Autism, Life Lessons, and Societal Interpretation

Now there's a heckuva title, right? Well, as it turns out, this lesson just hit home for us. My dear 13 year old son is dealing with a life lesson on being caught stealing (or at least looking like he was stealing).

First let me explain something. My son has two therapists who work with him and other kids at his school. It's very helpful and he is getting more and more independent every month. One of the incentives the kids get for doing well and being respectful is a small piece of candy. Hershey's kisses or other single wrapped items are usually what is given. Please spare me any nastiness over giving food as rewards as it is only one of many incentives and the system has been very successful for him.

Now for what happened:

Over the last week, candy has been disappearing from the reward box it is kept in. On Monday, my son was caught in the room with the box in his hands. He hadn't taken anything yet, but that really doesn't matter in a situation like this. He's not being held accountable for past missing candies because no one saw him take those. But he has lost the ability to gain that incentive for the next two weeks. The primary points he needed to understand were that he was in a room he didn't belong in and had the box in his hands.

His explanation, no surprise, would make a defense attorney blush. My son is mastering semantics when it comes to trying to squeak out of trouble or get out of doing something. So I realized that this was a prime opportunity to teach him about how his actions can be interpreted and how that can shape everything.

It wasn't his "intent" to steal anything. He thought he had earned the rewards and went and got the box down to "wait for" the person he would get the reward from. Never mind that he's not supposed to do that. He's supposed to go to his next class and if there's a reward for him, it will be dealt with. It always is. So I explained it to him like this:

If it looks like you are stealing something, then it will be assumed that you are stealing something.

Intent doesn't matter when it comes to what people see. Especially when you are somewhere you don't belong. But even if you do belong, how the viewing public interprets your actions can make or break your day. How many of our kids have crossed paths with the law merely because no one understood what was happening with their subject behavior? Arguably, the number is pretty high. There are media stories of autistic kids getting handcuffed or tazed because of their reactions or badly interpreted behavior.

I picked up a poker chip from my desk area (no I don't gamble) and showed it to my son.

"Imagine that this is a piece of candy." I said and then I put it in my pocket. "What does it look like I just did, if I do this before going to to the register?"

"Stealing." He didn't miss a beat. He understood right away and I saw the light come on. I explained how that understanding is very much the same as finding him in a room he wasn't supposed to be in, holding the box of candy in his hands.

Now, he doesn't like the consequences and some people may not think they are fair. I say they are much more appealing than learning this lesson with a trip to jail or marks on a permanent record. It's better to learn how the public reacts to various behaviors now than when they are in the middle of a crowd somewhere.

Before I go, I'll leave you with one tool that can help your child understand how important public behavior can be for certain things. That tool is Youtube. I show my son videos, ask him what he thinks of what people are doing, and we discuss it. Don't be afraid to discuss it with your kids. You may save them more than just embarrassment.

Is it puberty mixed with Asperger's or something worse?

Seriously, I don't know.

Last summer, my had a friend we will call L. They were inseparable and he wanted to play with her more than anyone else he ever met. Sadly, L lived a life that was unstable. She moved away at the end of last summer quite suddenly. The results were catastrophic. Today, I got a severe glimpse of just how much.

A terrible school year didn't help him at all and there was so much to deal with; we couldn't give enough attention to one underlying problem. Today, my son told me he has no true friends and never will. Think about that for a second.

On top of that, he's taken to talking to an imaginary form of her. He just told me he dreams about her every night and it wakes him up. Then he burst into tears.

So, he's created an imaginary friend, that has everyone thinking he's hearing voices that aren't there. He's obsessing over a girl who moved away almost a year ago. And what's sadder yet; he's right. He has no true friends on this block. He has no one that he feels wants to play with him.

Every day, he goes to houses down the block and wants to play with the other kids. He gets the brush off and he knows it. How must that kind of rejection feel? What he showed me today, just how much he's suffering. Now, what do I do about it?

We're on the lookout for summer programs, but once those end, what next? My son needs a friend. He just wants someone he can get silly with, play games with, talk video games with.

Today, the bottled emotions blew. Now what do I do?

Autism and learning social skills

A wonderful question was posed to me recently from Lisa on Facebook who said:

"You mentioned that folks on the Autism Spectrum are affected by autistic blindness and do not necessarily do well at recognizing other folks' feelings and needs. Do you have some specific suggestions about how to be autistically un-blind?"

That got me thinking and I have a few ideas. Maybe some of you helpful readers could add your own in comments? Comments are moderated for being family friendly.

I've written on teaching out kids social skills, but I hadn't really thought about helping those of us who are adults today. We didn't have the same supports that are there for our kids today. It's a different world.

So what are some key and important things to know about socializing that help us recognize how others are feeling? As I go over these, the key is being able to add them together to get an accurate feel for the other persons attitude. This takes, practice, practice, practice. So try not to get discouraged. Also, click on images for larger view.

Facial expressions: While they are inconsistent in the autistic world, in a typical person they can tell you alot about how someone is feeling. Expression works best in the eyes (something that may be intense for you in the first place, I know). Other telling features are the eyebrows and mouth. Tightly shut mouth (pressing lips together hard) and furrowed (v shaped) brow suggests agitation or tension. Not necessarily anger, but could head that way. Raised eyebrows show interest. Tight lipped and avoiding eye contact (looking at the ground or off into the distance) could mean being emotionally upset. Smiles can be tricky. Usually they mean amusement or just having a good day. Maybe glad to see you? Sometimes it means they're nervous. Confused? This is where the next area comes in.

Body language: The positions people hold their bodies in as they interact are very telling of how they are feeling. When it comes to smiling, as above, this is particularly helpful. So lets break down body language.

Head: Tilted to one side is curiosity or interest. It can also be silliness if the person is acting out with wide gestures and strange facial expressions. Tilted forward (with eyes looking up at you) is a "get down to business" expression. It means they want you to get to the point of what you are talking about. Tilted back and looking down their nose at you is of interest but scrutinizing. This isn't necessarily unfriendly, but the person is likely reserved on what they are thinking. I should mention that the "down the nose" look is commonplace with street gangs. You can tell them by their clothing most times. It's more pronounced with them though. In average people it's more relaxed. You can google pics of expressions which I highly suggest for practice.

Shoulders: Drooping down means boredom (especially with the head tilt and a curved lip) or frustration. It also signifies depression or sadness. Generally it's not a positive thing. Held upward and level is a sign of confidence and alertness. These area extremes and mid ground is possible.

Arms: A big "tell" is crossed arms. This usually suggests that they don't want their personal space invaded. It's a matter of personal security and may signify discomfort. If they back away, draw clothing around them tighter, cross arms (the tighter the more you should give them space) then they are uncomfortable. Don't close in on this person. I'll get to personal space in a bit. Arms just hanging at the sides or in pockets is casual and relaxed. Movement of arms can tell a lot too. Wide sweeping gestures with raised voice and agitated expression may be something to stay back from. That person is likely upset.

Hand: Watch for clenched fists. This is the fastest way to tell if someone is agitated enough for you to steer clear. You don't have to run for the hills, but something is upsetting this person severely. They may be traumatized (watch for crying, shaking shoulders, and trembling in arms) or angry (watch for gritted teeth, v shaped brow with similar trembling). Hands that just tremble may be from a medical condition and not something alarming by itself depending on the person.

Legs: While sitting, crossed legs is very similar to crossed arms, though not as dependable because a lot of people sit this way. Both crossed legs and arms is almost definitely a security issue. They don't want you that close to them (or maybe anyone else either). While standing, shuffling feet around a lot could be a sign of agitation or just being antsy and having a hard time standing still. They may be in a rush to go do something else. Be careful not to stare at peoples legs, especially in the region of the waist line/torso. Guys, that is especially important for you. It makes people uncomfortable.

Note that there is no perfect way to recognize what people are feeling. With practice you can be right 7 or 8 times out of ten. Don't be discouraged if you don't see it all right away.

Now for some pointers on interaction.

When you approach someone, if they back away, do not close in. They are telling you how close they want you to be by backing away. Give them their space.

Be careful of staring too much at a person. If you are going to hold your eyes anywhere, look at their nose and cheeks (if not the eyes). Veer away casually from time to time as if just noting your surroundings.

If a person is nodding while listening to you, you are generally okay in your position. They are interested in what you are saying. Or they're just playing along, hard to tell sometimes. You may be able to tell by adding in other factors as above. Are they constantly looking away other places and shifting around? They may want to be somewhere else.

In closing tips, study facial expressions. Lots of pictures are here on the internet that you can find and look at faces. Same to be said for body language. The more you look and learn, the better you can interact. There is no perfect way, but remember to give people personal space and try to relax.

For personal space when facing someone, imagine the length of your arm, that is how far away you should stop (and don't approach fast, that startles people). Standing next to someone (unless in a crowded place) can be half that distance, but should be full length in most open areas.

Hopefully this information will help some of you out there in recognizing how others are feeling or reacting. Remember; practice, practice, practice. Never give up.

Good resources: Internet, or check out books on facial expressions for artists! Same for body language.

Could Asperger's kids fake behaviors?

It's important to remember that our children with Asperger's are just that, children. They will grow and learn a variety of behaviors just like any other children will. What can start to get difficult is keeping track of an Asperger's behavior and a "naughty child" behavior. It appears there can be a thin gray line.

So, how do you know when you are dealing with an "aspie" behavior or some "faked" behavior to get away with something?

The first thing is to know your child and how they react. Children with Asperger's are often honest to a fault. At times when my son thought it was funny to try and irritate me, he came right out and said so. It was his honest feeling that such was a funny thing to try and do. That stands as a direct example of how they can get inappropriate social ideas that can and will get them into trouble.

When my son tries to get out of something, he makes up terrible excuses that he believes will get him out of what ever situation he's trying to escape. He will claim that something is "too much" for him, but his reactions will give him away. I know his behaviors and the difference between the excuses and actually getting out of hand.

The bottom line is that we, as parents, stick to our proverbial guns in what we expect. It may take more time and patience, but we set the rules and stick by them. Discipline will not always work in the method of "justice like lightning" and they may require a warning shot first to remind them of where they need to be in behavior. That means that they are informed of what they are doing wrong and given a chance to correct it with consequences fully stated. Information does need to be clear and direct. Also, don't state a consequence you don't intend to deliver.

Finally, our children on the spectrum have to know that just because they have a condition, does not mean they are immune to rules that everyone else has to follow. It's a tricky path, but our kids count on use to teach them so that they have a chance out in the adult world when they get there.

Inappropriate social behaviors

Having difficulties with social interaction can be such a double edged sword. On one side they may be withdrawn and solitary. They may not try to play with other children. They may even claim they don't want to. It's not easy feeling awkward all the time.

But what about the other side of that? The ones who go too far in social interaction because of the intense desire to try and be part of things going on? They may try too hard and push people away or engage in invasive or obnoxious behavior. They may climb all over strangers (as my son did).

My son loves explosions and thinks everything has to explode. Before his meds kick in each day, he's deep in fantasy and can be very loud. Even still, he may run up and "explode" right in someone's face. "BOOM!" "PKOW!" "I'm a bomb!" His meds help him slow down and consider his behavior before he does it and school has been a big help with their support. But you can see how this invasive behavior would drive people away or make them think negatively of a child.

Another angle is inappropriate humor. Humor is a touchy thing socially and handled wrong will cause all sorts of problems. Our kids see humor used and try to do so themselves. Many will just do what they think is funny regardless of the reality. Parents and other kids will find this aggravating and it will bring about a long scale of problems. It could invite negative behavior from other children, even bullying. This is where knowledge about what your child is doing could be helpful. Teachers and probably some students need to know that the real problem is not knowing proper humor. That way, they can give feedback to the autistic child that's helpful rather than hurtful. "That's not funny and I don't appreciate it." Direct social feedback that's important for our children to learn the consequences of their behaviors.

Some may even think that triggering anger and frustration is funny. My son tries very hard to trigger my own autistic senses in the mornings. He finds getting reactions out of others or at least me, to be quite funny. Well, it's funny until he earns a consequence and goes to time out, then it's not funny anymore. Where has he learned that? It's likely he's come across other children who taunt for the same reasons, to see reactions in others.

So, learning to be proper in social circles is a daunting and complicated task. It requires great patience, time and constant support. Yes, there are times I feel like I have to shout because my poor ears are ringing from what ever sound he's droning for attention. On some, he just doesn't get the attention, on others consequences are necessary for learning. Good luck in your social teaching endeavors.

Looking ahead and concerns for our youth

Sometimes I find myself thinking about all the monsters out there in our society. I find myself realizing that I must teach my son to defend himself against them. It's a very complex mode of thoughts.

If I were only talking about physical altercations with school/work bullies or some mugger somewhere, it would be simpler. If I were only talking about stranger danger, it would be fairly concrete. But no, it goes much deeper than that. It can also get far more convoluted.

There are many kinds of human monsters out there and the ways they will seek to do damage are as diverse anything we know. Some of them victimize for possibilities of money, others for some perverted pleasure. It reminds me of one of the types of bullying I had to live with. There was no defense against it and it worked very very well.

It was done by some very good acting and sounded very convincing. Once I was sitting by the projector in class as the teacher was talking. One student piped up and said, "David, leave the projector alone". He sounded convincing and the teacher bought it. They already thought of me as a "problem child" so it was easy to get me into trouble. I was thrown out of class without touching the projector or anything near it. The boy thought it was outright hilarious.

False accusations and other ways of being used are things I fear for my kids. Our kids on the spectrum are reported to having trouble with areas of trust and even being too trusting, or gullible. Unfortunately, this is one fire that has to teach it's heat in it's own way on many levels. You can't teach them to watch out for everyone and everything. You can only do your best to teach good decision making. Teach that if something seems wrong, don't do it. Even that won't protect them from someone who will prey on their good intentions.

It's also sad, that onlookers will take this little act at face value and leave the victim hanging for it. That we haven't learned in our society by now, too look deeper than the surface of what's happening. That is how innocent people get smeared and marked because others don't stop to look at the details that matter. That's why we are all supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. But that doesn't seem to apply to general society. Something that needs to change.

Until it does, I will have to do what I can to help my son prepare for the predators out there. They never stop coming. I'm still a target and I'm forty. It's a very sobering fact. So, as you walk around out there today, try to take notice of the underlying details. Ask yourself what all the possibilities could be. Just to see what you can come up with. And try not to take that person you saw, or how someone else marked them, at face value. If it really matters, seek out the truth for yourself.

Picture of Nelson Muntz property of FOX.

How important is play?

As I said in my last two blog posts, playtime and games can be and are very good for social learning and development. But just how important is play? A local friend of mine who runs the Gameboard here in Sheboygan, has been collecting a great deal of data and shared it with me. I found these links very interesting and I'm sure you will too.

Carnegie Mellon University: (click the name) In 2007 they conducted a study of children playing games and the effect on their education. A quote from the abstract: Theoretical analyses of the development of numerical representations suggest that
playing linear number board games should enhance young children’s numerical knowledge. Consistent with this prediction, playing such a game for roughly one hour increased low-income preschoolers’ (mean age 5.4 years) proficiency on four diverse numerical tasks: numerical magnitude comparison, number line estimation, counting, and numeral identification. The gains remained nine weeks later. Classmates who played an identical game, except for the squares varying in color rather than number, did not improve on any measure. Also as predicted, home experience playing number board games correlated positively with numerical knowledge. Thus,
playing number board games with children from low-income backgrounds may increase their numerical knowledge at the outset of school.

They found that practicing number games did increase mathematical progress of the students.

The Board Game Studies Association: They devote themselves to the study of board games throughout the world. Check out their site by clicking on the name.

Games for Educators: Has helpful articles on the importance of games in the classroom and elsewhere. The site really speaks for itself with in depth information, game finders, and a forum. To really learn the impact of games and their importance, browse this site!

Dr. Stuart Brown: Tells us in the video on the link about how play affects psychology. A very interesting and informative video.

With respect to my friend, I still haven't gotten through all the information she gave me. But I wanted to get this out here because it's important and supportive information to the use of games. For great places to find games be sure to check out the blog I wrote just before this one!

Photo: My son and one of his cardboard cities. How do you think organized game play works for him?

Where to get great games

As a follow up to my last blog about games helping with social skills, I want to touch base on where to get some great games. I want to challenge you also, to expand your horizons and imagination.

To find games, it's true you can go to Walmart, Target or Shopko, but I want you to try another route. In doing this, you will find a selection of games not available at the giant department stores. You will find new games and well worth your time for about the same amount of money.

I want you to check out the local hobby game store. You can find them in your area in the yellow pages under "collectibles", "games" or even "toys" or "comics". In my area there is a store called The Gameboard that sells a wide array of board games to include many educational types.

These are the small business shops and family owned places that you might not know are there. Maybe you've seen them and always meant to check them out? Well, I'm telling you, you should. As I said above, they have access to games the other places done. Educational and imaginative ways of play you haven't considered. Let me give you the names of just a few of these games:

Flip 4 by Mindware games combines strategy and math in an easy to learn format. Click on Mindware for the website.

Yamslam by Blue Orange Games is a dice strategy game with chips, check out the site!

Amuse Amaze by HL Games is a spelling word game that takes you through, yes, a maze. Check it out.

Word on the Street by Out of the Box games (who also makes Apples to Apples) is a word game that you can kind of play tug of war with (verbally).

Zooloretto by Rio Grande Games is about building a zoo and attracting the most visitors.

7 Ate 9 by Out of the Box Games is a card game of math skill.

Other companies to look up are Days of Wonder, Educational Insight, Playroom Entertainment, and Game Wright.

Don't have a hobby store near you? You can order online too. Check out fairs and conventions. Don't limit yourself. And yes, I am saying to support your local hobby and game store.

In my next posting I will be talking about just how important play is to our kids. You won't want to miss it.

Social gaming builds social skills

As an avid gamer with a vast personal library, I know the benefits of playing games with friends. Social games help to build social interaction skills in our kids. As you can probably tell, that could be very helpful for our kids on the autism spectrum.

Autism carries a delay in development of social skills that can become permanent impairments if not supported early. Some impairments will always be there, but many can be learned around with practice in social skills. One fun way to practice? You guessed it, social games.

Card games, board games, any that cause you to be face to face, interacting with another human being have great social value. They require interaction to play and stimulate conversation. There is a wide variety of great games out there for all ages. Varieties allow you to find game types that work best for your child. Educational games can be pointed out or suggested by your child's teacher or counselor if you need input.

I'm going to suggest one in particular that my son and I collect together. It gives us great Father/son time as we compare pieces that we collect and build teams and armies to pit against each other in competition. The game is called Heroclix. It's a tabletop game played on a map with small figurines of comic book characters. Surely you've heard of Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the X-men? At least from the movies, no doubt. Figures come in booster packs with five randomly assorted pieces in each. It's always a surprise what you will get and rare figures have value. A booster pack isn't cheap though at around 11 dollars each. The benefits of this game other than a fun time? Sportsmanship, map reading skills, math, and strategy all go hand in hand with the social skills and communication skills that you use in play. Playing Heroclix in 2nd grade really boosted my son's math skills. Now he plays mock battles between good guys and bad guys on his own, rolling dice and adding numbers, comparing numbers, etc. No scratch paper. It's all mental math at two digit numbers that I've never seen go higher than 26 in standard play. You can buy Heroclix online or at local hobby and game stores. Many comic book shops carry it too.

Other great games include Ticket to Ride (building railways in the historic 1800s), Apples to Apples (word game), and there's always the classics like Scrabble, Boggle, Sorry, and Yahtzee. Sorry is a great game for teaching good sportsmanship. You have to learn to accept that the game sends you back to start a lot. How to accept losing and winning gracefully with good manners; all great social skills and important for growing up.

Involve your child in social games. Start a game night or gaming club with school friends or family (or both!). Definitely check out Heroclix (yeah I'm biased). I think there should be more Heroclix players, what can I say?

(Photo is of a custom figure I made combining Superman with the Silver Surfer- not available in booster packs)

What does understanding mean for us?

What is it that we really want from the general community? Acceptance? Understanding? Equality? I think, in one way or another, all of those apply. I think, however, that understanding is the most important because it leads to the rest.

People who don't understand have come back with comments like:

"Why should you get special treatment?" and "Just get over it." or "You look normal to me." These are dismissive statements and I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like them. They belittle my struggles and those of my son. These are the same kind of people who would see a melt down or odd reaction from one of us and call us "weirdo" or "strange" or "psycho". That is where the education is needed. That is the understanding that I would like to see corrected. Understanding means some of these people stop labeling us and creating stigma in the community.

Stigma in the community makes outcasts out of innocent people. It makes it hard to get jobs. It makes it hard to walk down the street with any dignity. It's degrading and wrong.

And why are any of us so sensitive to this acceptance? I think it's because our difficulties make us sensitive to it. When things don't come out they way I intend them to in conversation or what ever social issue, I cringe and it's usually too late to do anything about it. When I have one of my sensory issues, well, I've had a careless stranger outright call me a wimp. He looked like a jerk to everyone but I really wished I didn't have that sensitivity.

So what are important things to know when someone says, "I have autism"?

-No matter how normal I seem, there are times I won't be.
-It doesn't make me dangerous.
-My reactions won't always match given situations.
-I will miss social cues and facial expressions.
-My "strangeness" should be taken with a grain of salt and I should not be an outcast for it.
-There are things I cannot tolerate because my sensory input doesn't work right.
-There is a person in here, get to know him before you judge him.

And for kids:

-Odd behavior does not equal dangerous behavior(to others anyway- there are exceptions).
-Same sensitivities and reactions as above.
-Autism is not retardation. It is possible to have both, but it is not the case in every person.

I think people should know that the person trapped within can hear them. I grew up being called "that effed up kid". I remember the people who said that about me and it didn't feel good. So what we really want is to be understood because that would allow us to work easier with the world around us. We're different and interact with the world around us the way our senses lead us. We can't control how we are wired.

I'm sure there are many things that can be added to this list above. Feel free to add them in comments.

Socially Stumbling

It always feels good to have someone tell me they think I'm doing really well in socializing and talking. It tells me that I'm doing something right. I just wish it "felt" right more often.

I love to talk to people and had a very nice conversation today. We talked about business and schools. It was a nice social chat. I always enjoy those. Then there comes a point when you have to go on your way and sometimes I am so very clumsy at that particular point in the conversation. At least I feel clumsy.

I see in my mind that when you finish a conversation with someone you say "bye" or whatnot and then make your exit. For some reason, I sometimes stammer on this and almost freeze in place. Then I feel awkward but try to just carry on as I was supposed to. At some point I jar myself loose and I'm on my way.

Suffice to say, having autism can make you socially clumsy and there's little you can do but practice, practice, practice. Still this happens to me more than I care for.

In the end of it though, it's more important that I not let it hold me back and keep on going forward. What else can I do right? And I need to show my son, that when you have a "hiccup" in life, you just have to keep on doing what you do. Keep trying.

I haven't written in some time because I've been really busy with other aspects of my writing. Maybe I'll have cool news to share as I try to break into the sci fi/fantasy genre. Till next time!