Autism, Life Lessons, and Societal Interpretation

Now there's a heckuva title, right? Well, as it turns out, this lesson just hit home for us. My dear 13 year old son is dealing with a life lesson on being caught stealing (or at least looking like he was stealing).

First let me explain something. My son has two therapists who work with him and other kids at his school. It's very helpful and he is getting more and more independent every month. One of the incentives the kids get for doing well and being respectful is a small piece of candy. Hershey's kisses or other single wrapped items are usually what is given. Please spare me any nastiness over giving food as rewards as it is only one of many incentives and the system has been very successful for him.

Now for what happened:

Over the last week, candy has been disappearing from the reward box it is kept in. On Monday, my son was caught in the room with the box in his hands. He hadn't taken anything yet, but that really doesn't matter in a situation like this. He's not being held accountable for past missing candies because no one saw him take those. But he has lost the ability to gain that incentive for the next two weeks. The primary points he needed to understand were that he was in a room he didn't belong in and had the box in his hands.

His explanation, no surprise, would make a defense attorney blush. My son is mastering semantics when it comes to trying to squeak out of trouble or get out of doing something. So I realized that this was a prime opportunity to teach him about how his actions can be interpreted and how that can shape everything.

It wasn't his "intent" to steal anything. He thought he had earned the rewards and went and got the box down to "wait for" the person he would get the reward from. Never mind that he's not supposed to do that. He's supposed to go to his next class and if there's a reward for him, it will be dealt with. It always is. So I explained it to him like this:

If it looks like you are stealing something, then it will be assumed that you are stealing something.

Intent doesn't matter when it comes to what people see. Especially when you are somewhere you don't belong. But even if you do belong, how the viewing public interprets your actions can make or break your day. How many of our kids have crossed paths with the law merely because no one understood what was happening with their subject behavior? Arguably, the number is pretty high. There are media stories of autistic kids getting handcuffed or tazed because of their reactions or badly interpreted behavior.

I picked up a poker chip from my desk area (no I don't gamble) and showed it to my son.

"Imagine that this is a piece of candy." I said and then I put it in my pocket. "What does it look like I just did, if I do this before going to to the register?"

"Stealing." He didn't miss a beat. He understood right away and I saw the light come on. I explained how that understanding is very much the same as finding him in a room he wasn't supposed to be in, holding the box of candy in his hands.

Now, he doesn't like the consequences and some people may not think they are fair. I say they are much more appealing than learning this lesson with a trip to jail or marks on a permanent record. It's better to learn how the public reacts to various behaviors now than when they are in the middle of a crowd somewhere.

Before I go, I'll leave you with one tool that can help your child understand how important public behavior can be for certain things. That tool is Youtube. I show my son videos, ask him what he thinks of what people are doing, and we discuss it. Don't be afraid to discuss it with your kids. You may save them more than just embarrassment.

Autism and learning social skills

A wonderful question was posed to me recently from Lisa on Facebook who said:

"You mentioned that folks on the Autism Spectrum are affected by autistic blindness and do not necessarily do well at recognizing other folks' feelings and needs. Do you have some specific suggestions about how to be autistically un-blind?"

That got me thinking and I have a few ideas. Maybe some of you helpful readers could add your own in comments? Comments are moderated for being family friendly.

I've written on teaching out kids social skills, but I hadn't really thought about helping those of us who are adults today. We didn't have the same supports that are there for our kids today. It's a different world.

So what are some key and important things to know about socializing that help us recognize how others are feeling? As I go over these, the key is being able to add them together to get an accurate feel for the other persons attitude. This takes, practice, practice, practice. So try not to get discouraged. Also, click on images for larger view.

Facial expressions: While they are inconsistent in the autistic world, in a typical person they can tell you alot about how someone is feeling. Expression works best in the eyes (something that may be intense for you in the first place, I know). Other telling features are the eyebrows and mouth. Tightly shut mouth (pressing lips together hard) and furrowed (v shaped) brow suggests agitation or tension. Not necessarily anger, but could head that way. Raised eyebrows show interest. Tight lipped and avoiding eye contact (looking at the ground or off into the distance) could mean being emotionally upset. Smiles can be tricky. Usually they mean amusement or just having a good day. Maybe glad to see you? Sometimes it means they're nervous. Confused? This is where the next area comes in.

Body language: The positions people hold their bodies in as they interact are very telling of how they are feeling. When it comes to smiling, as above, this is particularly helpful. So lets break down body language.

Head: Tilted to one side is curiosity or interest. It can also be silliness if the person is acting out with wide gestures and strange facial expressions. Tilted forward (with eyes looking up at you) is a "get down to business" expression. It means they want you to get to the point of what you are talking about. Tilted back and looking down their nose at you is of interest but scrutinizing. This isn't necessarily unfriendly, but the person is likely reserved on what they are thinking. I should mention that the "down the nose" look is commonplace with street gangs. You can tell them by their clothing most times. It's more pronounced with them though. In average people it's more relaxed. You can google pics of expressions which I highly suggest for practice.

Shoulders: Drooping down means boredom (especially with the head tilt and a curved lip) or frustration. It also signifies depression or sadness. Generally it's not a positive thing. Held upward and level is a sign of confidence and alertness. These area extremes and mid ground is possible.

Arms: A big "tell" is crossed arms. This usually suggests that they don't want their personal space invaded. It's a matter of personal security and may signify discomfort. If they back away, draw clothing around them tighter, cross arms (the tighter the more you should give them space) then they are uncomfortable. Don't close in on this person. I'll get to personal space in a bit. Arms just hanging at the sides or in pockets is casual and relaxed. Movement of arms can tell a lot too. Wide sweeping gestures with raised voice and agitated expression may be something to stay back from. That person is likely upset.

Hand: Watch for clenched fists. This is the fastest way to tell if someone is agitated enough for you to steer clear. You don't have to run for the hills, but something is upsetting this person severely. They may be traumatized (watch for crying, shaking shoulders, and trembling in arms) or angry (watch for gritted teeth, v shaped brow with similar trembling). Hands that just tremble may be from a medical condition and not something alarming by itself depending on the person.

Legs: While sitting, crossed legs is very similar to crossed arms, though not as dependable because a lot of people sit this way. Both crossed legs and arms is almost definitely a security issue. They don't want you that close to them (or maybe anyone else either). While standing, shuffling feet around a lot could be a sign of agitation or just being antsy and having a hard time standing still. They may be in a rush to go do something else. Be careful not to stare at peoples legs, especially in the region of the waist line/torso. Guys, that is especially important for you. It makes people uncomfortable.

Note that there is no perfect way to recognize what people are feeling. With practice you can be right 7 or 8 times out of ten. Don't be discouraged if you don't see it all right away.

Now for some pointers on interaction.

When you approach someone, if they back away, do not close in. They are telling you how close they want you to be by backing away. Give them their space.

Be careful of staring too much at a person. If you are going to hold your eyes anywhere, look at their nose and cheeks (if not the eyes). Veer away casually from time to time as if just noting your surroundings.

If a person is nodding while listening to you, you are generally okay in your position. They are interested in what you are saying. Or they're just playing along, hard to tell sometimes. You may be able to tell by adding in other factors as above. Are they constantly looking away other places and shifting around? They may want to be somewhere else.

In closing tips, study facial expressions. Lots of pictures are here on the internet that you can find and look at faces. Same to be said for body language. The more you look and learn, the better you can interact. There is no perfect way, but remember to give people personal space and try to relax.

For personal space when facing someone, imagine the length of your arm, that is how far away you should stop (and don't approach fast, that startles people). Standing next to someone (unless in a crowded place) can be half that distance, but should be full length in most open areas.

Hopefully this information will help some of you out there in recognizing how others are feeling or reacting. Remember; practice, practice, practice. Never give up.

Good resources: Internet, or check out books on facial expressions for artists! Same for body language.

Could Asperger's kids fake behaviors?

It's important to remember that our children with Asperger's are just that, children. They will grow and learn a variety of behaviors just like any other children will. What can start to get difficult is keeping track of an Asperger's behavior and a "naughty child" behavior. It appears there can be a thin gray line.

So, how do you know when you are dealing with an "aspie" behavior or some "faked" behavior to get away with something?

The first thing is to know your child and how they react. Children with Asperger's are often honest to a fault. At times when my son thought it was funny to try and irritate me, he came right out and said so. It was his honest feeling that such was a funny thing to try and do. That stands as a direct example of how they can get inappropriate social ideas that can and will get them into trouble.

When my son tries to get out of something, he makes up terrible excuses that he believes will get him out of what ever situation he's trying to escape. He will claim that something is "too much" for him, but his reactions will give him away. I know his behaviors and the difference between the excuses and actually getting out of hand.

The bottom line is that we, as parents, stick to our proverbial guns in what we expect. It may take more time and patience, but we set the rules and stick by them. Discipline will not always work in the method of "justice like lightning" and they may require a warning shot first to remind them of where they need to be in behavior. That means that they are informed of what they are doing wrong and given a chance to correct it with consequences fully stated. Information does need to be clear and direct. Also, don't state a consequence you don't intend to deliver.

Finally, our children on the spectrum have to know that just because they have a condition, does not mean they are immune to rules that everyone else has to follow. It's a tricky path, but our kids count on use to teach them so that they have a chance out in the adult world when they get there.

He thought he was in trouble...

This morning my son came to me after getting dressed for his day with something he ached to tell me. He said it like he was confessing some dire crime and expected that he would be punished in some way. This happens once in a great while and I attribute it to the confusion we face in social settings of all kinds. It may seem silly, but it really does make our lives awkward.

"Dad, I didn't want to wake you, but I got up to go to the bathroom last night and got two drinks of water."

I know, how could a child ever be in trouble for something like that? I had always told him it was perfectly okay to get up for such things, but in early bed training days he must have attributed it to being taught not to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Of course, in those days, it meant getting up to empty the refrigerator onto the kitchen floor or climb on top of something. It meant letting the pet rats out and we feared for his safety. He was just too capable a child for his own good. But all that has changed, he's grown into quite a big boy.

For that matter, he was pleasantly surprised by my response: "That was a very big boy thing for you to do." I explained that I would far rather he get up and use the bathroom than have an accident in bed. I also said that it was okay to get a drink of water when he did that. The other difference he may have confused was that, at bedtime itself, he has already gone to the bathroom and had his drink, so another isn't needed. So it's also explained that waking up in the night and having to go is okay.

Finally there's the big boy points for putting himself back to bed when he's afraid of the dark. Big kudos and another look at our perspectives.