper support, so he should do doubly as well, right? Well, that's kind of far ahead and he will have his own decisions to make by then. I will just have to do my job as a parent and remember, that I did these things too.
So take a look at the things your child does and try to think back. Did you do anything similar? What insight can you find? You might be surprised.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Strange Play
It never ceases to amaze me the ways Denver, my son, will play. Children on the spectrum have unique ways of approaching play. The other night in his bath he reminded me of this. I heard splashing and naturally thought my bathroom headed for swimming pool status. I walked in and found the floor dry.
"Denver, what are you doing?"
Without hesitation he struck himself on the side of his face with his sopping wet washcloth. He didn't hold back either, you could have heard the slap outside.
"I'm playing water balloon!"
I could certainly see where the water laden cloth could simulate the effect of a water balloon to the face. Since he didn't flood the bathroom and had cleaned himself, I left him to it. Once he started water ballooning the walls, I had to step in and end the party.
I found it very creative that he simulated the sensation he wanted to feel. After all, he had no access to the real thing. That's not nearly as strange as the want for playing with toilet paper. Even at 7 years old he's fascinated with it. Recently he shredded some with a hairbrush. Confetti across the bathroom floor. I know it's the lightness and texture and how it can instantly absorb water that amazes him. He has to see it again and again until the stool is too full to flush. Don't even ask how I solve that one. You don't want to know.
Other tissue paper constantly meets the same fate so kleenex are a guarded resource in our home. I am known to time him in the bathroom now as well.
Kids on the spectrum are also known for running in circles, pacing, digging, licking things and all of those are simply based on how they feel and what they see in it. They see something we don't and it's important to remember that.
Denver's best of odd play is cardboard. He's incredible with it. Yes, all kids love to play with boxes, but Denver is articulate about it. He builds archways and floorplans. He makes full scale dungeons and is to scale without even knowing what that means.
So, even with the tissue play, is it possible that he will still see the intricacies of these materials as he grows? What will they mean to him when he's older? Who knows, but the possibilities are endless.
"Denver, what are you doing?"
Without hesitation he struck himself on the side of his face with his sopping wet washcloth. He didn't hold back either, you could have heard the slap outside.
"I'm playing water balloon!"
I could certainly see where the water laden cloth could simulate the effect of a water balloon to the face. Since he didn't flood the bathroom and had cleaned himself, I left him to it. Once he started water ballooning the walls, I had to step in and end the party.
I found it very creative that he simulated the sensation he wanted to feel. After all, he had no access to the real thing. That's not nearly as strange as the want for playing with toilet paper. Even at 7 years old he's fascinated with it. Recently he shredded some with a hairbrush. Confetti across the bathroom floor. I know it's the lightness and texture and how it can instantly absorb water that amazes him. He has to see it again and again until the stool is too full to flush. Don't even ask how I solve that one. You don't want to know.
Other tissue paper constantly meets the same fate so kleenex are a guarded resource in our home. I am known to time him in the bathroom now as well.
Kids on the spectrum are also known for running in circles, pacing, digging, licking things and all of those are simply based on how they feel and what they see in it. They see something we don't and it's important to remember that.
Denver's best of odd play is cardboard. He's incredible with it. Yes, all kids love to play with boxes, but Denver is articulate about it. He builds archways and floorplans. He makes full scale dungeons and is to scale without even knowing what that means.
So, even with the tissue play, is it possible that he will still see the intricacies of these materials as he grows? What will they mean to him when he's older? Who knows, but the possibilities are endless.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Autism and Divorce
I'm having a divorce. When you go through the big D you wind up going through all sorts of emotions. There is nothing to gain at this point as far as you're concerned. Only loss. Average folks do all kinds of crazy things when it comes to divorce. Desperation over property and children can drive you up the wall.
What can that be like for people with autism? I've explained before that autistics depend highly on their world being predictable and stable. I'm actually doing pretty well in this case, but that wasn't so true for the last two major breakups in my life. In today's case, we are splitting peacefully as possible. My wife wants to change her life and the best I can do for her is let her go. Unfortunately that means I'm not just losing a marriage or my wife, but my entire support system. I am my son's support system and that's no easy task with trying to apply damage control on myself. I'm thankful that I'm on medications for my comorbids or I might not be able to handle this. It's a scary situation because there is no one to help me if I have real trouble.
That's the unfortunate reality of divorce for anyone, but when you have medical problems that force your mind to depend on and view reality in a certain way. It's more than just an emotional issue. Denver is very good at observing, but he's not that good at decyphering. Now he worries when I drop him off at school that I won't come back. We have to make sure he knows, not only that none of this is his fault, but that not everyone goes away and stays away. He will always have both of us, just not in the same house anymore. That cracks the world he depends on right in half. There's no way around it, only through. Fortunately I do know what to do and what to tell him. It's going to take time.
Even with knowing, my brain still wants to go into a five alarm state because what I knew is no more. I have to will myself past that and resist it. I've had three major relationships in my life and not a lot of partners. I have children in all three relationships and try to stay in contact with them all. That doesn't always work the way I intend. Each one has lasted longer than the prior and I suppose that's a good thing. But back then, I wasn't on the meds and I had a really hard time.
The toughest thing is accepting the changes, then there's letting go. Autistics, as a general rule never embrace change, they naturally resist it. That's even if it's good for them.
I suppose all I've already survived has prepared me for moments in life like this. What an ironic and interesting point of view. I want to point out a blog I was introduced to recently. The person running it is a divorce lawyer who went through her own divorce involving her son who has autism. She brings up fantastic points of what such heavy changes can do to an autistic child and why the courts and all who work in them need to know. Her name is Pegi Price and you can google her or find her in my followers on my blogspot page. She recently published a book through the Bar Association called, The Special Needs Child and Divorce. Because I have trouble with posting links, I suggest you give it a google or search.
If you are new to my blogs, please subscribe or click follow on my blogspot. I'm glad to have you here. Also be sure to check out my other posts. You may find answers to questions there. You may pass on my information if you like, just make sure to give credit and hand out a link for others to find the source. Thank you for reading.
What can that be like for people with autism? I've explained before that autistics depend highly on their world being predictable and stable. I'm actually doing pretty well in this case, but that wasn't so true for the last two major breakups in my life. In today's case, we are splitting peacefully as possible. My wife wants to change her life and the best I can do for her is let her go. Unfortunately that means I'm not just losing a marriage or my wife, but my entire support system. I am my son's support system and that's no easy task with trying to apply damage control on myself. I'm thankful that I'm on medications for my comorbids or I might not be able to handle this. It's a scary situation because there is no one to help me if I have real trouble.
That's the unfortunate reality of divorce for anyone, but when you have medical problems that force your mind to depend on and view reality in a certain way. It's more than just an emotional issue. Denver is very good at observing, but he's not that good at decyphering. Now he worries when I drop him off at school that I won't come back. We have to make sure he knows, not only that none of this is his fault, but that not everyone goes away and stays away. He will always have both of us, just not in the same house anymore. That cracks the world he depends on right in half. There's no way around it, only through. Fortunately I do know what to do and what to tell him. It's going to take time.
Even with knowing, my brain still wants to go into a five alarm state because what I knew is no more. I have to will myself past that and resist it. I've had three major relationships in my life and not a lot of partners. I have children in all three relationships and try to stay in contact with them all. That doesn't always work the way I intend. Each one has lasted longer than the prior and I suppose that's a good thing. But back then, I wasn't on the meds and I had a really hard time.
The toughest thing is accepting the changes, then there's letting go. Autistics, as a general rule never embrace change, they naturally resist it. That's even if it's good for them.
I suppose all I've already survived has prepared me for moments in life like this. What an ironic and interesting point of view. I want to point out a blog I was introduced to recently. The person running it is a divorce lawyer who went through her own divorce involving her son who has autism. She brings up fantastic points of what such heavy changes can do to an autistic child and why the courts and all who work in them need to know. Her name is Pegi Price and you can google her or find her in my followers on my blogspot page. She recently published a book through the Bar Association called, The Special Needs Child and Divorce. Because I have trouble with posting links, I suggest you give it a google or search.
If you are new to my blogs, please subscribe or click follow on my blogspot. I'm glad to have you here. Also be sure to check out my other posts. You may find answers to questions there. You may pass on my information if you like, just make sure to give credit and hand out a link for others to find the source. Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Morning Trials
My son, Denver, does not like being woke up in the morning. He likes to wake up at his own speed. You can tell the difference in the mornings that he gets himself out of bed, he's simply a happier kid. Heaven help me if I have to wake him up in the middle of the night, he can get really angry then. Just a year ago he could go into a violent fit at being awakened. He's better about that now, but still doens't like it.
Today he got out of bed at the sound of me walking around the apartment. So out bounces a happy rested Denver. I get him some clothes, sometimes he picks them, and we have a race to get dressed. It's a great way to get him motivated to move in the morning or at others times as well. He usually wins, but not this morning. Next it's time to pick what he wants for breakfast. He get's his choice out of what we have, depending on if I'm up to making it. I won't make pancakes every day, after all.
After he has his breakfast it's time for the morning trouble spot. He used to be much better about taking his meds. Now, when I tell him it's time for both of us to take our meds, I get a screaming fit. He knocked his toy castle of the table and started kicking everything near him. He's learned to pull his punches on objects because he knows it will hurt if he lays into things at full strength. That's how I know it's a fit he can control. I offer him time out until he's ready to take his medicine for the day. He immediately comes over to me stomping, huffing and swatting at things near him. He takes his medicine and I take mine. I remind him gently that he knows what his day will be like if he doesn't take his medicine or I don't take mine. Then I send him to the couch to have a time out anyway because of the fit.
That earns me a loud, "I hate you" that I ignore and sit down to check my emails. He goes through a noise making stage and inevitably wants to know when he can get up.
"When do you think you can get up?"
"When I've been quiet."
"Have you?"
"No."
Back to my emails. He remains silent for several minutes. Normally time out ranges at one minute for each year of age. I give him a touch of slack on that sometimes, when his meds haven't kicked in yet. I'll go for three or four minutes. He pulls that off and I let him get up. Apology is given and we're off on the rest of our morning.
At about 7:30 I check his homework and sign his school papers. There's some reading done. He loves to read and it's quickly becoming as strong point of his. The only other thing about mornings is getting him to slow down. I swear he's going to wake the neighborhood. One of his stimming behaviors is to shake his head and hands rapidly while jumping up and down emitting a high pitched EEEEEEEE sound. This causes my poor eardrums (with my own sensitivity to sound)to go into a panic. I have found myself yelling STOP, more than once with my hands over my ears. It's hard to not do that, like trying not to let your leg kick when the dr hits that nerve in your knee. Most times, he does stop and he knows what sounds bug me. Sometimes he uses them on purpose, so I put him in time out on purpose.
As far as I'm concerned, using someones sensitivities to harass or harm is just like walking up and punching them. I won't allow it. If he does it to me, he'll do it to some kid at school. I won't allow that if I can help it.
Once the meds kick in he slows down and has much better control over his impulses that are very hyperactive up until then.
I give him time warnings before we are going to leave or I'm going to have him do his homework. That helps to keep from interrupting him from what he's doing. When I suddenly interrupt him from an activity he's absorbed in, I can get a stomping fit that just gets him into trouble and causes us a delays. So I give him a fifteen minute and maybe a five minute warning. If he gives me grief over those, it's time out. If he goes along with it all and does what he's supposed to, he gets a blue poker chip in the "go" jar for a reward later on.
At 8:00 it's time to put on shoes and make sure backpack is ready to go. Then, by 8:10 we are headed out the door. I'm very particular about when I get out the door to go somewhere. I hate being late or slow to get going. If we run late it means parking hassles and stress, I hate that. Yes, I do work with it and try to keep my stress down, but like most autistics I have my routines and I can be obsessive about them.
I wait with Denver at school until he's ready to go to class. Goodbye's are given with promise that I will be back when school lets out and the morning business is done.
As for non-school days, those are very relaxed and everyone gets to sleep in. Summer may bring some other changes in schedule, but we'll see when we get there.
Today he got out of bed at the sound of me walking around the apartment. So out bounces a happy rested Denver. I get him some clothes, sometimes he picks them, and we have a race to get dressed. It's a great way to get him motivated to move in the morning or at others times as well. He usually wins, but not this morning. Next it's time to pick what he wants for breakfast. He get's his choice out of what we have, depending on if I'm up to making it. I won't make pancakes every day, after all.
After he has his breakfast it's time for the morning trouble spot. He used to be much better about taking his meds. Now, when I tell him it's time for both of us to take our meds, I get a screaming fit. He knocked his toy castle of the table and started kicking everything near him. He's learned to pull his punches on objects because he knows it will hurt if he lays into things at full strength. That's how I know it's a fit he can control. I offer him time out until he's ready to take his medicine for the day. He immediately comes over to me stomping, huffing and swatting at things near him. He takes his medicine and I take mine. I remind him gently that he knows what his day will be like if he doesn't take his medicine or I don't take mine. Then I send him to the couch to have a time out anyway because of the fit.
That earns me a loud, "I hate you" that I ignore and sit down to check my emails. He goes through a noise making stage and inevitably wants to know when he can get up.
"When do you think you can get up?"
"When I've been quiet."
"Have you?"
"No."
Back to my emails. He remains silent for several minutes. Normally time out ranges at one minute for each year of age. I give him a touch of slack on that sometimes, when his meds haven't kicked in yet. I'll go for three or four minutes. He pulls that off and I let him get up. Apology is given and we're off on the rest of our morning.
At about 7:30 I check his homework and sign his school papers. There's some reading done. He loves to read and it's quickly becoming as strong point of his. The only other thing about mornings is getting him to slow down. I swear he's going to wake the neighborhood. One of his stimming behaviors is to shake his head and hands rapidly while jumping up and down emitting a high pitched EEEEEEEE sound. This causes my poor eardrums (with my own sensitivity to sound)to go into a panic. I have found myself yelling STOP, more than once with my hands over my ears. It's hard to not do that, like trying not to let your leg kick when the dr hits that nerve in your knee. Most times, he does stop and he knows what sounds bug me. Sometimes he uses them on purpose, so I put him in time out on purpose.
As far as I'm concerned, using someones sensitivities to harass or harm is just like walking up and punching them. I won't allow it. If he does it to me, he'll do it to some kid at school. I won't allow that if I can help it.
Once the meds kick in he slows down and has much better control over his impulses that are very hyperactive up until then.
I give him time warnings before we are going to leave or I'm going to have him do his homework. That helps to keep from interrupting him from what he's doing. When I suddenly interrupt him from an activity he's absorbed in, I can get a stomping fit that just gets him into trouble and causes us a delays. So I give him a fifteen minute and maybe a five minute warning. If he gives me grief over those, it's time out. If he goes along with it all and does what he's supposed to, he gets a blue poker chip in the "go" jar for a reward later on.
At 8:00 it's time to put on shoes and make sure backpack is ready to go. Then, by 8:10 we are headed out the door. I'm very particular about when I get out the door to go somewhere. I hate being late or slow to get going. If we run late it means parking hassles and stress, I hate that. Yes, I do work with it and try to keep my stress down, but like most autistics I have my routines and I can be obsessive about them.
I wait with Denver at school until he's ready to go to class. Goodbye's are given with promise that I will be back when school lets out and the morning business is done.
As for non-school days, those are very relaxed and everyone gets to sleep in. Summer may bring some other changes in schedule, but we'll see when we get there.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Gifts of Autism
We can spend a long time discussing how things can be hard with autism. For the most part, I prefer 'different'. Some things are actually quite a challenge but today I want to take it the other direction. Is there anything good about autism? Actually there is a positive spin.
I believe just about every autistic I've met has had some kind of distinct special skill. Usually it's based on their special interest but some go above and beyond even that. Take Daniel Temmet for example an his book, Born on a Blue Day. Daniel is a mathematic prodigy and they're still trying to figure him out. He sees shapes and numbers as textures and composites. He's capable of doing fantastic problems almost instantly.
Check out Matt Savage, you won't believe it but he taught himself to play piano. A feat that famous player Al Stewart just had to see for himself. In this video he plays the compelx piece, "Year of the Cat". Check it out:
Then try Jason McElwain who has a 90% accuracy ratio in shooting baskets. This boy made the news for firing a successful 6 three pointer shots in a row. It was the last game of the season and I bet they wish they put him in sooner!
I took the Global Assessment Functioning test in Nebraska to see what my level of general function is. It came up at 40%, which is why I'm on disability. Don't let that fool you. I do have capabilities that I am working on to bypass my disabilities. I also took a test of my skills at Vocational Rehab. My strengths came up in protection jobs and writing jobs.
On the protection jobs, I have 19 years experience in working security and 6 of that was actual law enforcement with a national certification. Yes, that was in Animal Control, but let me tell you that, because of how they do it in Lincoln, I've been on everything from murder scene to drug bust. I have stories, but they'll have to come later. I've always been interested in helping and protecting others. On investigations, I became known for finding small details that led me to closing cases and finding people. Those details were overlooked by others, but seemed so much larger to me. My sensitivities to odors and even sounds gave me an edge when handling cases that could have been more questionable.
On my writing I have had a lot of wonderful comments and compliments. I am very thankful and the test showed that I had this capability. I always have, so far as I know. Mind you, I don't want to be a braggart, but if you have it use it, right? I guess this is why I've had the interest in writing stories since very young.
The one area they didn't test me on is art. I am an artist and a great deal of my work can be seen at my myspace page in photos here. Oh and here.
My son, Denver has quite a bit of skill himself. He likes to build things. He's constantly surprising me with what he can do with common cardboard. I have witnessed his excelling at this skill above all others. He makes dungeons complete with pitfalls and traps. I wouldn't be surprised if he winds up becoming an engineer like his grandfather.
Of course there's famous autistics like Bill Gates and Keaneau Reeves. You can find a long list of people either confirmed or considered autistic and all of them with their own interesting gifts. For that matter, I think that autistics should be given a chance with those gifts to do good things for their communities. For all we know, an autistic finance team could save our economy.
I know, not all autistic show a big ol gift, some never are very clear on it, but I think it's still there somewhere and if you can bring it out, who knows what could happen next?
I believe just about every autistic I've met has had some kind of distinct special skill. Usually it's based on their special interest but some go above and beyond even that. Take Daniel Temmet for example an his book, Born on a Blue Day. Daniel is a mathematic prodigy and they're still trying to figure him out. He sees shapes and numbers as textures and composites. He's capable of doing fantastic problems almost instantly.
Check out Matt Savage, you won't believe it but he taught himself to play piano. A feat that famous player Al Stewart just had to see for himself. In this video he plays the compelx piece, "Year of the Cat". Check it out:
Then try Jason McElwain who has a 90% accuracy ratio in shooting baskets. This boy made the news for firing a successful 6 three pointer shots in a row. It was the last game of the season and I bet they wish they put him in sooner!
I took the Global Assessment Functioning test in Nebraska to see what my level of general function is. It came up at 40%, which is why I'm on disability. Don't let that fool you. I do have capabilities that I am working on to bypass my disabilities. I also took a test of my skills at Vocational Rehab. My strengths came up in protection jobs and writing jobs.
On the protection jobs, I have 19 years experience in working security and 6 of that was actual law enforcement with a national certification. Yes, that was in Animal Control, but let me tell you that, because of how they do it in Lincoln, I've been on everything from murder scene to drug bust. I have stories, but they'll have to come later. I've always been interested in helping and protecting others. On investigations, I became known for finding small details that led me to closing cases and finding people. Those details were overlooked by others, but seemed so much larger to me. My sensitivities to odors and even sounds gave me an edge when handling cases that could have been more questionable.
On my writing I have had a lot of wonderful comments and compliments. I am very thankful and the test showed that I had this capability. I always have, so far as I know. Mind you, I don't want to be a braggart, but if you have it use it, right? I guess this is why I've had the interest in writing stories since very young.
The one area they didn't test me on is art. I am an artist and a great deal of my work can be seen at my myspace page in photos here. Oh and here.
My son, Denver has quite a bit of skill himself. He likes to build things. He's constantly surprising me with what he can do with common cardboard. I have witnessed his excelling at this skill above all others. He makes dungeons complete with pitfalls and traps. I wouldn't be surprised if he winds up becoming an engineer like his grandfather.
Of course there's famous autistics like Bill Gates and Keaneau Reeves. You can find a long list of people either confirmed or considered autistic and all of them with their own interesting gifts. For that matter, I think that autistics should be given a chance with those gifts to do good things for their communities. For all we know, an autistic finance team could save our economy.
I know, not all autistic show a big ol gift, some never are very clear on it, but I think it's still there somewhere and if you can bring it out, who knows what could happen next?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Autism and Addiction
The truth is that anyone can wind up with an addiction. There are plenty of substances, activities, or behaviors that can become addictions. An addiction is a false need for something that consumes your time, money or both. It's something that isn't been controlled enough and is consumed or used inappropriately and too much. There are a multitude of studies out there for what kind of people are most at risk for addictions to drugs or alcohol, but what about addiction in general?
High functioning autistics are highly at risk for addiction. I'm addicted to soda. If I have a pack of coke or mountain dew in my fridge, I will fight a serious temptation to drink it all in one sitting. Can after can or bottle after bottle. I can't take the risk of drinking those anymore. I found the taste of a cold coke to be very satisfying and I loved how the carbonation felt going down my throat. For that alone, I would drink and drink and drink. If I ran out, I felt anxious to get more. That's an addiction.
So how do you separate an autistic interest or tendency from an addiction? It entirely depends on the subject matter at hand. It's still a fine line. Autistics have a tendency to have one or two interests and find it difficult to talk about anything else. If one likes cars, and it's their special subject, they will likely be able to tell you anything you do or don't want to know about cars. That, by itself, is not an addiction. Should they start buying toy cars to the point of forsaking all else, that may be an addiction. One of my tendencies is in personal and home security, but I'm not addicted to setting up my home with bars, cameras and laser eyes. It would be easy for an autistic like me to take so much interest in home security that I turn my apartment into Fort Knox.
Not only is it important to teach our children with autism to have multiple interests, but to watch what they get into so that they can maybe avoid overdoing it to that point. Trying new things is great, but we can create a monster if we don't teach moderation right along with that new experience.
High functioning autistics are highly at risk for addiction. I'm addicted to soda. If I have a pack of coke or mountain dew in my fridge, I will fight a serious temptation to drink it all in one sitting. Can after can or bottle after bottle. I can't take the risk of drinking those anymore. I found the taste of a cold coke to be very satisfying and I loved how the carbonation felt going down my throat. For that alone, I would drink and drink and drink. If I ran out, I felt anxious to get more. That's an addiction.
So how do you separate an autistic interest or tendency from an addiction? It entirely depends on the subject matter at hand. It's still a fine line. Autistics have a tendency to have one or two interests and find it difficult to talk about anything else. If one likes cars, and it's their special subject, they will likely be able to tell you anything you do or don't want to know about cars. That, by itself, is not an addiction. Should they start buying toy cars to the point of forsaking all else, that may be an addiction. One of my tendencies is in personal and home security, but I'm not addicted to setting up my home with bars, cameras and laser eyes. It would be easy for an autistic like me to take so much interest in home security that I turn my apartment into Fort Knox.
Not only is it important to teach our children with autism to have multiple interests, but to watch what they get into so that they can maybe avoid overdoing it to that point. Trying new things is great, but we can create a monster if we don't teach moderation right along with that new experience.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Raising Denver Part 7: The Present
It's taken trial and error and lot's of work, but now we have a routine. Denver is on medications to help him slow down and concentrate easier. They work for him. When making choices about meds, check out my blog on to med or not to med. We keep his routine as predictable as possible and even then he can get picky about some of the strangest things.
He used to be very picky about who read him a bedtime story or helped him get his toothbrush ready. He's a bit more accepting now. He can still be very touchy about some things, often at random. He can have a meltdown once in a while and that requires letting him hide in his blankets until it passes. Most of his fits can be stopped now with some basic behavior techniques. Before his meds, that didn't happen and we arrived late to school because of it.
As with the beginning, Denver takes his challenges head on. Currently that is the challenge of living through the divorce of his parents. He doens't fully understand why Mom doesn't live with us anymore, but he's taking it in stride. He's doing great things with his school work and I believe we have him on the path to some success.
Being an autistic Dad has given me some insight to him as well. I can relate to much of what he goes through and why. I know why he behaves in certain ways when the behaviors happen. I also know he responds best to a calm response, even if it seems he doesn't want to listen.
There's no such thing as a perfect parent and I make my share of mistakes. I correct what I can and keep going forward. Denver can trigger my autism by flashing things close up to my face so I have to turn my head away. Or he'll make one of his blaring or high pitched sounds that make me cringe. I do my best to explain what he's causing and he now knows that high pitched squeaking hurts my ears. So he comes up to me from time to time and says "squeak squeak". That earns him an explaination in how it isn't funny to do things that hurt others, even as a joke. Poking at others for their reactions is a noted Asperger's trait. Maybe because we are trying to experience the things we don't always feel.
I'm sure I trigger him as well, that's just something we have to learn about and get around. For example, if I sing a silly song at him it angers him very much. I'm not sure why really. But he hates it. Maybe I'm a really bad singer? I will say that observers have told me that we operate together really smoothly. I do try my best and I appreciate hearing that. It's quite uplifting, even if it doesn't show on my face.
Recently I was thinking of an old comic strip storyline called Lone Wolf and Cub, set in Feudal Japan. The story of a wandering samurai who's wife died and left him a child. He keeps the child with him on adventures and goes about cutting down obstacles in the form of blade wielding enemies. Through it all, he protects and raises the child. I'm no sword toting warrior, but in our world these days there's a lot to protect yourself from. When you're a single parent, you have to watch out for your child while balancing life itself. It's a challenge, especially when you're both autistic. So there is room for comparison to that old comic strip and we'll face each day, together, like Lone Wolf and Cub.
He used to be very picky about who read him a bedtime story or helped him get his toothbrush ready. He's a bit more accepting now. He can still be very touchy about some things, often at random. He can have a meltdown once in a while and that requires letting him hide in his blankets until it passes. Most of his fits can be stopped now with some basic behavior techniques. Before his meds, that didn't happen and we arrived late to school because of it.
As with the beginning, Denver takes his challenges head on. Currently that is the challenge of living through the divorce of his parents. He doens't fully understand why Mom doesn't live with us anymore, but he's taking it in stride. He's doing great things with his school work and I believe we have him on the path to some success.
Being an autistic Dad has given me some insight to him as well. I can relate to much of what he goes through and why. I know why he behaves in certain ways when the behaviors happen. I also know he responds best to a calm response, even if it seems he doesn't want to listen.
There's no such thing as a perfect parent and I make my share of mistakes. I correct what I can and keep going forward. Denver can trigger my autism by flashing things close up to my face so I have to turn my head away. Or he'll make one of his blaring or high pitched sounds that make me cringe. I do my best to explain what he's causing and he now knows that high pitched squeaking hurts my ears. So he comes up to me from time to time and says "squeak squeak". That earns him an explaination in how it isn't funny to do things that hurt others, even as a joke. Poking at others for their reactions is a noted Asperger's trait. Maybe because we are trying to experience the things we don't always feel.
I'm sure I trigger him as well, that's just something we have to learn about and get around. For example, if I sing a silly song at him it angers him very much. I'm not sure why really. But he hates it. Maybe I'm a really bad singer? I will say that observers have told me that we operate together really smoothly. I do try my best and I appreciate hearing that. It's quite uplifting, even if it doesn't show on my face.
Recently I was thinking of an old comic strip storyline called Lone Wolf and Cub, set in Feudal Japan. The story of a wandering samurai who's wife died and left him a child. He keeps the child with him on adventures and goes about cutting down obstacles in the form of blade wielding enemies. Through it all, he protects and raises the child. I'm no sword toting warrior, but in our world these days there's a lot to protect yourself from. When you're a single parent, you have to watch out for your child while balancing life itself. It's a challenge, especially when you're both autistic. So there is room for comparison to that old comic strip and we'll face each day, together, like Lone Wolf and Cub.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Raising Denver Part 6: Self Discovery
In this series, I mentioned that my diagnosis directly resulted from my son's diagnosis. This news set a series of resolved issues that changed my life.
As a child, I hated myself. I blamed myself for the abuse I received and the failings I endured in social circles from so very young. As I grew up I thought I must be some kind of chronic bad luck in human form. Nothing worked right for me, ever. When I started working jobs, I lost them or found I just couldn't handle them. I tried to go to colleges, but didn't understand what I was looking for or getting into. I was walked on, duped and scammed. I lost hope on daily basis.
In relationships I did no better. In my first marriage I had anger problems. I never hit anyone (except myself since I was still having the tourette-like self damaging seizures) but I would yell and scream in arguments when really not necessary. Everything frustrated me and I could connect through very little.
All my life, I've asked myself, "why?". Then, through a little one who had no idea he was a hero, the answer came. As I studied the effects of Asperger's syndrome on my life, with guidance and doctors assistance, I learned all the answers I could ever hope for. I can look back now and tell you exactly what made me lose jobs, become a bully and con magnet, and even lose relationships. I can do this, because now I know myself. I can now tell you just how lost a person can really be when they don't know themselves or what affects them.
For all I went through, I am still one of the lucky ones. I could have been any kind of criminal you can imagine by simply taking random paths in life as many of us do. That's how my life happened, it happened at random and with little control. Sure, I had ideas of what I wanted to be, but I had no clue how to get there. Because of that, I wound up in relationships that didn't match me. I built up colleged debts on things I would never use. Even when I joined the Army, it was on a whim. I was out of control because I had no support to teach me about my conditions and what they could to to me.
Could my life have been different? Certainly it could. I think the abuse would still have happened, but my thought processes would be with a different understanding of how I felt and saw the world around me. Now I see this as possible for all our our children who have autism, bipolar, ADD, ODD, and any of the other combinations of disorders that afflict our society in growing numbers year by year. We must teach them about themselves.
Take a child with peanut allergies. What do you think his chances in life are if he manages to somenow never learn that he has that allergy? Consider that the parents never ever eat anything that has anything to do with peanuts. Once he's on his own (I know it's virtually impossible to go through life with such an allergy and not discover it before you're five), how long will he make it in an now unprotected fashion? He can't. The same is very true for our children who grow up never understanding what is happening in their bodies from these disorders. Their lives become random and often chaotic.
So look to your children, teach them about themselves and how to control their conditions. You'll be glad you did.
As a child, I hated myself. I blamed myself for the abuse I received and the failings I endured in social circles from so very young. As I grew up I thought I must be some kind of chronic bad luck in human form. Nothing worked right for me, ever. When I started working jobs, I lost them or found I just couldn't handle them. I tried to go to colleges, but didn't understand what I was looking for or getting into. I was walked on, duped and scammed. I lost hope on daily basis.
In relationships I did no better. In my first marriage I had anger problems. I never hit anyone (except myself since I was still having the tourette-like self damaging seizures) but I would yell and scream in arguments when really not necessary. Everything frustrated me and I could connect through very little.
All my life, I've asked myself, "why?". Then, through a little one who had no idea he was a hero, the answer came. As I studied the effects of Asperger's syndrome on my life, with guidance and doctors assistance, I learned all the answers I could ever hope for. I can look back now and tell you exactly what made me lose jobs, become a bully and con magnet, and even lose relationships. I can do this, because now I know myself. I can now tell you just how lost a person can really be when they don't know themselves or what affects them.
For all I went through, I am still one of the lucky ones. I could have been any kind of criminal you can imagine by simply taking random paths in life as many of us do. That's how my life happened, it happened at random and with little control. Sure, I had ideas of what I wanted to be, but I had no clue how to get there. Because of that, I wound up in relationships that didn't match me. I built up colleged debts on things I would never use. Even when I joined the Army, it was on a whim. I was out of control because I had no support to teach me about my conditions and what they could to to me.
Could my life have been different? Certainly it could. I think the abuse would still have happened, but my thought processes would be with a different understanding of how I felt and saw the world around me. Now I see this as possible for all our our children who have autism, bipolar, ADD, ODD, and any of the other combinations of disorders that afflict our society in growing numbers year by year. We must teach them about themselves.
Take a child with peanut allergies. What do you think his chances in life are if he manages to somenow never learn that he has that allergy? Consider that the parents never ever eat anything that has anything to do with peanuts. Once he's on his own (I know it's virtually impossible to go through life with such an allergy and not discover it before you're five), how long will he make it in an now unprotected fashion? He can't. The same is very true for our children who grow up never understanding what is happening in their bodies from these disorders. Their lives become random and often chaotic.
So look to your children, teach them about themselves and how to control their conditions. You'll be glad you did.
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