Saturday, May 16, 2015

How did I get here?

At times I find myself reflecting on what I survived and how I got here. Memories don't like to stay away, but then sometimes it's important to remember. It's important to remember that I survived this long for a reason. Bigger and badder events have tried to take me down. They failed. Why should current events be any different?

Not that anything really bad is happening right now. I've had a few difficulties in recent days and struggling with MS has been nothing less than frustrating.

Yesterday I wanted to bag up some of the leaves that have been in my yard for months. I managed to pull off a bag and a half before nearly reaching collapse stage. I was furious; mostly at myself. How weak it seems that I can't bag some stupid leaves. Yes, they were wet and rotting, therefore heavier. Yes, it was 84 degrees outside and MS hates heat. But still, I wanted the work done. I still want the work done. Oh, I did also use the push mower to do the front yard (by push I mean no engine) which is a staircase of tree roots. I probably should have stopped there.

I remembered that I used to be a soldier. I used to do 50 pushups at a time. I can do 20 now, but it wipes me out for hours. I went to basic training in South Carolina where we marched in 90+ degree heat. Now I can hardly tolerate just standing in 90 degree heat.

But I'm still breathing and functioning. I'm still doing a lot of things that defy the odds. I've lived my life doing this. I've been put down and kicked while down and still got back up. So maybe I need a check list that reminds me?

Abusive alcoholic/drug addict stepmother: Survived.
Severe and violent bullying through school years: Survived
Run away from home and become a street urchin child: Survived
30 years of chaos and loss because I didn't know I had Asperger's: Survived

All that and managed to stay away from drugs, alcohol and crime. So I have a lot to be thankful and for and a lot that didn't take me down in the first place.

I know I can only hold back MS so much. I know I can only keep doing my artwork for so long. I just need to remember how I got here and what's important today. Bit by bit and piece by piece is how I have to do things. That's just the reality of it.

So maybe sometimes, the musings over the past can reflect on the present. It all depends on how I utilize those memories. Or something like that.

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