Autism, Life Lessons, and Societal Interpretation

Now there's a heckuva title, right? Well, as it turns out, this lesson just hit home for us. My dear 13 year old son is dealing with a life lesson on being caught stealing (or at least looking like he was stealing).

First let me explain something. My son has two therapists who work with him and other kids at his school. It's very helpful and he is getting more and more independent every month. One of the incentives the kids get for doing well and being respectful is a small piece of candy. Hershey's kisses or other single wrapped items are usually what is given. Please spare me any nastiness over giving food as rewards as it is only one of many incentives and the system has been very successful for him.

Now for what happened:

Over the last week, candy has been disappearing from the reward box it is kept in. On Monday, my son was caught in the room with the box in his hands. He hadn't taken anything yet, but that really doesn't matter in a situation like this. He's not being held accountable for past missing candies because no one saw him take those. But he has lost the ability to gain that incentive for the next two weeks. The primary points he needed to understand were that he was in a room he didn't belong in and had the box in his hands.

His explanation, no surprise, would make a defense attorney blush. My son is mastering semantics when it comes to trying to squeak out of trouble or get out of doing something. So I realized that this was a prime opportunity to teach him about how his actions can be interpreted and how that can shape everything.

It wasn't his "intent" to steal anything. He thought he had earned the rewards and went and got the box down to "wait for" the person he would get the reward from. Never mind that he's not supposed to do that. He's supposed to go to his next class and if there's a reward for him, it will be dealt with. It always is. So I explained it to him like this:

If it looks like you are stealing something, then it will be assumed that you are stealing something.

Intent doesn't matter when it comes to what people see. Especially when you are somewhere you don't belong. But even if you do belong, how the viewing public interprets your actions can make or break your day. How many of our kids have crossed paths with the law merely because no one understood what was happening with their subject behavior? Arguably, the number is pretty high. There are media stories of autistic kids getting handcuffed or tazed because of their reactions or badly interpreted behavior.

I picked up a poker chip from my desk area (no I don't gamble) and showed it to my son.

"Imagine that this is a piece of candy." I said and then I put it in my pocket. "What does it look like I just did, if I do this before going to to the register?"

"Stealing." He didn't miss a beat. He understood right away and I saw the light come on. I explained how that understanding is very much the same as finding him in a room he wasn't supposed to be in, holding the box of candy in his hands.

Now, he doesn't like the consequences and some people may not think they are fair. I say they are much more appealing than learning this lesson with a trip to jail or marks on a permanent record. It's better to learn how the public reacts to various behaviors now than when they are in the middle of a crowd somewhere.

Before I go, I'll leave you with one tool that can help your child understand how important public behavior can be for certain things. That tool is Youtube. I show my son videos, ask him what he thinks of what people are doing, and we discuss it. Don't be afraid to discuss it with your kids. You may save them more than just embarrassment.

Reader Request: Coping with Autism as an Adult

Being an adult with autism is a challenging issue in today's society. This is because support systems have an annoying tendency to drop off once you are 21 or 22 years of age (varies by location). At least while developing as a teen, there were counselors and hopefully support systems. Making adult decisions isn't easy.

I was diagnosed at age 35-36 when my son was diagnosed around age 3. His diagnosis brought about memories from my childhood. So what I tell you today comes from my baptism by fire. Since no one knew I needed help, I floundered and lived at random. Now that I have a few years under my belt I believe I can offer some advice on how to live with autism as a grown up. Keep in mind, this is for high functioning persons who are striking out on their own.

1: Never forget you have autism. Not like it will ever let you forget it, but you'd be amazed at how you can forget this when misunderstandings happen. You live with a form of social blindness and will miss various adult social cues. This can cause you to butt heads with people. It's not your fault and not theirs, but remembering that your condition may have tricked you can lead you to a resolution faster than not.

2: Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't help the situation. You have to learn how to live with the fact that these things happen. They aren't the end of the world. The more you accept yourself, the more other people will accept you. So give yourself a break when a misunderstanding happens. They are really a part of life and everyone else has them too.

3: Take things slow. Don't let anyone rush you when you are trying to figure out what is going on. If a misunderstanding happens, that's the best time to take a deep breath and rethink the situation. If someone gets irate with you, tell them calmly that you are trying to understand the situation. Don't rush in earning friends either. Take everything slow. Yes, the autistic mind wants to live at 1000 miles an hour. You will have to practice at slowing down.

4: Know your limits. You've always had them. If you are still at risk of meltdowns, you need to have your living space set up with a safe place to retreat to. You must do everything you can not to have meltdowns in public. I know how hard that sounds. Sometimes, you just need to play an escape route if things get too intense for you. Meltdowns in public wind up involving police who are often less than understanding. So you must have plans of action for your own conditions. That being said;

5: Don't seal yourself away. Becoming a hermit is tempting, but you starve yourself socially. That's a good way to drop into depression and make yourself worse. You must practice dealing with the world to get better at it. Get out there and see the world. Find social places that you can deal with.

6: Don't expect acceptance from everyone. There are a lot of jerks out there and you must dismiss them from your life. This goes for jobs and dating too. If someone can't be decent to you, you don't need them. That's no matter how lonely you feel. If an employer doesn't want to hire you, let it go and go somewhere else. If some group of people can't accept you, go somewhere else.

7: Believe in yourself! You are a worthwhile person. Find those good qualities in yourself and decide that you don't absolutely need anyone but you. The rest will fall into place.

8: You are not autism. Finally, it comes to this. You have autism. It is an aspect of who you are, but not the sum of who you are. With practice, yes practice, you will triumph over life's challenges and you can live a decent life. Not because of autism, but because of all of who you are.

Take it one day at at time. Find a support group or even form one to share life's challenges. In truth, a list like this could go on forever. There is so much to learn and experience in life and so many things that can happen. You just have to take them one at a time. Remind yourself of that. One at a time.

I have many reader requests at this time, but feel free to post your own in comments. Also, do you have a tip for this list? Post it in comments and thanks!